7 thoughts on “Expectations”

1. Oh, my friend. So much said in so few words. I think this style of discussion is the side of your blogging universe I enjoy reading best. The one who combines the emotional, logical and intellectual in an attempt to make sense of life/situations/change.

   Here are my thoughts as they popped forth while reading your post. Yes, of course it’s possible for someone once thought to be a soul mate to find themselves relegated to casual friend/acquaintance. More often than not, hindsight being what it is, you can even see where choices caused the paths to split. More often than not, the divergence came in how the people involved chose to communicate (or not) with each other. Often it’s a conscious choice. In my life, looking back on a time or two when this occurred it was usually fear (in the inability to accept one’s self wholly or of taking the next step or even what others will think) was the root cause.

   There was a guy I dated for years prior to my husband. He was my best friend. We were so sure we’d get married that we had our childrens’ names picked out, knew the cars we’d drive, the careers we’d have…but in the end, the combination of distance (we lived several hours apart) and his discomfort with my utter comfort in my own sexuality (he loved being with the girl that his friends wanted, but couldn’t handle the reality in a day to day setting without feeling jealous…unfounded, though it was). In the end, the break up was abrupt and somewhat hurtful. But it was a clean break. He recently friended me on FB and I talked to hubby before accepting it. Now we’re definitely just acquaintances. Reminds me of song lyrics, actually.

   “Like a friend, Like a fool,
   Like some guy you knew in school.
   Didn’t we love? Didn’t we share?
   Or don’t you even care.
   I know you said we were through,
   But I never knew
   How quickly I would go from someone you loved
   To someone you used to know.”

   As for the spousal thing… Okay, so my relationship isn’t 100% traditional in that hubby and I can talk about anything. Heck, we have a celebrity clause in our relationship and I could probably name off the top 5 celebs on his “to do” list. Still. Everyone fantasizes. It doesn’t mean you have to make it a reality. So why hide it? What’s the big deal? Can either person say they’ve never even looked? If you want to grow together as a couple or soul mates (which, incidentally, I don’t believe has to be a sexual thing) honest, fearless communication has to be there. When you start censoring yourself or holding back, the road begins to diverge.

   P.S. I may not have been an athlete, but I’ve always believed in pushing and challenging myself to be better than my last effort, too.

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   • Thank you Kitt for your kind words and support for attempts to breakdown and understand “life, situations, and change.” I honestly love it despite its sometimes frustrating process!

     Regarding your previous ‘Soul Mate’ guy and its end and now its current status, I find it sad, including my own ‘dead’ or semi-dead past relationships. I now struggle with those conditions because I see now they could have been avoided had better efforts been applied, AND better expectations met for all concerned.

     Which makes me curious as to what you think/feel Kitt about Expectations on others, particularly Significant Others. Whether we get or not what we seek from others, is it reasonable to EXPECT the type of open, authentic, proactive communication…and as you pointed out, expecting that level communication whether there were sexual experiences or not? Is the real issue sexual experiences!?

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     • I think it’s reasonable. Often, the thing that hampers honesty is fear of not being accepted. To that end, I say…if they can’t love and accept you as you are (and vice versa), then the relationship was probably never strong enough or real enough to withstand the challenges life tends to throw…and the relationship was a bit of a mirage, anyway.

       I have a female best friend with whom I’ve been best friends/soul mates for 25 years. There has never been anything sexual about our relationship. There isn’t much we don’t know about each other. We can say anything to each other. In fact, she’s the one I mentioned that was bold enough to call me out regarding communication in your last post.

       As for sex and its role in all this? I think it’s usually more a symptom, shield or buffer than it is the root cause. Usually it traces back to fear. Fear of judgement (what will others think?), fear of the intensity of their own desires or feelings, fear that they might not be “normal”, fear of rejection, fear that it’s “too good to last”. I’m sure you could add a few more fears that people hide behind or find ways to make excuses rather than face head on.

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       • I think you are spot on Kitt. “Fear stifles, courage fulfills.” And fears, as you adequately listed, hamper SO MUCH authenticity and becoming more whole, because failures, hurt, despair are just as EQUALLY important (needed?) as successes, joy, love, and hope! And to top all that, both sides of that spectrum are extremely fluid anyway; both compliment each other VERY well…so embrace both. 🙂

         After all this, after your comments on both posts, I say to myself more now — and say aloud to anyone with ears — “fear or no fear, it is almost always bigger than yourself.” And I think I’d wager that it is actually ALWAYS bigger than yourself.

         Which makes me ask the next question: What is really to fear if we are all not alone? The answer is certainly NOT silence!

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         • Absolutely right! 🙂

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