Setting Love Totally Free

This time I am changing tact from popular topics, debates, and polarizing controversy of COVID-19 and our disuniting federal-state politics and lack of leadership during these unprecedented times in the U.S. to talk about something much more personal. In my opinion, it is critically important because it has to do with advanced(?) or semi-advanced, progressive society’s most integral part of long-term strength and stability. What is it?

I am talking about true liberating, non-judgmental, euphoric, Soul Mate/Twin Flame love. The intense, rare kind of deep passionate love that few people experience in their lifetime and even fewer recognize or have the courage to seek, find, and gleefully embrace. I am also posting this over on my Private blog The Professor’s Lifestyles Memoirs. I think this is worth posting on both sites.

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I have two good long-time friends in the Alt-Open-Swinger Lifestyles, Jackie and John Melfi. They own and run all the Colette Lifestyles clubs in Dallas, New Orleans, Houston, and their newest in Austin, TX. They are fantastic role-models for the Open Lifestyle and both Jackie and John are a wealth of wisdom, experience, and tips/help for anyone or any couples interested in taking their marriage/romance to a much, much deeper fulfilling level together.


Jackie reposted recently a blog-post she wrote in February 2016 called Setting Love Free in an Open Relationship. In her post she offers invaluable perspective and understanding that applies not only to Open-couples, but everyone else equally important in whatever the love-arrangement together. She begins:

One of the most frequent questions I get about being in an open/swinger relationship has to do with love.

“If you play apart aren’t you afraid your partner might fall in love with someone else?”

“What if someone else falls in love with your partner?”

Well, I have the perfect story to relate my response.

That is probably most every spouse’s or partner’s biggest FEAR if they allow or don’t stop the (perceived) predatory behavior on their Significant-Other by those interested. However, those perceived fears are often unjustified. Jackie continues:

Recently John had to travel out of town on business. He was traveling back to a city where he used to live, so he had several friends in the area. We discussed before he even left town about any opportunities he would have to meet up with any of his old girl friends.

There were a couple of women he said he would be interested in seeing while he was in town. I had met both of these women in the past, so I was familiar with who they were. I like both of these women. They seem to be very sweet and kind women. I encouraged John to yes, by all means, make contact with them, even if it is just for dinner.

Why didn’t this bother me?

Because I trust John.

Alright, but HOW exactly is that trust built, earned, thoroughly known and appreciated once gained between two Lovers? Is it all done only by your partner/spouse? Do you expect them to do all of the work? Or are you yourself equally a part of that trust-achievement?

Everything about his behavior towards me shows his trustworthiness. He calls when he says he will. He discusses with me beforehand about possibilities he may have or want to have with others, and his actions show his love and devotion to me and our relationship. I saw no reason to believe this situation would be any different.

So John left for his trip. It wasn’t long before I received a text from him saying he would be joining a female friend of his later in the evening. She had always been a dear friend of John’s and needed some advice.

What I love about this story is my husband gets to put his strengths (his ability to give sound advice) to others without me being afraid. How much the world would miss if I tried to keep him all to myself.

Jackie says Everything about his behavior towards me shows his trustworthiness. He calls when he says he will. He keeps his word, he is reliable and just doesn’t feed her with regular empty lip-service. In other words, John walks his talk. What he says matches what he does, time in and time out for 5, 10, 20, 50-years. This is a very rare honorable trait in John! Believe me.

I have known many married couples, where both the husband and the wife sometimes or often confide in me. It seems to be the cost of meaningful friendship. Other times the wife seeks me out, alone, wanting to keep a secret platonic(?) friendship. Then sooner or later she will even go so far as to initiate a full-blown affair with me if she trusts that I will not wreck her marriage, wreck her home with kids, and her public image. The trade-off? I must be invisible to the world and her world. Whether it’s a good thing or bad, I cannot tell you, my readers, how many times over the last 15-20 years I have been duped into this very awkward predicament. I’ve lost count. I kid you not.

Just this last week I had a couple I have known for years, first the wife as a long-distant close friend, then her husband too, who I pushed and pushed her to please involve her husband in everything we discussed and everything she wanted to do with me in person —wide open, all the time. Nothing hidden from him. But she refused.

Just last week they “celebrated” their 20-year marriage anniversary and she publicly stated (I’m paraphrasing only a tiny bit):

Sooo much has happened these twenty-years… so many memorable, remarkable, special-times and experiences, and just as many difficult bumps in our road together. Marriage ain’t for the faint-hearted!! LOL I love this man, and he is my best friend. He’s an incredible Dad, protector, repairman, and bozo.

This same woman has carried on a 3-year affair with another man her husband never knew about, still doesn’t know about, and has carried on two separate long-distant phone-sex affairs for several years with two old ex-boyfriends (one of them married with children) and her husband doesn’t know about them either. He also doesn’t know about a one-day stand this past March in a hotel room with a fourth man.

Is it right to hide anything from your spouse? Is it right or healthy to keep secrets from your 20-year spouse several sexual-romantic affairs from him or her under false pretenses? More importantly, is that REALLY a testimony of “true love” to your own children, much less the world? Of course not!

When I read her above public statement to family, friends, and the world… I honestly could not stop laughing in disappointment, deep disappointment. Reading her husband’s beautiful tribute to her and pride in their “marriage” caused me to then get nauseated with pity for him/them, because he has no real clue whatsoever who his wife of 20-22 years is truly. It broke my heart to read their public proclamations, especially for their children who believe (falsely) their parents are perfectly and happily married even after many difficult bumps in our road together. Sadly, this woman, a former friend, doesn’t really know what brutal honesty is, the kind Paolo Coelho bluntly describes:

Paolo Coelho quote

Or make them believe in false-realities. I finally had to break-off, breakaway from her and our risky, precarious, dishonest friendship. It hurts what she became because there was so much hope for her as well as her husband to get hardcore real with each other. But in the end she was a scared, confused woman struggling with being true to herself. Consequently, she was becoming a prude, more and more untrustworthy drowning in her fear, denial, and endless excuses no matter what I tried to warn her about. It was just no longer worth it, especially when over the last 6-10 months she would fire nasty, self-absorbed exceptions/barbs and retaliations at me over ridiculous, trivial, insignificant, knit-picky things about me… like Jackie Melfi is describing here in her exceptional Feb. 2016 blog-post. Let me continue with her wisdom:

What I love about this story is my husband gets to put his strengths (his ability to give sound advice) to others without me being afraid. How much the world would miss if I tried to keep him all to myself.

As I laid in my bed at home reading, John was hundreds of miles away with a woman in his hotel room. He called me several hours later to tell me the evening went well. They spent those hours talking. In that moment I loved my husband with just a little more gusto.

I was so proud of him, not because he hadn’t had sex with her, but because he is so loving. Loving enough to share with others what he has learned in life. I allowed myself to be filled with gratitude for this amazing man. A man, who not only loves me, but strives to be loving to everyone. I love him even more because of this.

Jackie is so incredibly lucky to have John, and equally as well, John is so very lucky to have Jackie. What a rare, almost unheard of healthy, thriving marriage and complete trust they share together! They are one of my top heroes of couples I know and deeply respect.

But the story doesn’t end here. The very next evening, John had another opportunity to visit with a female friend. This visit was different. It was the same in the sense that I knew it was going to take place. John told me she had asked him to dinner and that he wasn’t sure how the evening would end. It was different in what happened.

John arrives at her home. She has prepared a scrumptious home cooked meal for them to share. To make a long story short, they ended up having sex. While they were having sex, she told John she still loved and cared about him.

Okay, so this is the dreaded scenario most people fear and will attempt to control from happening with their partner. Like I said earlier, it’s that fear of, “but what if your partner or the person they are playing with, fall in love?”

What if they do?

A symbolic menagerie of deep, exhaustive, liberating love:

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This is where the true, brutally honest definition of Compersion is demonstrated in our Open Lifestyle! Personally, I liken compersion to feeling the same level of joy I’d experience with my own two kids when they experienced unbelievable euphoria in another or in an event they are immersed inside. Jackie’s response and attitude to her husband afterwards is quite stoic and admirable, if I may say so myself. Bravo Jackie, bravo! I wish more husbands and wives strove HARD to get out of themselves and develop/nurture this same positive, appreciative, truly exhaustive love that Jackie and John share and model. Her conclusion is remarkably mature. Read it closely.

This is what I thought about this woman loving my husband. First, I was touched and honored because she see’s the same great qualities in John that I do. It made me like her even more. I mean of course she would love him, what’s not to love?!

Besides, just because she loves him, doesn’t mean John’s and my love for each other diminishes in any way. This woman simply adds another layer to our life. What’s not to love about that?

Can you imagine the stress and anger and fear and jealousy the evening could have had, especially using the traditional viewpoint?

First of all, John wouldn’t have even been “allowed” to go over to her home to begin with. My adult husband would not have been “allowed.” Even typing this makes me shake my head. John definitely wouldn’t have been able to share how wonderful the meal was, because I might be threatened by her ability to cook and I would probably lose John over her culinary skills! Instead of being threatened I instead have 3 new amazing recipes to try!

John returned home from his trip in great spirits and was eager and excited to see me. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how grateful he is to have such an amazing relationship.

My point is, we don’t have control over who we end up having feelings for, regardless of whether or not we think we can control it. I am so glad that John and I don’t try to control it. We embrace the love we have for those we come in contact with and relish in the goodness of this love.

John and I became a couple so we could add to each others life, not take things away.

As Jackie writes about facing your misplaced fears, embracing our own vulnerabilities and your partner’s/spouse’s, and as I know and have known so very many fairy-tale, falsely-based marriages full of secret locked closets and rugs bulging up with many unwanted 500 lbs. gorillas and pink elephants (silence), this raw hardcore honest, vulnerable love DOES EXIST. There are many paths and justifications to never-ending marital doubts, suspicions, and minefields of unhappy marriage/prison… and then there is one or two truly liberating, fulfilling, sometimes arduous sometimes fiercely real, correct paths to finding and living inside love that is completely set free and encouraged to stay completely free as Jackie speaks about. Believe me, I know. I’ve watched and experienced both. There is no comparison.

Fear stifles, courage fulfills. “The prude is in fact the libertine, without the courage to face their naked soul.” — A.S. Neill.


Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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23 thoughts on “Setting Love Totally Free

  1. The woman who hid her affairs from her husband is problematical, certainly. Deception about something which would be highly important to the deceived party means that the relationship is, to that extent, a sham. On the other hand, look how common such situations are. I think humans aren’t really temperamentally suited to decades of monogamy. Perhaps it’s the cultural standards making this the only acceptable norm that are the real sham.

    Different behavior and standards come naturally to different people. As long as everything is consensual and nobody is being deceived in a major way, I see nothing wrong with it. It surprises me a little that people can make open relationships work emotionally — there are strong evolutionary roots to jealousy — but those who can are to be admired for achieving a way of life that suits their nature while remaining honest.

    Many years ago I had a relationship with a married woman. She told me that when her husband figured out what was going on between me and her, the first question he asked her was “can I watch?” Since he didn’t have a problem with it and they had no children who could have been harmed by potential fall-out, I felt no moral qualms about it at all, and still don’t. On the other hand, I’ve known two married couples whose lives were wrecked by extramarital affairs.

    The sexual revolution ended the system under which everyone had to fit their lives into a single Procrustean one-size-fits-all pattern (inevitably generating a vast penumbra of hypocrisy), allowing individuals to live according to their own standards as best they could. When two people are involved, it’s difficult to achieve a good fit, and even more difficult to keep it that way for the long haul. If you can just stay honest and avoid hurting anybody, you’re doing better than most.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed with everything you’ve stated Infidel. Your past married couples are merely people at certain points of their life’s journey. Some are further along, others are stuck in first-gear barely moving. Others still wander off the path/trail for a period, then maybe return or pickup on another totally different journey. 😄

      Raw honesty Infidel, the kind Paolo Coelho describes scares the SH*T out of most people. Hence, they struggle too with authenticity—authenticity with others, a spouse, and with themselves. But it all CAN be conquered! I’m a living testimony. 😉


  2. Before I fell deeply, truly, madly in love I thought that such unbridled passion was a case of fictional accounts becoming an ideal to be sought for but which didn’t really exist. Boy, was I wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes you were wrong Steve, and thankfully so! 🙂

      ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. — Alfred Lord Tennyson

      It is TEN TIMES better if you’ve loved greatly, lost AND gained, many times too! 😍


  3. Very nicely put together, Professor. The vision you present is a recipe for goodness and health, no question about it, but I think it’ll only become a reality when we start (if we start) establishing extra-solar colonies where new socioeconomic systems can be started afresh, on a blank slate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not to drag things off-topic, but I don’t see why starting colonies would help. When Europeans colonized the Americas, they didn’t start of with a blank slate — they brought over their existing socioeconomic systems, beliefs, prejudices, etc. from Europe. People going to colonies on another planet would do the same.

      (Of course the psychological effects of living in what would basically be a giant tin can surrounded by frozen, utterly-lifeless desert without even breathable air might well have various effects on human behavior over the long term, none of them healthy.)

      Still, there really have been massive shifts in human sexual attitudes and behavior at various times, the sexual revolution being an obvious recent example. Changes in technology (modern contraception, for example), and in what mass popular entertainment presents as normative, seem to play a major role in such shifts. A case particularly worthy of study is the gay liberation movement. The changes in popular attitudes about homosexuality achieved over just a few decades have been stunning. Any other group seeking further such changes would do well to learn from their success.

      Liked by 1 person

      • As you probably realise, City have to win this evening against Chelsea to extend it.
        So, yes, and no.
        In the spirit of your post …, without all the noise (from the crowd) at the moment of truth, it might end up being a bit of an anti-climax.
        ”So, is that it, then? Are we done? Okay, I’m off for a shower.”

        Liked by 1 person

        • Good point. The lack of real crowds, especially for the home squad, has indeed been anti-climatic and a struggle sometimes for the players. I must admit, the games are not as exciting or highly energetic… what the boys thrive off of, the singing, the roars, and fans going wild running down near the field to their goal-scorer. I do miss all of that. :/

          Liked by 1 person

            • Bwahaha! 🤣 Antonio Banderas: “I want sum chicken an’ a won a horse.” Is that what they say in Liverpool Ark? Lol

              I love The Graham Norton Show. He is a fantastic host.


            • 😆 Ahhh, of COURSE you do. How could I forget when you remind me of your posherness and sublime speakerness! 😉

              I on the other hand speak proper or improper (not sure) Texicanese. 😁 Familiar with it?


            • Hey! Btw, don’t forget about an exceptional American footballer named Christian Pulisic! With him, Giovanni Reyna, Zack Steffen, Timothy Weah, Weston McKennie(? off & on), Tyler Adams, Sergino Dest, Tyler Boyd, and perhaps Indiana Vassilev too, along with several others playing in top tier leagues/clubs in Europe, Ark… our national team has a VERY bright future ahead, in the next 2-8 years. 😁 I am very excited about it! Several seasons in Europe’s best/good leagues, right now, is the only way the U.S. can consistently compete with you juggernauts over there. 😉

              Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Monogamy.
    I think we’re spoon-fed the idea that we have got to stay faithful to that one person for eternity or we are not having a ‘real’ relationship. But not everybody is the same. I think your anecdote is very telling and I agree, if there’s no trust, there’s no happiness. But not everybody is ready for the truth.
    Great post.


    Liked by 1 person

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