At the Body Shop

PROLOGUE

Before I jump into the actual blog-story, I wanted to quickly say that I will soon return to my ongoing series on A New U.S. Constitution. Do not worry. Those of you awaiting Part 3 won’t be overly discouraged or disappointed that I might have forgotten. Because I knew you were. πŸ˜‰ I’ve been wanting to post this quick musing for many months now and thought NOW would be just as good a time as any. Therefore, let’s jump right in… or as they say in football/soccer, β€œGet stuck in!”

∼ ∼ ∼ § ∼ ∼ ∼

The other day I was having a half-serious, half-joking discussion with a friend. She had asked how life was going for me. I replied to her with a question, as I often do, so as not to waste anyone’s time. I asked, β€œDo you want the prim-n-proper, standard, social answer, or do you want the brute truth?” She asked for the unadulterated truth. I appreciated that greatly, as I always do with people like her, that she wanted nothing diluted, nothing sugar-coated. And as she desired, here was my answer.

I told her that I was sick-n-tired of having to shave, trim, cleanup, and remove body-hair and whiskers at least every 6-8 days from anatomical places I’m convinced were NEVER meant to have primate-hairs growing out of them! At least, not on my metro-sexual body! No, no, and NO! It is all so damn annoying! I think hall of fame comedian Billy Crystal talked frequently about body hair in places it was not meant to be, ever! I told my laughing friend, I want to overhaul my ears, just replace them with new ones or relocate all the damn jungle-hair growing profusely out of my ears and side of my skull, and move it all to the top of my head and shrinking hairline on my forehead! I mean, I’m dead SERIOUS now!

Then I took a slightly different tack. I explained to her that I want to just go down to the local auto β€œbody parts” store and purchase everything I desperately need replacing on me! β€œUm, yes. Do you have any hairless ears in stock?” She pointed in that direction to show me. β€œOh really!? What about full hairline replacements? You’re probably all sold out on those, right?” As we walked, she informed me that they might have exactly what I’m looking for. I began to get really excited about this NEW Body Parts store! But then the most riddling thing happened.

We walked through the Men’s Intelligence & Brain aisle.

Now, I want to preface this next bit. Please remember that I live in a highly charged, super Red (Republican), Conservative, ultra-religiously bigoted part of the nation: Texas. That right there should give you adequate context to the remainder of my story. ☺️

As we moved further into the store, the shelves we came upon were crammed full of all sorts of gifted brains, from floor to near the ceiling! It was incredible. Every where you gazed you saw discounted, clearance sale prices on overstocked men’s brains. Hundreds and hundreds of highly intelligent brains everywhere! There were even Albert Einstein, Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain, and many other famous replica brains marked down super cheap! The store-clerk told me that they’ve been TRYING to move these men’s brains for 5-10 years, but we just can’t sell them, not even one. Astounded, I couldn’t imagine why these men’s brains were not flying off the shelves!

Then we entered the next section of the store.

On either side of the aisle were empty shelves. Dust, then more dust on these shelves. It was as if there had been a crazed rush of Black Friday shoppers had cleared out all stock of whatever was in this section. I asked the kind, helpful store clerk… β€œWhy are these shelves utterly empty?” She replied matter-of-factly…

β€œOh, this is the men’s giant penis, or jumbo-dick section. We can NEVER keep this section stocked for barely even half a day.”

I said to myself, Pffft. Yep, that’s about right in Texas and the Deep South.

Live Well – Love Much – Laugh Often – Learn Always

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23 thoughts on “At the Body Shop

  1. 🀣🀣 Most fun post I’ve read today!!! Thank you, Prof, for the laughs!! Now on to the more serious stuff … how’s your mom doing? And how are YOU? Haven’t seen you around much, and I’ve missed you. Take care, my friend, and give your mom a gentle hug from me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mom? Wednesday, as we were watching the WC game between France vs Morocco, in a span of just 10-15 mins she asked me no less than 5-times who I was rooting for as if to ask me for the first time. 😞 This past week hasn’t been good for her.

      The other early morning (7am-ish?) when going into the kitchen to start the coffee-maker, I discovered one of her pink Lisinopril tablets on the floor near the tablet we/she marks down daily when taking her four different meds; some in the AM, others in PM. Sometimes she gets irritated at me for “watching over her shoulder like a hawk,” as she describes it, when she must take her evening meds. Well, this night before she took her meds at the same time with me, with my hypertension, high blood-pressure meds. Otherwise, if I don’t persuade her to do this with me about 6pm, she’ll put it off and put it off until I am dead tired at night around 9 or 9:30pm… and I can’t trust her to remember to take her evening meds if I go on to bed at this time. She’s forgotten to do this numerous times when she lived with her previous domestic partner—who NEVER helped her. This one time I did NOT stand over her shoulder. Ugh.

      Anyway, the best I could figure and surmise why the pill was on the floor is that sometimes (often?) in her clumsiness with 3-5 different pills in her hand, she’ll literally throw them into her mouth… as if throwing salt over her shoulder. Obviously, she missed her own mouth with this tiny Lisinopril and threw it on the floor unaware she had. πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ

      Jill, this is just one evening of one bizarre accident that I manage (or not) every single day/night in babysitting and Caretaking of a parent with progressing Dementia into Alzheimer’s. πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

      Thank you for asking Ma’am and the kind sentiments. ❣️

      Liked by 3 people

      • Awwww … my heart goes out to both you and your mom. For years, I have dreaded the idea of losing my cognitive abilities and often thought I would end my own life before I would let that happen. Nobody wants to need someone to see to their every need, to lose their autonomy. So I feel so much compassion for her, but also for you, for it isn’t easy seeing someone you love so dearly unable to care for themselves, unable to remember something from 5 minutes earlier. And, it sounds like you are wearing yourself out, too. Have you considered trying to get some support from local agencies, maybe someone to come in for a few hours a day and help out? Know that I’m thinking of you, my friend, and of your mom as well. Hugs to you both.

        Liked by 3 people

  2. I would refit for a pair of new knees, (mine seem to be a bit creaky these days) and maybe a lower back (hurts a bit more than I like, thank you very much).
    Probably all the bending while I was hairdressing and now the gardening.
    I can live with the other stuff, and it all still works, thank the gods!
    *Sigh* Frakking getting old ain’t always fun.

    Can sympathise with you regarding your mum.
    Kudos for being a doting/caring kid.
    My dad is shuffling down that road at an ever increasing speed.
    In our WhatsApp chats he usually asks the same question a couple of times and every call he will often repeat questions he asked the previous call: Hoe big is your garden, Doug, how many fish in the pond, what veggies are you growing, what are your kids doing these days?

    For me, being on the other side of the globe it’s not that much of an issue.
    But I can tell it is a big strain for my mother.

    So we are down to Two.
    I will be rooting for Messi and co this evening… Presuming we have power and Eskom don’t indulge in some spiteful ‘load shedding’ when the final is on.
    I must check the schedule…
    (Today we are are at Stage 6)
    Four hours on four hours off.
    It’s becoming a farking nightmare.
    At least it is summer so we are not freezing our nadgers off.
    We’ll be looking to buy gas ovens and ranges over the next month otherwise there’s a real possibility we won’t be baking let alone cooking Christmas Dinner!
    Unless we want to eat it between 2am & 6am!

    Stay well my friend…. and sane!
    😎

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Dwain. How lovely to see you back here now that the football is over. Reading from your comments, I’m glad you were pleased you got the result you wanted. I’ve missed you.

    As for this post, it’s hilarious even if there is some seriousness in it as well. When I read the title, the Body Shop, I thought you were writing a piece about our Body Shop which is a natural and ethical beauty products store. So, I was in for a surprise when you started discussing hair on or in body parts. I can think of a few things I’d like to swap – my legs, perhaps, but then, perhaps, not, as my disability is part of who I am and without it, I might be a whole different character. Not a bad option, but I’d rather be the old familiar me.

    I also read in the comments about your mum – I was going to ask about her, too. It must be very exhausting and stressful caring for your mum 24/7. I’m glad she hasn’t deteriorated much since we last spoke. It must be heartbreaking for you at times to see your mum having changed so much over the recent years. She is very lucky to have you as a son. I hope you are well in yourself and have got something to look forward to at Christmas. I’m alone as usual on the ‘big’ day, but am seeing my family on Boxing Day, so that’ll be nice. Sending you and your mum many hugs and wishing you a good holiday season. X πŸ’“πŸŽ„πŸ€—πŸŒΌπŸ€—πŸŽ„πŸ’“

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mmm, πŸ₯° what a wonderful sentiment to find here! I have missed you and all my NON-footballing WordPress friends. Apologies I’ve been pretty absent during the World Cup. But futebol/football is literally in my blood and DNA since I was 9-yrs old. I’ve loved the game since then, but as I learned just how much the ENTIRE WORLD loved the Beautiful Game—having traveled the planet and played the game on 4 of the 6 inhabitable continents that eat, breath, and live it!—it was literally a universal common language of the planet, I can never resist the quadrennial spectacle. I become an “Earthling” thru the game, and oblivious to my own tiny community, in ONE state, in ONE nation, on ONE continent, on ONE tiny blue-speck of a planet, in ONE solar system, in ONE average galaxy within billions upon BILLIONS of other galaxies. I am at least, plain and simply… a human being, an Earthling. Nothing more, nothing less. Period. Super connected! 😁 Just like you and just like 8-billion other Earthlings. It doesn’t get anymore like FAMILY than that during the World Cup!!! Does that make sense Ellie? πŸ˜„

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi, Dwain. Well, today didn’t quite go according to plan. I’d intended to reply to you much earlier than this, but with the turn of affairs here, it didn’t happen. One of my neighbours, Graham, died two weeks ago. It was so sad as he was a lovely man, and he and his wife had four boys, who used to come and play with my two children, so we were all quite close. He was only my age. I hadn’t planned to go to the funeral as I couldn’t get there in Alfie, although I would have liked to. My next-door neighbour called me this morning and said she was going and would I like a lift to the crematorium with my manual wheelchair. It was all relatively short notice, so I changed and put on my ‘funeral clothes’ – black trousers, black jumper and matching jacket etc. The funeral was at 2 pm, so we set off at 1.30 pm. I found the service very tough as it’s only a few days from when I lost my Mum six years ago on the 30th of December. It’s the first funeral I’ve been to since losing my Mum. It all went okay, and we were back within a couple of hours. Here I am now anyway, although quite tired from the somewhat emotional day. I’ve digressed.

        I’m glad you enjoyed the football so much. I love how you describe us all being Earthlings together – all being family, especially regarding the ‘beautiful’ game. I’ll risk showing my ignorance here and admit I don’t know the first thing about football or many other sports, either. I’m just not a sporty person. I enjoy some of the Olympics – mainly athletics, gymnastics, swimming and diving etc. I hated sports at school, mostly because I got teased for being a little weed of a thing. I was always the last to be chosen for team sports, usually accompanied by cries of, “do we have to have HER, Miss?” ….. I will reply to your second comment separately …

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ellie, thank you again for your touching comment. I want (and need) to write more for you, but yesterday was terribly busy for my Mom—a visit to her PCP with 3-4 concerns to discuss with him—prescription refills for her, that had a crazy mix-up between the pharmacy & doc’s office, πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈ several various, lengthy phone calls with TV-Internet-Cable service getting Mom/Mum on the federal Affordable Connectivity Program, which required dealing with our/her Social Security Benefits office—something which NEVER goes quickly, of course!—THEN, prepping everything inside & outside for the coming Arctic blast tomorrow with temps down near 10° Fahrenheit, or -12.2 Celcius for you Darling. 😍 And that was over half of my/our entire day! πŸ₯΄ Then somehow I had to squeeze in two healthy prepared meals for us!

      Geezzz, ever since I was a stay-at-home Dad during daylight hours with my 7-y/o daughter and 2-3 month old son back in 1999 — 2002 while working full-time graveyard-shift Security Guard at night (7pm to 7am)… I feel as if I’ve NEVER really stopped being a parent/caretaker since my daughter’s birth in 1994. It now continues with my Mom. Why did I make these procreation choices AND had them done on me by Mom & Dad!? πŸ€ͺ🀭

      Ellie, does it ever end? Will I ever have my own life back? πŸ˜„

      P.S. Going to write you a personal email over the next two days, okay? ❀️

      Like

      • Hi, Dwain. Just wanted to let you know that I’m not ignoring your comments/replies. I’ve been so busy today, had a friend over for a while, and tonight, very unusually for me, I’m out for the evening. I’m doing circle drumming with a group of XR friends. I am looking forward to reading your comments in the morning. P.S. You are more than welcome to send me a personal email. That would be very much appreciated, and is always a pleasure to receive something personal. Hope you are well and we’ll chat some more tomorrow. Hugs πŸ€— Xx πŸ’

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hah! And here, I was thinking you might be thinking I was ignoring your comments & blog! πŸ˜„

          OMG! A drum-circle!? I did those SO MUCH when I was living up in Dallas! Freakin’ LOVE those! Drumming—was a possible occupation of mine after graduating high school—puts me into another dimension, another level of experience, and afterwards I am on Cloud 9! 😁

          Yes, we will chat more via emails! Take care and get a “natural” high from the drum-circle! I know I did.

          Like

          • Hi, again. The drum circle was fantastic!! I enjoyed it so much πŸ˜€. We have a selection of drums and percussion instruments to choose from, and we all have a choice of what we want to play and when. We often swap drums, tambourines, tamborims (different to the tambourines). I have my own tamborim, which I play there, but I often play the agogo or whatever takes my fancy. There were twelve of us yesterday, although the numbers are building week on week. We’ve only been playing for three weeks so far. It’s proving to be very popular. We are fortunate as most of the instruments are provided by the group’s facilitator. I just love it, and I agree, I feel on top of the world afterwards. I even slept better last night, and that made a change for me. I’m glad you had the opportunity to enjoy circle drumming, too, in previous years. I think drumming ‘runs’ in our family. My nephew is a brilliant drummer in a band, my sister plays too, and my eldest granddaughter is at college studying music and is due to take her grade six exams very soon.

            Very much looking forward to receiving your emails, my friend. Chat more soon, although it might well be after Christmas now as I have a friend coming over tomorrow, too, so even less time to write … and, once again, I need to catch up with reading other blogs. If we don’t chat before, I hope you enjoy the holidays. I will be thinking of you and your Mom. Big hugs πŸ€— for you and much love … Ellie Xx πŸ₯°πŸ’•

            Liked by 1 person

      • Hi, Dwain. I’m wondering if you got the Arctic blast you were expecting and if so, did you survive it without too much damage? -12.2C is pretty cold. I thought it was bad here last week when the daytime temperatures dropped to -3C and the nights were -9C, almost unheard of for this part of the UK.

        You certainly had a day of it with all those medical and Social Security issues for your Mom. No wonder you’re exhausted. Our system is much the same. It used to be called Social Security, too, but is now referred to as DWP (Department of Work and Pensions). New name – just as slow and inefficient πŸ₯±. I, too, spent an hour and a half on the phone late this afternoon trying to sort out my prescriptions and medication delivery for tomorrow. Firstly, it was the doctors, then the pharmacy; after having been cut off five times while on hold, I gave up and will try again tomorrow. It’s cutting it fine to get my meds before Christmas.

        You ask if you’ll ever get your life back again. You will do … eventually. Your children are younger than mine, so more responsibility for you. Having said that, I was a divorced single parent from when my children were five and three and had to work. And with your Mom, older parents (especially with a condition like Dementia or Alzheimer’s) need our care more as they age and deteriorate. Somehow, life has a habit of turning things around with very little warning. I know you have much more responsibility for your Mom than I did for my Mum. That was mainly because we lived too far apart to get to each other easily, and neither of us could drive anymore. I couldn’t care for Mum physically for obvious reasons, but as she aged, she needed more emotional support, and there were frequent phone calls to check she was okay.
        To begin with, we’d speak once a day; towards the end, I phoned her more like 3-4 times a day. And then, she had her stroke and ended up in hospital and a stroke rehab unit. She never came home after that, and because the stroke had affected her speech, communication between us became difficult. That was heartbreaking.

        So, yes, in a way, you do get your life back … but then, along come grandchildren, and here we go all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and grandchildren, but the little ones can be pretty exhausting to care for sometimes – not that I’d have it any other way, to be honest. I’m planning to write a poem about my Mum over Christmas. As usual, I’m on my own for Christmas Day (always a tough day for me), as I mentioned, but I have got my son and the children coming to visit on Boxing Day and staying overnight, which will be nice. Then, my daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters are coming on the 27th. I haven’t seen them in months, so that’ll be lovely … (see my last message separately again) … πŸ’“

        Liked by 1 person

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