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Benton courteously poured my second glass of Shiraz-Cab vintage 2012 as his wife Vidal asked me again puzzled, “What do you mean they required a specimen?” A peculiar silence filled the room. Even the perky ears of their toy Cairn-Manchester-mix terrier snapped to attention waiting on my answer.
Professor: Well, it was a matter of life and death, at the very least, image.
Vidal: What did you do?
Professor: I looked right into the tech’s eyes and with polite confidence said, You’re going to need a bigger container. She placed her hand below her neck and with bigger eyes whispered faintly “Oh my!”
It isn’t every day that someone stumbles upon crude unrecognizable tools in the heart of Sasquatch country. The primatologist needed more proof. Can you blame him? How big do you think they are? What would you need?
This leads me to another moral-of-the-story…story.
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A mutual friend of Benton, Vidal, Delilah, and me, who was back in town visiting after moving back home to Kansas (no not Dorothy) is an adventurous curious lady I will call Ahmouray. We had gotten together for wine, snacks, and folly just for her and to hear the latest in her life. As it turns out the “latest” was a gentleman that restored old tractors and she had to immediately show us an iPhone picture of he and she next to his latest John Deere. Embracing each other with huge happy smiles, this tractor’s engine and wheels reached above their shoulders; massive! Ahmouray was obviously bubbly with excitement. You had to agree, Mr. John Deere had a big…
tractor.
Benton: How long have you known him?
Ahmouray: Two months. He is really sweet to me. It feels really right.
[Vidal is sulking trying to keep her lips tight]
Benton: Remember what happened to Mr. Wright #IV? – Referring to the last pathological liar with Alzheimer and a former police officer and priest. Yes, a priest and they met on Match.com. She married him after 6-months of dating and 1-month after moving in together.
Professor: Does he work on you as well as he works on his John Deere’s? I’d hate for you to fall into another disaster.
Vidal: [pops-off] …Or will he be another Dear John?
Ahmouray: I understand what you all are saying, but I am 62-years old. I don’t have an eternity!
Professor: It is okay to be alone sometimes. There is no set deadline for true companionship! Quality takes time unless you are a gifted psychic. Besides, you will have other man-husbands in your next lives too so don’t stress about how “little time you have to live!” Enjoy the freedom you have right now!
Ahmouray: I don’t believe God made me to be alone. I know Professor you and I differ on the meaning of this life, death, and God, but I am most happy as a well-cared for wife.
Delilah: Not any or every man who comes along with shining-armor, a smooth tongue, muscular body, and beautiful hair and tractors will be Mr. Wright #V!
Professor: And many Mr. Wright #IV – IX who are “priests” are on the internet! They call them virtual predators when they’re not in church! [looking toward Benton] Or does it matter where they are?
Ahmouray: I don’t have forever to look!
Professor: Hmm, especially if you have only a garden spade. [grin]
Vidal: [directed at Professor] What is the preferred size?
Benton: Doesn’t it depend on the amount of dirt or how pretty you want your…garden?
Professor: Exactly! Some need only a garden spade, others require front-loaders with dump trucks. I guess it depends on what you’re constructing. How deep the foundation should be depends on how long it will last, how much it will withstand, or what you’re digging up, huh?
Ahmouray: We have so much fun together! We talked over three hours on the phone last night. He is so nice to me. He has a Dachshund! [with a much peppier voice] Do you realize what that means!?
Dachshunds are Ahmouray’s favorite dogs. Her previous Mr. Wright #IV was also (as it turned out) a dog-lover on his internet profile, but in reality never owned a dog in his life. He never liked Ahmouray’s two dogs either.
Professor: Are you going to tell me next the dog’s name is Toto?
Ahmouray: No. Its name is Lady.
Professor: As in Gaga?
Ahmouray: No silly, as in Kenny Rogers!
At that point I believe the rest of us simultaneously downed our wine in two gulps. I asked Benton where the bottle was…he quickly got out of his recliner and said “I’ll get it and open another.” Expressing my “deep” appreciation I also asked our host and hostess, “Do you two prefer a spade or shovel?”
Vidal: If we are at an AA-NA meeting (her daughters are both addicts) spades are usually appropriate because of the group monitor/leader. [Benton agreed then added…]
Benton: But with this group shovels must be handy!
Professor: And at church?
(paragraph break)
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The Professor's Convatorium 
I stopped using match a few weeks ago after one too many awkward dates lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers
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Yes, internet dating sites are one of many methods “creepers” will use to dangle that ‘gold-band’ in front of willing love-victims. But there are many other methods too and those who are too love-hasty are usually the ones damaged, as has been the case with the “Ahmouray” example above.
On the other hand, getting out, being active and involved — like your cliqie example — or as I often put it “get in the game, stay in the game, but let the game go into overtime & the playoffs too!” will be the ONLY way to become wise. Right?
Thank you so much Casey for stopping by! I hope you’ll return some in the future too. 🙂
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Thanks for the insight and kind words! Hope it all works out for you 🙂
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Hahaha! That’s pretty funny! “Fools rush in…” That she met a priest — an acting priest? — on an online dating site is hilarious! I love the way you cast this — speaking of needing a deeper foundation for a relationship by talking about shovel size. It all depends, as you said, on how long you’d like the relationship to last. To me, the pain of multiple lost relationships is too much to not want to at least *try* for a decent foundation!
Excellent work, Professor. I loved this.
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I’m so glad you liked it Jessica! That means a lot to me considering how good a writer you are; thank you!
He was a retired priest and police officer, which “Ahmouray” felt, and more so thought those two things gave enough credence to legally marry him. It is hilarious but also a profound truth that no matter what one’s “status” might be, we all still sit on the toilet the same way, for the same reasons. And just because your shovel is bigger than their shovel, doesn’t necessarily mean your foundation is any more “stable” than their foundation. They might use their large shovel for “other” reasons. 😉
The “pains” of lost relationships should all be viewed in grateful hindsight as needed lessons; the more you’re *educated* the more wise you become. Then, carrying it a step further — something I love to do — wouldn’t you want, therefore, to ALWAYS be a student? Think of all the vast lessons life could teach? How exciting is that? Personally, I’ve learned I can survive any hard life lessons, so why live in constant fear?
By the way, did you catch the phonic pronunciation of her name?
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Good grief. Yes, I’m cracking up at these interchanges. The mind boggles at how common sense can be thrown out the window so quickly in the face of infatuation. I’d say love, but that actually takes a lot of time, work and patience…LOL! The beauty is that friends will always be there to listen and then point out the flaws in your logic. Of course, that doesn’t guarantee that logic will mean a damned thing, but friends are good for being there after the fact, too.
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Agreed Kitt. Friends — those who simply model survival, not judgement — are friends for life, aren’t they? We’ll always be “Ahmouray’s” friends, no matter how many husbands she ends up having. But then, we may have to change her name to Elizabeth Taylor if she never recognizes the pattern/trend. 😉
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