A State of MinE

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Professor Taboo

Steve Dunwell – Getty images

In Texas we are known to do things big. We tend to favor and flavor life robustly and then give our opinions about it, solicited or not, whether one likes it or not. It is a state of mind and a State of mine. And yes, whether I like its earned reputation and personality or not, doesn’t matter to Texans too much either. That’s also the meaning behind the Lone Star.

As such, I pay my humble tribute to my great, robust, opinionated Lone Star State because I can. I am an eighth-generation Texan — which means we were here well before the state was stolen away from Mexico — and have much to share about it. I will list a few definitions, and explanations of how we speak and what it means, or could mean. I feel this is an accurate self-portrayal, albeit parody, of my beloved rural Texas minus the guns, the horns, the beseeching “Lord in Heaven” for sure, and the Good ol’ boy yee-hawing.

The Meanings of Inept, Useless
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Common: having or showing no skill; clumsy.

In Texas: 1 – He/She could screw up a two-car funeral. 2 – He is such a numbskull, he bought a suit with two pairs of pants, then burned a hole in the jacket. 3 – If she’d been cooking for the North, the South would have won the war!

The Meanings of Slow

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Common: moving or operating at a slow speed; not quick or fast.

In Texas: 1 – He’s so slow he could gain weight walking. 2 – He was behind the door when brains were passed out to the room. 3 – If it gets any greener (stopped at a traffic light) it’s goin’ to grow!

The Meanings of Dead, Deceased

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Common: no longer alive; not moving.

In Texas: 1 – He/She gave up their fiddle for a harp. 2 – The devil’s comin’ round with the bill. 3 – He/She swallowed the wrong pill. 4 – His/Her moving picture went dark.

The Meanings of Poor

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Common: lacking sufficient money to live at a standard considered comfortable or normal in a society; of a low or inferior standard or quality.

In Texas: 1 – Broker than the Ten Commandments. 2 – He lives on the other side of across the tracks. 3 – We’re so poor we can’t go window shopping or ‘draw’ breath in the bank.

The Meanings of Unacceptable

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Common: not satisfactory or allowable; intolerable.

In Texas: 1 – Like hugging a rose bush. 2 – I’d rather play leap frog with a unicorn. 3 – I’d rather pick cockleburs out of a skunk’s ass. 4 – I’d rather use sandpaper than toiletpaper. 5 – He got caught in his own loop South.

The Meanings of Fast, Brilliant

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Common: moving or capable of moving at high speed; exceptionally clever, quick-witted, or talented.

In Texas: 1 – He/She gets there in one-half less than no time! 2 – Movin’ like he was goin’ for the luncheon after Sunday service. 3 – She’s a walking encyclopedia inside a labotomy lab.

The Meanings of Advice, Tips

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Common: guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative.

In Texas: 1 – Never call a man a liar just because he knows more than you do. 2 – Never sign anything by neon! 3 – There’s never a good time to have your gun jam. 4 – Just give me the bacon without the sizzle. 5 – Don’t jump off your horse and saddle to kill the rattle snake without your rifle outta the sleeve on the saddle.

The Meanings of Immoral, Wild

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Common: not conforming to accepted standards of morality.

In Texas: 1 – They’ll wrap around you like a sweet-potato vine. 2 – He was born on the wrong side of the blankets. 3 – They’re hitched but not churched. 4 – His lips ain’t no prayerbook. 5 – They ate supper before they said grace.

The Meanings of Yonder

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Common: at some distance in the direction indicated; over there.

In Texas: 1 – If ya leave by daybreak, you and your horse will arrive as the biscuits rise or the dinner-bell sounds. 2 – He’s bored and yonderin’ (as in daydreaming; drifting away and yawning).

The Meanings of Celebration

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Common: the action of marking one’s pleasure at an important event or occasion by engaging in enjoyable, typically social, activity.

In Texas: 1 – Let’s shoot out the lights. 2 – We’ll go to town… or at least the far pasture. 3 – Let’s hallelujah the county! 4 – Throw your hat over the windmill. 5 – Let’s wear our Sunday-go-to-meetin’ clothes! 6 – We’re gettin’ happier than gophers in soft dirt.

I have all of my 35 or more cousins in Texas, but these three cousins grew up in a rural town outside of Austin. We spent a lot of time together growing up. They loved to hunt many sorts of wild game on huge thousand-acre ranches. On this particular all-day hunting trip, having walked around for miles, tired and hungry and having not shot anything but the wind with each other, they wanted to get back to the truck immediately for my Aunt’s excellent home-cooking. There was one problem. They’d moved so many times they weren’t sure if the truck was one way or another.

They argued, not rude or abhorrently, but each not trusting the other’s sense of direction. It also did not help they laugh and talk with each other making none of them a stealthy hunter in the least. Greg, the heavier slower walking brother was certain their escape was that way about a mile or two because of where the Sun moved all day and was now nearer the westerly horizon. Clay wasn’t so sure and wanted to one-up Greg as brothers do. “Due to the fall season,” Clay explained, “shorter days, and Earth’s rotation,” he claimed with an irrefutable tone “if we walked faster (glaring at Greg) this direction we’d find the truck a lot sooner.” Billy, the more tired and hungry brother, and argueably the one with more common sense, was not going to be outdone by either of them and said “Well, if the Sun is over there Greg, and the Earth is rotating faster than you walk, and Clay you say the truck’s in front of us, then why not we just sit here arguing until the truck comes to us?“

Ah yes. My beloved state of Texas. Nothing like it or us cowboys inside it, anywhere in the world. We are indeed in some state of mind.

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Heraclitus and The Oak

Posted on June 17, 2014 by Professor Taboo

The Master and his warrior-student rested under a massive oak tree near the stream. “Look Teacher,” said the proud young warrior, “I will become as big and famous as this oak!” banging his sword against its trunk. The Master sighed and told this ancient story…

Sitting under a tree much the same as this one, understanding his place in Nature, a very wise humble man once said, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” On hearing this sage’s words the Oak and the nearby slender reeds argued. A wind blew and the great Oak stood proudly upright with its hundred arms up into the sky. The reeds however, swayed and bowed low under the wind.

“You have reason to complain,” said the Oak to the reeds. “The slightest breeze ruffles the water and makes you bow your heads, while I, the mighty Oak, stand tall and firm against the tempest.”

“Do not worry about us,” replied the reeds. “The winds do not harm us. We bend before them and so do not break. You, in all your pride and strength, have so far resisted, yes. But as the old Sage says, this is not the same river, this is not the same wind, and now you are not the same tree.”

“Pfffft” boasted the giant oak, “Non-sense! We are oak. It has always been this way! We will stand forever!”

As the proud Oak spoke, a great storm rushed in from the north. The Oak stood more proudly fighting against the storm, while the reeds yielded and swayed. The wind’s fury doubled then doubled again, and all at once the great tree fell, torn up by the roots and lying among the pitying reeds.

And looking upon the fallen Oak that wise Sage said, “Better to yield when it is folly to resist, than to resist arrogantly and be destroyed.”

The Master turned to his over-zealous student, and added “If you learn no temperance, your arrogance will be your folly. Even the unmovable is one day moved. Learn your place; embrace your place humbly.”

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Time To Take A Hard Look America

Posted on April 21, 2011 by Professor Taboo

#1 – Denmark

In a recent poll by the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development (OECD) the happiest citizens in the world — out of 140 countries polled — are in Europe, northern Europe to be exact. To read details about the questions used in the poll, click this link: ABC News: Business & Economy. Where did the self-proclaimed mightiest “land of opportunity” nation rank? The United States did not even crack the Top 10.

The OECD found that the health of the nation’s economy was a major influence on the pollees, such as the current unemployment rate. A 2005 article written by Dr. Tony Delamothe and published in the British Medical Journal reported that “individuals typically get richer during their lifetimes, but not happier. It is family, social and community networks that bring joy to one’s life, according to Delamothe.“ Delamothe’s research included Ghana, Mexico, Sweden, the United Kingdom, and the United States. Another very significant influential factor was the citizen’s hourly balance between work and leisure. The poll showed that “While Scandinavian countries boast a high GDP per capita, the average workweek in that part of the world is no more than 37 hours. In China, which got a low score of just 14.8, the workweek is 47 hours and the GDP per capita is just $3,600.“

Before Americans typically begin screaming and quickly pointing the finger, it is time that the deconstructing segregating mentalities — that are often based in medieval conservative-elitist ideologies — be dropped all together and a more GLOBAL humanitarian tolerant mentality be embraced. How critical is this self-examination? Easy….because on a global comparative scale the United States falls short and well behind the rest of the world in too many categories! Whether America likes it or not her once arrogant image of herself as the “beacon to the world” by Lady Liberty in New York harbor, needs to be much more inclusive than globally exclusive. Gone is the age when Americans are immune to the world’s brilliance and problems across two oceans.

Here is an idea: instead of constantly considering ourselves proud Americans, let’s consider ourselves human beings from planet earth that has OTHER 6.8 billion humans existing on it as well….whom ironically are doing better and are much healthier and happier. Happiness, brilliance, or righteousness is not exclusive to just one continent, let alone one nation or ideology. Tunnel-vision is a very risky game when entering narrow railroad tunnels and the status of trains (other nations) are unknown. By the way, who are the other happiest nations that have social-political methods for America to learn from, or model?

#1 – Denmark, #2 – Finland, #3 – Netherlands, #4 – Sweden, #5 – Ireland, #6 – Canada, #7 – Switzerland, #8 – New Zealand, #9 – Norway, #10 – Belgium

Where did the United States rank? According to LifeScience.com, the U.S. comes in at #12. Other studies (Gallup Survey) have America coming in lower. The majority of the unhappiest nations are found on the African continent. One particular area of interest; notice that of the Top 10 nations listed, it begs at least one question, “What type of healthcare systems do they have?” Hmmmmm.