Let me apologize beforehand to my readers who do not favor venting or ranting. But I am a big time communicator of all feelings and thoughts because right or wrong doesn’t matter at that instance! It is the raw honesty that matters and matters critically! No one can or would know how to manage a sensitive situation if they are not working with REAL truths, the bare-naked facts! In a way then, I am not truly apologizing right now; I reserve the right to do it later. But I have to get this off my chest.
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I am not posting this based on any theory. It is not based on any scientific research of which I am presently aware. I’m not even sure if this subject has been written about for ages by thousands. But this post is most definitely from personal experiences and I am getting increasingly fed-up with it!
When I feel my pulse rise like this I try my best to find appropriate ways to vent. One of those successful ways is to go run. Run until I can barely expand my lungs and rib-cage. Another that works for me extremely well is going to a batting-cage and hitting the shit out of baseballs… or softballs if I want to dish out a thoroughly good whacking! True story: once I did bust open the covering on a baseball I swung so hard. I realize the ball was likely old and on its last home run, but still… it felt good!
I am ready to run hard. I am so ready to hit the covers off some baseballs screaming a new expletive with every 1,000 foot homer I hit! Well, I’m not Miguel Cabrera: between 100 – 120 foot homer… some of them frickin’ grounders!
Here is what has happened….. again.
That Delirium Idiot-Inducing Love Gas
The other day I posted a polite encouraging compliment on a dear friend’s profile in response to her photo and comments of how happy she is newly married. I quote: “Isn’t it great to be a great parent [her name]!? And also a phenomenal wife!”
The critical context…
My dear female friend and I have a long close friendship that goes back 30-years to college. We have always been close platonic friends that entire time. This is her second marriage to apparently, according to her, the best man in the world she could’ve ever dreamt for. I am extremely happy for them both! She and I had hundreds of long-distance phone calls running hours long about her first slow dying marriage then exploding divorce which involved her four children. It was nasty and the ex-husband put her through hell and back using the kids, financially putting her through the ringers, and shaming her publicly (via their church) for her extra-marital affair. You’d had thought a public stoning was next.
Over this past Mother’s Day weekend she texted me three long messages overly thanking me for always making her feel she was not the slum-of-the-Earth for cheating on her ex-husband and always fighting his brutal shaming of her and him never taking ownership for his part of a rotting marriage he was clearly a half-part of. The death of a marriage is never ever one-sided; I learned that the hard way twice despite being cheated on both times.
From 400-miles away during her nasty divorce, I had always gladly been available for her. We always had no-holes-barred conversations about anything under the Sun or Moon; I mean ANYTHING! Naturally, this comfort level included much verbal flirting. At the time it helped her self-esteem enormously. Disclaimer: To put any of my reader’s suspicions to bed (seriously no pun intended there!), in our 30-year friendship we had never done anything the least bit sexual; only the verbal flirts over the phone, always 400-miles away.
My Ears Must Be Enormous
When it comes to “unavailable” women, I’ve learned too many times the painful way, my exceptional communication skills, levels of rawness, and articulation are my glory/attraction and my curse/repellant. The doubling of the curse/repellant is also amplified by the seemingly insecure BFH (boyfriend, fiancé, or husband). Here is the kicker: for whatever reasons, the BFH does not know me, or maybe anything about me. He damn sure doesn’t know me like a best friend over five, ten, twenty years or anything about my integrity like she does.
I’ve asked so many times, how/why is this so frequently the case?
Yesterday, I received three long text messages from my dear happily married friend. She preempted her message “I know you’re going to hate what I’m about to say and ask you…” She is probably spot-on because we do indeed know each other (platonically) very well. That is simply the way the Universe has put us in each other’s life. She goes on with “…like you and your ex-wives, I am remarried to a very jealous husband who also was hurt deeply and cheated on. I do not want to and cannot mess this one up!” Finally my semi-orders: “Please rein back your [public] comments and their frequency; he is going to get too suspicious!”
After I took about 45-minutes to an hour to simmer down, I responded, “Helen of Troy [the name I’m giving her here], I am 400-miles away and now we hardly ever talk. Seriously?” We no longer talk for hours or as many times because when they began dating it was too risky and she still had some guilt over her previous infidelity. She wanted to prove to him beyond a shadow of doubt that she was no longer a….let’s use a different term than her ex-husband and church used: expressive courtesan. I completely abided to her fears and request then. Reluctantly I will again, and angry again. I want to scream.
Here is my screaming question which annoyingly arises too often with female friends…
Why can you not openly comfortably talk to your BFH the way you have talked for 30-years to me!?
And this question leads to perhaps too many other revealing questions doesn’t it?
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Part Two will be over two previous situations with good close female friends; one of them I promise will be unexpected and even more revealing! You’ll want to stay-tuned. Trust me.
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The face of relationships should change when we get married. Don’t get me wrong…I am not naive enough to believe that they actually do. I just believe that, in an ideal situation, they SHOULD. We all choose the relationships we allow to develop in our lives as well. I mean, how hard would it be to just taper off a relationship from 400 miles away? (Sorry). The ultimate way to protect yourself from psychotic married women who won’t communicate with their BFH the way you think they should, would be to limit their access to your heart. Now…no more rants about things that are completely in your control. I am, however, selfishly looking forward to juicy part two! Hahahaha! Just being honest. (:
Tricia! As always, thank you for stopping by and giving your side of things! As you know, I always always welcome your candidness in whatever fashion you see fit. 😉
However…(does my introductory retort surprise you?)… “limit their access to your [my] heart.” I know you didn’t just say that!? You, you wonderful female friend of 24-years, of all people saying that!? LOL
Boy, do you and I need to talk more candidly so I can straighten you out! 😉
Ick. This bums me out. I like to think that in Marriage 2.0 we all put our whole self out there in a take me as I am kind of way. And after 30 years, you’re part of the “take me as I am.” I am sorry you’re being burned. 😦
Kelly, sorry to bum you out. Obviously, not all relationships are this ‘unknown’ and timid. And I also realize my heart & mouth can be “strenuous” to manage as a friend and most definitely as a spouse, but you said it right: “take me as I am”. I’m honestly not an embarrassment to take into public, but I also want to “suck the marrow out of life,” not doing anything half-heartedly or out of self-created fear! This includes my friendships and relationships — which I feel is one of the most important tasks in life after raising children properly! *scratch head*
Straighten! What tools are used in that procedure? Because, as you know, I’m pretty crooked!
And you also know that, even though what I say is true, it would be difficult to place truth in parallel with reality!
I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you as a friend!!!
Ahhh… I can relate to this. I’ve dated jealous guys… Couldn’t even go to coffee with a married friend AND his wife without “John” getting jealous. Trust is so critical to any and every relationship, but particularly one with a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. If you can’t even be yourself, and you’re an OLD friend, something is wrong…
Sigh. I wish scenarios like this didn’t exist in our world, but, unfortunately, they do, and I don’t see them going away any time soon.
It makes me ask Jessica, does anyone remember what integrity and honor means and HOW it is lived out? 😦
It probably wouldn’t surprise you to know I’ve had male friends who’ve had the same concern as your female friend. Although there’s the bitchy side of me that want’s to turn my nose down at them and shrug “That’s their problem.” I’m not that unkind or insensitive. This is always what ends up being the irritant. Then again, it’s their loss… The friendship may have been meaningful both ways, but should someone want to limit those ties, that’s their prerogative. What they don’t consider in the process is that we can choose to step away, too.
Honestly, that’s why I’m glad I’m married to the man who knows me best. There are no jealousy issues because there is trust. He knows exactly who and what I am and he’s okay with it….and vice versa.
You have the ideal marriage/husband Kitt! When I seem to get into these predicaments, & sometimes I’m truly unaware of the woman’s intentions at the moment, I quickly try to include the boyfriend or husband. I’m sure you can imagine the many different directions the conversation has then taken. Her “character” is usually revealed. But what seems to NEVER (or very infrequently) get factored in the actions or explanations between she & her partner is why & how am I ever an issue or becoming an issue!? That really irritates the fire out of me! Grrrrrrr!
I can’t help but wonder if you become “the issue” because in their minds there may be more intent than they’re letting on… Of course in the situation of “the cheater” trust is already an issue. Many go into such relationships with kernels of doubt… “If she could do it once, she could do it again”. This feeling is usually much stronger in couples who were party to the adulterous situation, then decided to get/stay together.
With the others…if there is a foundation of trust and communication, it would/should be different. There is always the chance that the couple discuss you and your role in her life and the man still not feel comfortable with your friendship, but at least you wouldn’t feel like a “dirty little secret”.
Exactly! But whether there is a strong attraction between us or not, it’s hard for me to fathom why ANYONE should feel threatened, especially if you have a sexual pulse/inclination as EVERYONE does/should, by me or any other potential lover! It could also be (in my case) the usual Fire-Hydrant Syndrome: ‘dogs’ who piss-out their territory/domain/property. Familiar with it?
Of course I am. Then again, one who is naturally an alpha rarely feels the need to exert dominance unless directly provoked. Those that are “less” are constantly in need to prove themselves and their worth… Familiar with “Little Big Man Syndrome”? It’s the same general concept except instead of height, it deals in insecurity. 😉
Oh yeah, very familiar. I call it the Napoleon Syndrome & I’ve had to deal with many Napoleons. What is tragically ironic is they inevitably end up manifesting exactly what it is they’re trying to avoid & fear most. Classic Greek comedy/tragedy! 😉
What’s more ironic is that I (or him) were never really the “threat” in the first place (e.g. my Here Be Dragons post). Every single man can become the world’s best “bad-boy” lover if he’ll just swallow his pride or insecurity, which ever gets in the way. And that goes too for any woman becoming Aphrodite! It isn’t a damn competition; it’s a classroom & it’s open-enrollment!
Ah, but people have more difficulty swallowing pride than just about anything else out there. 😉
By the way, since you & I have similar musical taste, you might checkout my June 2013 music pick, on my Music tab above. Tell me what you think. 🙂