There’s No Way!

Anyone who has had to deal with manifested psychiatric-psychological disorders like manic bipolar disorder as well as/or clinical addiction, which often go hand-in-hand, then like me you can probably relate to and empathize about why this particular song* speaks volumes to me. It captures the intensity. It covers ALL of the mental and emotional ups and downs, successes and failures, that seem to be a never-ending saga of love, hope, destruction, beauty, anger, disappointment, joy, and most of all perseverance. I sometimes wonder if staying isn’t abnormal.

I live a chemical life
I’m on a mission to try
You went insane for a day
I’ll have to shove it away
My only option is gone
Smile as they break and they fall
You want a simpler life
You can’t erase what was mine

Even though it is human nature to often seek perfection and expect perfection, we eventually find that in seeking and expecting perfection, we find imperfection. The more perfection desired, the more imperfection found. Sounds quite insane, quite a formula for cyclical chaos doesn’t it?

[Pre-Chorus:]
You must be out of your mind!
This was a simple design!
You fuck it up every time
How could you leave me behind

Yes, there have been many times over the decades where I thought I was going out of my mind! But many times I felt denying or running from the problem(s) wouldn’t solve anything or teach me/us anything either! But everyone doesn’t think or feel like I do, so some do indeed “run”… and leave me behind. Some truly want immediate satisfaction and relief!

[Chorus:]
It’s alright, it’s alright
’cause I know what you want
but you’ll just have to wait
If I had it to give
I would give it away
I’m living it up
while I’m falling from grace
There’s no way, there’s no way that I’m running away

And in my years of employment in the Psych/A&D field helping others, I eventually found that if I don’t remain disciplined with my own mental-emotional health, rest, and recreation, I too can fall from grace. I am just as human as the next and I am reminded of that, dancing that edge sometimes as I must, as long as I remain truly human inside humanity. Make sense?

How many thousands of times I have heard this rationale and events play out…

I’m used to making it worse
Made up of four letter words
You wanna know what it was
Now isolated and gone
You fall apart at the seams
I’ll never know what it means
Try not to pull it apart
You’re anger’s straight from the heart

[Pre-chorus]

[Chorus]

There were numerous times when my patience and will were exhausted, done. All I wanted was to be selfish, left alone in solitude, or to do one of my favourite therapies: dancing. And yes, even dancing and screaming energetically angry too… at first, maybe. (wink)

But then…

It had to be the worst for me
I don’t know what to say so let me be
And now I find you left me behind**
I don’t know what to say so nevermind!

You’re mine!

I still belong here, there… with my human family, with my tribe, with my soul mates… through the good times and the bad. Together.

’cause I know what you want
but you’ll just have to wait
If I had it to give
I would give it away
I’m living it up
while I’m falling from grace
There’s no way, there’s no way that I’m running away

I don’t have all the answers, nor can I guarantee immediate results — you’ll just have to wait… be patient. If I had it to give, I would give it away! But in the meantime, I’ll be here with you. I might get frustrated, even angry, but I will celebrate successes just as pumped and just as excited as you do! “You’re mine.” You’re ours.

You know, maybe we don’t need such super high expectations of perfection. Since perfection always accompanies imperfection, let’s find all the beauty in imperfection and embrace it along with perfection. Let’s learn to screw up better each time! But do not fear…

There’s no way that I’m running away.

(paragraph break)

* “Simple Design” by Breaking Benjamin (2004)
** This line refers to my Dad who in July 1990 took his own life without reaching out.

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

(paragraph break)

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26 thoughts on “There’s No Way!

  1. Sometimes you’ve just tried staying so hard and for so long you’re just exhausted. You might not even be running away for good, just for a few hours – because, yes, you need some relief.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re right Ruth. Healthy balances (or rebalances) are important! What I have found personally in the exhausting circumstances is my matching desire/need for rebalancing. The matching rebalance is sometimes very intense or opposite, if that makes sense. Yet, that is only a portion of the entire human chemistry equation — I want to be aware (acutely?) of another’s homeostasis, or disequalibrium. After all, it’s not always about me. I love the operative concept: teamwork. And I am not shy about how “dirty” or vulnerable it makes someone/people… or myself. Humans have more in common than uncommon…

      …except maybe when it comes to learned behaviour and thinking, and the ripple-effect both have on others and a situation.

      Like my sister and her 35+ years of addiction now compiled/exacerbated by psychiatric disorders the last ten. And my sister is only ONE of an estimated 21.5-million Americans with dual-diagnosis disorders! Hah! In other words, while seeking, going to, or finding that “relief” for myself I am likely to then bump into exactly what it is I’m relieving myself of! Bwahahaha! 😛

      Though I do have tendencies toward “work hard, play hard“… detachment or denial or throwing money at it, won’t reduce or eleviate the imbalances. Inevitably boots must be on the ground, if I can borrow the phrase. Hence, my relief can be as INTENSE as necessary like in this song. LOL 😈

      Would you agree Ruth? 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • I guess in this, like with everything else in life, to each their own. Some people thrive on all that intensity. Being an introvert, when I’ve experienced intense situations I tend to withdraw, have alone time – quiet time. Reading a book, getting lost in a film, listening to music(yes, dancing but alone) are what recharge me.

        The trouble is that the person in crisis can feel like you’re running out on them or that you just don’t care. That may not be the case. It might just be that overstimulation is overwhelming and self-care is important. If you get burned out permanently, running away becomes a more attractive option.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I guess in this, like with everything else in life, to each their own. Some people thrive on all that intensity.

          I admire and am grateful for your willingness to respect/allow personal freedoms to me — within generally intuitive human rights of course — and I also assume for others as well, to ‘choose’ our methods of rebalance. Thank you Ruth. 🙂

          That is not always the case these days is it? Conformity often seems the social bacterial infection going around. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy challenges. They sharpen the mind and body; healthy of course, like a lean diet. I probably don’t need to mention this, but you know you can disagree with me, ask pointed questions, challenge me firmly… it is all good, IF kept respectful & civil. You have always been that way with me Ruth. It does not go unnoticed and I give it in return.

          With that said, “the intense” rebalancing is only occasional and relative to my current or recent events. I too thoroughly enjoy introversion, quietness, reading (for sure!), living vicariously in an exceptional film without compulsive talkers or bathroom-prone friends, music (duh), and dancing… alone or otherwise! But then I like to rebalance from all of that too. If possible, yes…have my cake AND devouring it too! LOL 😀

          The trouble is that the person in crisis can feel like you’re running out on them or that you just don’t care. That may not be the case. It might just be that overstimulation is overwhelming and self-care is important. If you get burned out permanently, running away becomes a more attractive option.

          Indeed, with regard to the person-in-crisis and abandonment issues. That’s where impeccable communication & articulation skills, WITH healthy boundaries, come into serious play. With my sister I’ve HAD to perfect this skill as well as with many friends/people who are sometimes social-rejects. Enabling is extremely unhealthy, present or future. :/ Self-empowerment is the key. Sadly, much of Western civilization, especially Puritan America, teach that all human-kind need a Proxy for life and death — the biggest pile of mule-shit every invented! LOL (actually it isn’t a laughing matter) But since at least the 10th century BCE and the advent of monotheism and its theology, we’ve been brainwashed/programmed to believe self-disempowerment is the ONLY way for fulfillment. 😮

          Hmmm. Overstimulation is relative. It is also managed well or poorly by those with and without impulse control. 😉

          If you get burned out permanently, running away becomes a more attractive option.” Referring to addicts or psych-patients I couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately, they traditionally and statistically go back to drugs (for the addict) or get off their medication (for the psych patient). But the escapism is understandably from a horribly RIGID, naive, judgemental society that don’t want to be part of the solutions, or the therapeudic options, or to CHANGE or redirect the cyclical behaviour! One of the biggest reasons mainstream society here in America remains & often chooses to continually detach is because many of their justifications are religious, political, or based in unfounded fear. How many of those escaping “runaways” can go far enough to be truly “away”? Few. Whether American society wants to deal with them one-on-one or not (and that includes me!), NOT dealing with them doesn’t eleviate the financial and societal problem. It only gets worse over time when they have only 1 or 2 options at their immediate disposal.

          Now, it is possible that mentioning running away was referring to yourself and not the general crisis population. So everything I stated above would be null and void, right? Or would it? LOL 😉

          Liked by 1 person

    • Hahahahaha.

      A great post Professor. There are some dark paths that must be walked in order to understand our minds and achieve some contented balance to hold hands with. Dancing is therapy in itself!

      – esme dancing every day upon the Cloud

      Liked by 3 people

      • Thank you Dancing Esme. Tis true, Dark paths indeed. Journies of which I am familiar and each one unique, surprising, astounding, and scary. But we are not alone! None of us. ❤

        So my Lady… can I have this dance? 😈

        Liked by 3 people

    • Hahaha! Hariod, and at the other end of the bipolar mania 😉 is my wild elation for Leicester City’s good chances of proving all my theories and the earned benefits of TEAMWORK and selflessness, as well as my admonitions of how human systems breakdown much more without it in the pompous faces of millions & billions of dollars/British-pounds spent! LOL 😛 I really hope the Foxes take it all!!!

      And yes, along with dancing, football/futebol is another one of my BIG releases/reliefs! Such a Beautiful Game!, Sir. Don’t you think? 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. First off, Professor… great song! I love Breaking Benjamin. They are a great band.

    [T]here have been many times over the decades where I thought I was going out of my mind! But many times I felt denying or running from the problem(s) wouldn’t solve anything or teach me/us anything either! But everyone doesn’t think or feel like I do, so some do indeed “run”… and leave me behind. Some truly want immediate satisfaction and relief!

    Ah, Touché! So many times I think I will lose my mind with the up and down emotional roller coaster. I want to scream, “LET ME OFF!”, but then I realize I am a grown up and must move on, learn, absorb, live, and… overwhelmingly understand that I need to be an example as well. This means also understanding that 1) you can’t change people, only yourself 2) change does take time. During these times of dealing with problems and others, the emotions can be intense: love and hate… often both simultaneously, thus the feeling of “going out of my mind!”

    Using another song by this same band, I “feel” the emotions behind these lyrics:

    I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.
    Is it over yet, in my head?

    I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind.
    Is it over yet? I can’t win.

    So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
    I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
    I’m going all the way, get away, please.

    [Chorus:]
    You take the breath right out of me.
    You left a hole where my heart should be.
    You got to fight just to make it through,
    ’cause I will be the death of you.

    This will be all over soon.
    Pour salt into the open wound.
    Is it over yet? Let me in.

    [Chorus:]

    [Bridge]
    I’m waiting, I’m praying, realize, start hating.

    Oh! the dichotomy of the human mind. In a reference to your other post about memes, I feel like one that I recently saw: “Caution: Can go from 0 to Bitch in 2.5 seconds”, but I would add: then back to “loving and understanding just as soon as finished.” 🙂 How’s that for feeling quite insane? LOL… I guess “insane” is the new normal, huh? However, I would like to think that I have a better grip on my emotions than most – actually, I know I do or I would be surrounded by dead bodies and chaos. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Should I mention those are symptoms of MBD you are/were exhibiting? Perhaps I shouldn’t. 😛 (evil chuckle)

      Seriously though Lonestar, I would begin to question and be suspicious of someone who showed little to NO emotional vulnerability. The only people who have the right to be ice-cold cool and composed — because their lives depend on it — are military spies, counter-insurgents, and combat soldiers. To a certain degree political leaders dealing with foreign leaders & governments. Otherwise, I’d question whether the phlegmatic had the capacity to truly care for something or someone. 😮 Sometimes, whether we like it or not… we must fight — referring to mental & emotional ‘combat’ that is, followed by therapeutic decompression… like intense dancing or beautiful futebol! 😉

      Life and our interaction with it has SO MUCH TO OFFER both intrinsically and extrinsically! Yes? 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This is a very powerful post. Gaining balance in life is very hard, I personally find it almost impossible. I am either doing everything or nothing, feeling ridiculously high or plumbing the very darkest depths of my psyche. But onwards we all go and yes! Dancing is the very best therapy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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