Does Size Matter?

My intelligence officer frantically bursts through my plastic door, salutes with the wrong hand and reports to me in broken sentences and insufficient oxygen-intake THE terrible crisis which has befallen us:

Highly General! We’ve been hit by a surprise attack that is of the scale and deadly precision of… yes… Dec. 7th, 1941… “A date which will live in INFAMY!

Stunned and not sure whether I left the refrigerator door open this morning or not, and whether I remembered to apply my under-arm deodorant, I asked my IO Alright, so how bad is it? What’s the damage report?”

Sir of Highlyness, the reports are still preliminary, but all sectors are fighting gallantly in all directions! But there is just TOO MANY of them. We are being overrun!

I scramble to find somewhere on my big desk in front of my BIG chair underneath all my “kinky surveillance photos” and questionable magazines, Where is that file? I know it’s here somewhere!” Shuffle, shuffle, push, push… HAH! There it is!” My IO with the utmost attentiveness of a feline inside a pet-bird store snaps WHAT!? What is it your Highlyness!?”

I open up the top-secret file labelled “Top Secret” to read valuable national security data for kitchens:

If you have been seeing small flies or gnats in your kitchen, they’re probably fruit flies. Fruit flies can be a problem year round, but are especially common during late summer/fall because they are attracted to ripened or fermenting fruits and vegetables.

There it is. The Coup d’état of preemptive covert preparations in early to mid-April. Yes, APRIL! What good does that do us in June under piles of kinky photos and unconventional magazine… research!? The extensive report continues:

Adults are about 1/8 inch long and usually have red eyes. The front portion of the body is tan and the rear portion is black. Fruit flies lay their eggs near the surface of fermenting foods or other moist, organic materials. Upon emerging, the tiny larvae continue to feed near the surface of the fermenting mass. This surface-feeding characteristic of the larvae is significant in that damaged or over-ripened portions of fruits and vegetables can be cut away without having to discard the remainder for fear of retaining any developing larvae. The reproductive potential of fruit flies is enormous; given the opportunity, they will lay about 500 eggs. The entire life-cycle from egg to adult can be completed in about a week. 

Obviously I cannot confirm the red eyes because the little f*ckers never stay still, especially when I try to look up close directly at their eyes! Tan bodies? What!? Are they migrating here from Caribbean beaches of UV-coconut lotion? Wow, what a life!

Eggs on fermenting foods or organic materials? That is unequivocally wrong! I have nothing fermenting within my zone-of-defense and most grocers don’t sell anything organic, at least not at reasonable prices! Damn, these little pecker-pests have figured out another method of infiltration and penetration! And I am NOT talking about Karen McDougal or Stormy Daniels. HOLY SHIT! 500 eggs!? The entire life-cycle from egg to adult can be completed in about [30-seconds].” Well, at least that’s much much longer than Donnie T’s endurance.

As I am reading this Top Secret file I have three enemy flies/gnats buzz me. One tries entry into my nostril the other tries my ear like my skull is the Death Star and they have delusions of Luke Skywalker grandeur! OH HELL NO!” I’m swatting my hands everywhere like M.C. Hammer on steroids firing laser-machine-guns! BAAM! BOOM! gnatty-ness carnage everywhere!

But within minutes there’s another wave of horny-for-500-more fruity flies flying to my kitchen and to every orifice on my body… I presume because I do not have enough organic produce! Hence, I am the fruiter’s target. I must read the rest of the Top Secret fruit-fly files FAST… EEER!

ERADICATION – or Counter-attacks:
Once a structure is infested with fruit flies, all potential breeding areas must be located and eliminated. Unless the breeding sites are removed or cleaned, the problem will continue no matter how often insecticides are applied to control the adults. Finding the source(s) of attraction and breeding can be very challenging and often will require much thought and persistence. Potential breeding sites which are inaccessible (e.g., garbage disposals and drains) can be inspected by taping a clear plastic food storage bag over the opening overnight. If flies are breeding in these areas, the adults will emerge and be caught in the bag.

Are you fuckin’ kidding me? I have to find areas with 500 eggs? And we thought Easter was fun!?

I scream at my IO, Corporal Klinger! It is time to call-in SEAL Team D-O. We have no choice, no hope of clean orifices if we do not call-in the Specialized DO-ers.”

Cpl Klinger

Cpl. Klinger, Intelligence Officer

Cpl. Klinger stares forward and stares forward… KLINGER!” He jumps to attention, SIR!?” I give him the piercing reprimand-stare, This is no time for daydream believers and homecoming Queens! Make the call!” He salutes proudly, “Yes sir. Right away sir! I’m sure the Black-Ops of Drain-O squad will see to it that Operation Orifice is a resounding success!”

“Well, it better be or we will become the 30-second breeding ground of eggs-galore! Can you imagine being violated like that in 30-seconds?” Both of us pause a few seconds and remember the long, long history of patriarchal plunder. Cpl. Klinger begins to open his mouth to respond. STOP! Do not answer that.”

“Right now we have a formidable fruit-fly foray requiring our finest feats of ferocity! Are you fit for this forthcoming fatal function of fracas fruit-fly…” I must pause to wipe my lip and chin… FARNAGE! the Cpl. blurts out! You are indeed my fashionable Intelligence Officer. Go call SEAL team DO-ers!”

The Battle-Smoke Slowly Clears, the Smell of Apple Vinegar Lingers with Fly-Bodies Floating Lifeless Everywhere

💀  💀  💀  💀  💀

It was near disaster. There were so many. They just kept coming and coming and coming. Three bottles of apple-cider vinegar (squirted with Dawn dishsoap) gone, strategically dispersed throughout our fortress defenses, precision counter-attacks by the SEAL DO-ers, and orifices brilliantly booby-trapped… the war had been won, but at what cost? Would we be able to withstand the next attack? Unless we breed like our fruity enemy do we have a chance? Yes, we were victors, for now. Like the dinosaurs we are big and mighty, for now. But can we last?

Do numbers matter? Scary still, does size matter? We face an uncertain future with those levels of reproduction and libidos. I don’t think we hetero males will keep up. Have we been deluding ourselves over the millenia with dreams of superiority?


Live Well — Make Love Much More? — Laugh Often at our Arrogance — Learn Always from the Tiny Details

Creative Commons License
This work by Professor Taboo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at

32 thoughts on “Does Size Matter?

  1. Here in southwest florida we had an infestation of those little nats. They were everywhere. Everyone was complaining. They seem to have migrated to your area as we have not been bothered with them in a while. Sorry about that. They are pesky in your face hard to swap buggers. Hugs

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh man! I’ve never had it THIS bad! But they usually pop-up in early Spring, mid-Spring? And knowing this I NEVER keep any old produce out because once those bastards start breeding and dropping 500-eggs, DUDE… you will be harassed by wave after wave of pesky impossible-to-swat buggers! I knocked over more drinks, decor, and devices — they love LED lights! — than I ever came close to taking ’em out with my air-to-air missles! 🤪🤬

      Take them all back Scottie! NOW!

      Liked by 2 people

        • HAH! 😆 We are infested with wing-nuts! Rick Perry is our poster boy! The problem with getting control of them is that they don’t prefer apple-cider vinegar. They prefer Pasion Azteca by Tequila Ley (at $3.5-million) and Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne (at $2-million)… and pricey prostitutes/escorts or mistresses, or under-aged boys some of them. This is why they are rampant around here! 😮 😉

          Any suggestions for those type gnats? 😛

          Liked by 2 people

          • Nope, all out of ideas. I have been trying to get rid of those pests for about 40 years. I think they key is genetic modification so they can’t breed, like they do to mosquitoes. The problem is that for it to work you have to release them back into their native habitats and the danger they do as an invasive species makes releasing any of them, sterile or not, an immoral act. Besides some say they pass on their weird destructive ways through oral transmission also. Amplified by a rotting cesspool called fox news where they multiply unchecked. People have tried things like common sense and education to get them under control but sadly they seem immune to such tactics. As they seem to be getting worse we can only hope they will drive themselves into extinction without taking the rest of us with them. 😃😆😄😋😍 Hugs

            Liked by 1 person

            • Ya know Scottie, I’m not sure anymore if we’re talking about fruit-fly gnats or Rebuplicans. 🤔 I guess then that is when we must employ the “size” measurables? Or would that not help either? 😉

              Liked by 1 person

            • Depends what we measure? Intelligence and reason would indicate we are talking gnats. Unpleasantness or being despicable would indicate republicans. Also I have heard gnats have bigger genitals. 🤣😅😂 Hugs

              Liked by 1 person

            • Hahahahaha!!! Well, we had that long-standing myth PROUDLY established since being annexed into the Union in 1845. But crushingly to our BIG PRIDES and BIG DELUSIONS that legend was shamefully, embarrassingly, and divinely dispelled October 19, 2012:

              No Dickie on Big Texie

              So… as it turns out we Texans have an OVERSIZED imagination of ourselves. 😛

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Funny stuff! Here in the Pacific Northwest, fruit flies are a HUGE problem.

    Hey, mister. Are there 10,000 fruit flies in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

    Fruit flies are pernicious spreaders of disease, so don’t take them lightly. In addition to the control measures you cited, keeping doors closed and windows adequately screened also helps. You can build effective fruit fly traps using a tall cylindrical glass, a paper funnel, and apple cider vinegar. Form the cone-shaped funnel to fit about 3/4 into the glass and use tape to hold it together. Cut the bottom of the funnel off to make a small hole about 1/4 inch in diameter. Add the vinegar to the glass so that the level is just below the bottom of the funnel. Put the funnel into the glass and place the trap in infested areas. The fruit flies will be attracted to the smell of rotting fruit (i.e. the vinegar), pass through the bottom funnel hole, and get caught in the glass.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel your pain! I brought in a box from the outdoor storage a few months ago never realizing that those little German roaches make their homes in that type of material and I was fighting for months to get rid of them. Apparently, they love popping out the babies as well. We locked down this place like the most secure fortress, wouldn’t leave a single fork in the sink until I was certain I’d exterminated the entire colony, every man, woman, and child. I’d never felt so murderous in all my life!


  4. I used to be plagued with those confounded things. I eventually traced the problem to banana peels thrown in the trash. Since then, every time I throw away a banana peel, I give a quick shot of bug spray into the trash bag. It seems to work.

    But it’s hard to control creatures so tiny that the most trivial food waste can support whole populations. I’ve read that the typical human home supports about two million dust mites. At least they can’t fly (and are too tiny to see).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh HELL YEAH Infidel! They are like miniature rabbits-with-wings when they repopulate x500 each day! Bug spray works for 2-3 days I would think, but ours are SO BIG down here (Texas, like a whole nother WORLD!) our highly educated pesticiologist provide us with extra protection… against their infestation orgies. It’s called “DMCA” and with black-lights we must find the males, find their penises, and slip-on the DMC’s, or Drosophila melanogaster condoms (application)… DMCAing. No, do NOT sing YMCA. That pisses all the flies off.

      The typical human home on a microbiological level is indeed a cesspool of breeding organisms! Did you know about these things: Demodex mites?

      You can’t see them, but they’re there. They are microscopic mites, eight-legged creatures rather like spiders. Almost every human being has them. They spend their entire lives on our faces, where they eat, mate and finally die.

      Here’s the article to the bastards living on our faces! —

      Maybe fruit flies are the least of our worries. 😬

      Liked by 1 person

      • That is definitely going in next Sunday’s link round-up. “Animals that are literally full of shit live on your face.” Who could resist?

        We may not be able to get rid of Demodex, but I suspect our descendants will. During the Dark Ages in Europe it was routine for people to be infested with lice, and they were similarly impossible to get rid of permanently, but very few people in the advanced world carry them now. In the meantime, if I can ignore two million dust mites in the carpet, I can pretend these aren’t there as well.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Animals that are literally full of shit live on your face.” HAH! I guess if you want to just KILL your blog stats, that would be the post to do it with. 😉 On another twist regarding Demodex and the microbiological world, probably down to the subatomic level too, these are just another example of how utterly connected to, enmeshed (literally) we Homo sapiens are to this planet, huh? We CANNOT detach ourselves from it… from the ANIMAL kingdom, on any level. We literally have this planet living ON US and INSIDE US! Bwahahahahaha! We are freaks with/of Nature! 😄


  5. I have noticed that mild infestations occur here not long after a house plant, recently bought, comes into the house. My theory, and it is a layman theory to be sure, is that the little bastards lay eggs in the soil wherever these plants are potted, and they come in as Trojan Gnats.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahahaha! I can think of many other examples of “Trojan” annoyances with their subtle, covert invasions into our private homes… trying to tell us how unrighteous we live and are going down to that nether-world of fire! Is there bug spray for those gnats? 😛


Go Ahead, Start the Discussion!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s