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Some of my friends already know this story; not just its humor but also the infamy of Texas chili. For those of you who do not know this story, enjoy!
Frank, from the northeastern coast of the U.S., recently judged the chili contest at the Terlingua Chili Cook-off in west Texas. Here is the story as Frank presented it and remembers…
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans of great chili experience) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have FREE beer during the tasting. That’s all I needed to know! I accepted.” Here are the official scorecards from the event:
~~ Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili ~~
Judge #1 — “A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.”
Judge #2 — “Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.”
Judge #3 — (Frank) “HOLY SHIT! What the hell is this stuff? You can remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
~~ Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili ~~
Judge #1 — “Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.”
Judge #2 — “Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.”
Judge #3 — (Frank) “Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.”
~~ Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili ~~
Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
~~ Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic ~~
Judge #1– Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh cold beer refills. That 400-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
~~ Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover ~~
Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
~~ Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety ~~
Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
~~ Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili ~~
Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed over my lips and out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
~~ Chili #8: Toe-Nail Curling Chili ~~
Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when the third Judge passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor guy, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 —
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Friday, December 21st, 2012 has come and gone without any apocalyptic event, and perhaps to the chagrin of many hyper-dooms-dayers. Much of the fears and predictions are fortunately based in the misunderstanding of the Mayan calendars and how they worked within the 250 – 900 BCE civilization. Attempting to project contemporary ideas of time onto the ancient Mayan methods of time would be like attaching square wheels to your car — it is a show of ignorance.
The Professor's Convatorium 