While searching strenuously in Mom’s chaotic (Alzheimer’s) bedroom and study-desk and boxes of files everywhere for the 2007 Toyota Avalon maintenance file/history of receipts, etc., I came across nine pages of a correctional driver’s test for motor vehicle offenders. Who was the offender? None other than my own Mom. Yes, “Say it isn’t so Nellie!” 😧

My Mom apparently was a modern, yet tamer, Bonnie without—or maybe with—some unknown “Clyde.” My draw dropped as I read this traffic offender’s 9-page test for my own flesh and blood: Mom. Should I read on? Should I not? What to do.

I browsed. I read page one, then two, and three and so on until I reached the end of the Offender’s Reprogramming Test. Mom!? She needed reprogramming for the safety of the general public!? “Say it isn’t so Nellie!” Not my own Mom! No way!

Now I knew of two different traffic citations issued to her between 2015 and 2019 when she was still driving with a license. But I am quite unsure if there were more than two pullover citations during those two or five years when she drove a lot. Reading this Traffic Offender’s Reprogramming Test after a 1 or 2 week classroom course, I was perplexed by many of the multiple-choice questions. Of the two, maybe three, traffic courses I ever took in my 43+ year driving lifetime, never was I tested with THESE sort of questions! I was stunned, flabbergasted by the direct questions and what they implied about the traffic offender… my own Mom! “Say it isn’t so Nellie!” Or rather Bonnie Parker!

For instance, Section II, question #2:
What are the five leading causes of motor vehicle CRASHES in Texas as identified by the Dept. of Traffic Safety?:

1. Excessive alcohol and/or drug use
2. Unsafe high speeds (or well under the speed limit)
3. Flagrant disregard for stop signs or go signals
4. Failure to yield the right of way to other motorists
5. Following too close (tailgating) or up their arse

Or Section II, question #3:
What are the two leading causes of traffic FATALITIES in Texas?:

1. Excessive alcohol and drugs
2. Attitudes, emotions, aggressiveness, drowsy driver, and bad driver habits

Or Section III, question #4:
What factors demonstrate the lack of knowledge and understanding of traffic laws and proper procedures?

1. License plates on both the front and rear of vehicle
2. No one under the age of 18-yrs in Texas can ride in the rear bed of a pickup truck, except for unsecured house pets.
3. The proper or improper speed limit inside a flashing school zone
4. At night with oncoming traffic on a two-lane or four-lane remote highway or inside city limits, high-beam headlights are recommended or not recommended?
5. All of the above

Or Section IV, question #1:
Describe proper passing procedures on Texas highways when…

1. Passing in the left lane
2. Passing on the right on a multi-lane road or highway if the car in front is slowed or stopped to turn left
3. Passing a slower vehicle (below speed limit) in the left lane when signs everywhere indicate “Slower Traffic Keep Right”
4. Giving courteous signals to other drivers so they know your intentions

And then Section X, questions #1–#5, but specifically #4:

1. Psychological factors of unsafe driving:
   • Attention span
   • Short-term memory
   • Unstable emotions
   • Overly aggressive behavior
   • Intolerance and impatience

And finally, Section XI, questions 1 thru 4:
Proper legal carrying of firearms inside a moving vehicle

1. When stopped by law-enforcement on roads or highways, if you carry a concealed weapon or weapons, show the legal permit(s) first, not the weapon(s)… Bonnie Parker. 😉

∼ ∼ ∼ § ∼ ∼ ∼

What was more shocking for me was that today Mom confessed two more things to me about her two (maybe 3-4?) Texas Traffic Offender’s Reprogramming Courses.

One, her parents named their very first child Bonnie. She died 2-4 months old as Bonnie Bonnet (or Bonet in French). Mom explained to me that her father Felix Bonnet was “fascinated” with Bonnie and Clyde. Riiiiiight. 🤔

Two, my maternal grandparents were also (apparently, at least in public) very Pentecostal faith-goers from a very long line of Waldensians! WHAT!? Hang on a minute! I had to completely readjust my initial maternal parent and grandparents. Was my world based upon falsehoods? Based on lots of little “white lies”? Oh the locked up family secrets in buried locations and inside sealed, boarded “closets.” What’s a man like me supposed to think about my family heritage? 😕😄

P.S. A smidge of slight embellishment may or may not have been utilized in this family story.

Live Well – Love Much – Laugh Often – Learn Always

The Professor’s Convatorium © 2023 by Professor Taboo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0