Despite the Risks

Home sick today, allowing for needed reflection and solace.

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flaming-heart

An organ of fire.

I write today not with regret or disgust, but with familiar anguish.  This heavy feeling reminds me of a day in the pediatrician’s patient-room with my beloved son when he was 6-8 months old.  He was to receive four immunization shots and I would have to be the one to hold him down.  It was too much for his mother to bear so it fell on me…as if I had the colder stronger heart.  I hated every moment, every four moments!  I remember how sickened my stomach felt as we left – I wanted to hunch over.

That is how I have felt these last three days; more so at night trying to fall asleep.

When you have been taught and raised, and have learned how to do everything exceptionally well, you inevitably set yourself up for risks.  If you seek quality, we naturally seek protection of that quality.  If you seek perfection, then we are inherently seeking imperfection.  And with rare quality, with protection, and so with perfection comes its painful costs.

Like that day at the doctor’s with my son, I must take a very mournful course.

They Flee From Me

By Sir Thomas Wyatt

They flee from me that sometime did me seek
With naked foot, stalking in my chamber.
I have seen them gentle, tame, and meek,
That now are wild and do not remember
That sometime they put themself in danger
To take bread at my hand; and now they range,
Busily seeking with a continual change.
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Thanked be fortune it hath been otherwise
Twenty times better; but times in special,
In thin array after a pleasant guise,
When her loose gown from her shoulders did fall,
And she me caught in her arms long and small;
Therewithall sweetly did me kiss
And softly said, “Dear heart, how like you this?”
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It was no dream: I lay broad waking.
But all is turned thorough my gentleness
Into a strange fashion of forsaking;
And I have leave to go of her goodness,
And she also, to use newfangleness.
But since that I so kindly am served
I would fain know what she hath deserved.
(separation)

* * * * * * * * * *

An intuitive friend of mine told me weeks ago of new beginnings with relief for me and a “sense that there is one major decision to make, and once you do actually make that decision, so very much else will follow.”  How spot-on she was.  Will I enjoy it?  No, not at all…but I will embrace it.

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