Of Me, By Me, and For Me

Posted on October 22, 2025 by Professor Taboo

In the wake of what has happened here September 10th, 2025, in Orem, Utah, USA, where severe, violent extremism rose another notch, I am begging all Americans, every single one of you to please, please, please, PLEASE prove me wrong with the obvious direction this country is being led. Please prove me wrong! Speak up, do not stay silent… sadly, at the risk of your own life, like Charlie Kirk had the political right to do, whether his world-view, his political persuasion was right or wrong, fascist or American, SPEAK THA EFFIN UP and get active in your governmental process! I cannot emphasize this dire NEED enough, never.

Therefore, let me show all of you Americans the very poor state, the decaying cancer that has become the United States of America due to the apathy and non-participating American public standing up with their citizens of power to the unscrupulous authority, corrupt government, and persuasive mega-wealthy Dark Money into a Constitutional revamp that has been bringing down this republic democracy in which our 18th-century Founding Fathers fought so hard with their own blood, toil, tears, and sons.

Also, on a sidenote I do not mind one bit the length at which I examine and write about this subject of the decaying, cancerous condition and health of American democracy today and of the severe apathy and willful ignorance of American voters/citizens. Thus, if this blog publication becomes 3,000 or 5,000 or 20,000 words long, so be it. This understanding of the scummy, swampy, cesspool that is our nation’s current politics and corrupt wealth in it… is far, far, FAR too important for me to worry needlessly about reader’s short attention spans and shallow comprehension, or more to the point, their shameful laziness to read intently and earnestly what I’ve written here. So grin and bear it if you care about the terminal illness of your country, my country, our country as true Americans.

Let’s get started!

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There is a juxtaposed personality, or a duel and conflicting personality, or personalities in American politics. Not that that is big news, but the reality is that it has been present in our nation (and other nations) since the first cries of our 18th-century independence from Great Britain. 21st-century Americans must wake up and accept the state and condition of their dying nation! The fight to keep this democracy functioning is a DAILY responsibility. Period. Always has been, always will be.

This begs the question: where is the problem? Where is the cancer? I will tell you.

Our politicians and government no longer fear the American public or the American voters. Why? Because the “average American,” the masses of this country can no longer hurt those in positions of power and wealth, or they do not know how. The American public, the ordinary American voter/citizen has allowed this impunity to manifest inside U.S. government and its puppeteers. How? How has this been allowed to happen?

Our Lust for In-Your-Face Entertainment Value

Americans have always embraced affectionally their evil-doers, their entertaining criminals, e.g. D.B. Cooper, Butch Cassidy, Sundance Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, Anna Delvy, etc., and the long list goes on. Americans LOVE their defiant icons of cultish personality. Power, wealth, authority, defiance, and fear are extremely intoxicating, addicting to American politicians and the American public. Most of Americans are endlessly tempted and they fall from grace because of the severe pressures that go with a “public image,” celebrity status, and many of us worship them by our obsessive following of them like love-sick puppy dogs.

This too often permeates into our national and state governing as well. There is no exception either as a politician “Of the People, By the People, and For the People,” probably much more than all American voters could possibly imagine that goes on in Washington D.C., or those of us who become addicted roadies, followers, worshipers of them. And those officials/criminals in government roles must live up to a 24/7, 365-days a year, certain public image until they resign or retire from public service whether they like it or not, or whether they can demonstrate the moral fiber, character, and willpower to just say no… repeatedly. They must fake it publicly in order to generate campaign funding to stay in office and maintain their constituent’s support at the polls. Many fail, many are outright hypocrites whether intentional or not, and yet sadly the American people are duped over and over by these sketchy types of political personalities still to this day! This is and always has been the overly glamorized American culture by Hollywood. How? What are they really feeding it?

The Conscious, Preconscious, and Unconscious

Why is this lust for power, authority, and enormous wealth such a regular occurrence past and present with our American political officials? How do they keep getting appointed or voted into office? What is the psychology behind these public figures, and equally as much, with is the psychology behind their constituents and supporters that make them their elected governing officials?

*Sigmund Freud’s model of the human psyche* – *Image from The Living Philosophy, Oct. 2021*

The father of psychology Sigmund Freud, theorized in his 1915 paper that the human psyche had three distinct levels of consciousness, preconsciousness, and unconsciousness using a metaphorical diagram of an iceberg. I personally like Freud’s theory of the human psyche. In several ways I think there is much truth in its content and it is demonstrated every day and night by our human species, particularly in times of crisis. What exactly was Dr. Freud explaining to us?

Freud’s iceberg model was a metaphor for the structure or makeup of the human mind. Above the water was our awake, conscious mind of thoughts and perception that the general public around us witness. Everything below the waterline was the preconscious and unconscious, i.e. memory stored knowledge learned from life experiences and deeper below the waterline our instincts, fears, dark defiant inclinations, and selfish motives of the Me we usually hide from the general public. I believe this blueprint is a very true representation of all human psyches around the world; in all of us like it or not.

More precisely though the “Id” or ‘the It’ and the Ego and the Superego are all in conflict with each other for dominance and according to Freud are the driving forces of all human internal conflict with the bad, good, or neutrally egalitarian human decisions we make throughout our lifetimes.

The Id is the genetic, hormonal, and transgenerational part of the psyche we are born with. The Ego and Superego develop after and from the Id. In other words, the former is all formed from nature and genetics. The Ego and Superego are formed from our immediate family (parents, siblings, etc.), extended family, and our communal environment. There is no nurturing in the Id, but over time more and more nurturing is impacted upon the Ego and Superego. Below the waterline are all of our basic instincts, physiology, primal urges (libido) and impulses running wild inside our bodies, heads or perhaps sometimes manifested in actual behaviors. The Id is not organized or managed by logic and reasoning. According to Dr. Freud the Pleasure Principle rules the Id—it is energized by self-satisfaction and not by what society and others dictate. In my lifetime, I have found this principle, this Freudian theory to be mostly true.

The Superego can be thought of as the counter-balance to the Id and what we have individually learned throughout our own social life experiences. In short, the Id is the For Me, By Me, Of me, and the Superego is the bigger than me and my wants, or the ‘Of the People, By the People, For the People‘ manifestation. Within this third are two subparts: the full conscience and the Ego ideal. The conscience is the summation of what our culture, our parents, family, and community have taught to us and everyone what is right and what is wrong morally and ethically. When we do not live up to that standard or code, we feel shame and guilt, not only from society and family, but the Superego as well. The Ego ideal therefore would be the best internal version of one’s self that family, society and culture approves. And this approval has benefits: accomplishment, pride, and value to name just three.

The Superego also has the ability of forethought. It has the long-term in mind rather than the immediate primal urges and self-satisfaction. It is more altruistic in nature/role than self-gratifying and narcissistic, the angel on your shoulder so to speak, rather than the devil.

The Ego, according to Freud and in the proper German translation, is nothing more or less than the ‘I’ of your existence, the literal awake part of you. It has a very difficult role to play. It serves three domains, three masters. It must fairly manage the impulses of the ‘Id‘ and the Superego as well as reality or your societal/cultural world. This struggle is demonstrated daily by our individual actions 24/7, 365-days and nights a year. When your Superego and your Id are aligned and balanced with reality, then all seems to be happy, content, peaceful, and hopeful.

“There is nothing in the id that could be compared with negation… nothing in the id which corresponds to the idea of time”⁠
—Sigmund Freud

Whether one agrees wholly with Freud’s model, partly, or not at all in any way, I find much truth to his theory of all human psyches—it can be found one way or another in every single human being on the planet.

Applying Psychology and the Human Psyche to Our Nation

How our better self, the Ego as Freud puts it, manages the conflicts within us and without us between the Id and the Superego. It is of course the ultimate and never-ending debate of what’s best and what is not best in the timeline of human endeavors. I want to show how poorly, how dismally America is doing today on a psychological, societal, and political level both domestically (locally) and internationally.

Never before in the whole history of the United States has the wealth of one nation, in nearly two and half centuries, been so atmospheric, so high, so abundant among so few citizens than in the 21st-century United States. The USA is currently the 10th richest country in the world by GDP per capita constant prices. That might be a surprise to many, but when compared to 196 designated official nations, that is remarkably outstanding. That leaves in the dust all of our perceived “enemy” nations like China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran. But underneath this outer shell of glitz, bling, and power is a fragile, decaying illness inside. The biggest growing, cancerous tumors inside the U.S. are its economic model (hyper-capitalism) fed by mega-corporations, as well as its bribed, corrupt, scandalous government officials by those wealthiest individuals, their corporations, and their Super PACs. American history has shown adequately that it isn’t just one political party either. It is now the 21st-century millions, billions, and trillions that has infested our entire political and judicial systems. What and/or who is specifically responsible for this metastasized cancer inside the United States? Many well-educated, well-informed, secular Americans who know inside and out this country’s Charters of Freedom, as a whole, and their Core Founding Fathers who designed them will say two things or two people:

Citizens United and James Bopp in 2010, and…
Leonard Leo and Robert Schenck.

Pick your poison, any of those four in conjunction with each other and backed secretly, anonymously by a few extremely wealthy Super PACs and donors are the cancer, the power players that now rule or ruled this country straight to the ER. Let’s look at the consequences of these four entities since before 2010 and the Supreme Court’s eventual Landmark decisions of Citizens United vs FEC, followed by Dobbs vs Jackson Women’s Health Organization in 2022.

The Root of All Evil

It is the popular pop cliche that “Money is the root of all evil.” Yes, it probably is given how human behavior around it, with it, and using it too often leads to many sins and evil. But this cliche is actually a misquote and misinterpretation of 1 Timothy 6:10 which actually states:

“For the love of money is a root of all ^[a]sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” — NASB 1995

In this passage’s correct exegetical meaning the author(s) intends that the love of or affection for or obsession with money and/or power is a root, a pathway to all sorts of evil, corruption, scandal, bad moral judgement, and destruction of not only marriages, families, and careers, but also of one’s public image… but only temporarily in 21st-century America.

How many people, friends, family members, celebrities, sports stars do you know or can think of that clearly change in their behavior toward others (you?) and change their personality when enormous fortunes fall upon them? Think about it. Who can you list? Abnormal wealth, usually in large degrees, changes a person’s life sometimes for the better other times for the worst. Some can handle the change, others fail miserably.

Personally, I have almost always found in my experience, about 90% of the time, people, family, or friends who have come upon vast amounts of money and with it inevitable socioeconomic status, they definitely change. More often than not, the change is quite unhealthy for them and everyone around them. All of us see this in our lifetimes and learn about its corrupting nature throughout human history. We have learned about the Seven Deadly Sins, that too often distract us from a virtuous altruistic life of healthy inclusion. Of the seven deadly sins, the ones always associated with massive wealth are greed, gluttony, and implicitly, sloth. The many temptations, distractions from true life as Henry David Thoreau alludes in Walden: Or, Life in the Woods, and the slippery slopes of falling into the other four deadly sins are more often than not irresistible to most. This is why personally I am and always will be a Minimalist. As a result, I would never in a million years make a popular, quid pro quo American politician or lobbyist; not ever. I do not have the stomach for, much less the Machiavellian traits required today for either Washington D.C., or Austin, Texas, careers. As the saying goes, my soul or integrity are not for sale.

Does Money Equal Free Speech?

Beginning in 2008 a 501(c)(4) non-profit organization called Citizens United led initially by Floyd Brown and later David N. Bossie, both very Right Conservatives and well connected to extremely wealthy conservative donors and the corporate sector of campaign donors who all share the same ideology, won the Landmark Supreme Court Decision in January 2010 Citizens United vs FEC. With the legal assistance of Indiana attorney James Bopp, Jr., specializing in anti-abortion legislation, election laws, American campaign finance, and a staunch Republican activist, Citizens United, Brown, Bossie, Bopp, and several other extremely wealthy donors and organizations successfully pushed the argument of Money Equals Free Speech past the Supreme Court and into law. This SCOTUS decision would change the landscape of American politics, true democracy, campaign finance and donations entirely upside down for untold decades, possibly centuries given the new floodgates of enormous, ungodly amounts of money everywhere in our government and its elections. Worse still would be the start of the United Oligarchs of America where the wealthiest govern and control all aspects of American freedom and liberties.

And the numbers above have only skyrocketed since 2020 into stratospheric amounts to 2024. Since Nixon and Watergate lobbyist spending exploded to the Bush administrations from a $100-million dollar industry to a $2.5-billion dollar industry by 2009. It has only gotten gluttonous and hideously obese through 2024. Why now is our election process so vulnerable to the most heinous of corruption and bribery?

The arguments for and against money = free speech came down to basically two opposed positions: 1) the hiding and disguising (misleading) of unlimited amounts of campaign donations from the wealthiest donors, albeit individuals or corporations, or 2) the insane amounts of temptations that unlimited money favorably influences actual legislation for special interests groups, minority beliefs, and minority ideologies, and thus literally screw over the greater common American, whether they are in the majority or not. In other words, a few richest entities and individuals of our nation can dictate what sort of life the vast and ordinary Americans from coast to coast can have or not have despite their votes at the ballot boxes.

Fortunately, for the Living Evolving Constitutionalist of which I advocate, the poster boy for the deplorable corruptions, briberies, and deceit in our money-loaded repulsive elections was nurtured and manifested by Citizens United and James Bopp, Jr. Who is the caught, criminal poster boy? It is Jack Abramoff. Jack Abramoff has served two prison terms because he always wanted to circumvent the Law of Our Land. And there are many others that could be listed. But just in Abramoff’s investigation-scandal twenty-four (24) others were convicted of corruption or bribery directly nurtured by Citizens United, James Bopp, Jr. and two other key accomplices: Leonard Leo and Robert Schenk. I highly recommend that Rev. Schenk’s link be thoroughly read and comprehended! Why? Because Schenk later realized, far too late, that all the Christian Nationalism he had fought for and gone to jail for previously was a huge, huge regrettable mistake.

“When religion is placed at the service of a political party, it corrupts both. To claim that one political figure uniquely represents God’s will is a form of anti-Christian idolatry.” — Reverend Robert Schenk

Rev. Robert Schenk would be a second poster boy of what Citizens United and attorney James Bopp, Jr. have irreparably created—pure, unadulterated corruption and bribery at the highest levels of our federal government. Period, including our Supreme Court. No ifs, ands, or buts. Period. James B. Mintz founder of the Mintz Group, a research and financial investigation group and a former adjunct professor at Columbia University Journalism School, finds six components of how corrupt politicians and lobbyists launder the “gratuity gifts” that buy-off and bribe our federal officials. His example is Paul Manafort and his indictment as Trump’s 2016-17 campaign chairman:

And this sort of corrupt underhanded dealing and influence on elections happens all the time in various forms. What Citizens United and its champion, Bopp created was nothing short of legalized bribery of Washington D.C. In fact, this is a direct quote straight from James Bopp, Jr.’s mouth:

“I have found that being rich is always an advantage. It’s always an advantage to have money. You get a nicer house, a nicer car, you know, steak every night, whatever it is you are into, okay… and fine wine, and you can pay for speech if you want to. Okay? So there is always an advantage to have money and people with money will always have an advantage. Always.”

Boy howdy, if that isn’t rich, superior, snub-your-nose, white-man arrogance, then I have land on the Moon to sell you. That is the most undemocratic, uncouth, audacious hubris stuff to say to a nation, his nation founded upon the People, the ordinary, hard working People of America who are not the upper 10% or 15% of the most wealthy in the nation. They are average Americans who absolutely have a voice, as equally as anyone else has a voice Of the People, By the People, and For the People whether they are filthy rich or not! Man, James Bopp, Jr. chaps my ass royally with that level of blatant pomposity! And readers, he is the reason Citizens United succeeded in 2010 and directly corrupted this supposedly fair democratic republic nation. No debate whatsoever; he and the ramrodded Supreme Court Justice appointments by the last six (6) Republican administrations going back to Richard Nixon to deliberately ideologically fix our highest court in the land.

Though there are many Jack Abramoffs to list as incapable of resisting corruption, deceit, and bribes in our nation’s capitol due directly to Citizens United, James Bopp, and several other big money players, Abramoff is one of the few who was caught and who could never learn his lesson even after two lengthy prison sentences. What does that say about unlimited money flooding into our politics and government the last 15-20 years? How many excuses will be made to keep unlimited big money inside our elections and government?

Before moving on I want to address the heavy power and influence “campaign finance” via Citizens United now has inside Washington D.C. with Leonard Leo, the puppeteer, and come back to Robert Schenk’s part in it as the puppet.

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Who is Leonard Leo the man? What has shaped his life and character? Well, describing Leonard Anthony Leo is not at all difficult. Why? Because he has single handedly reshaped our nation’s Supreme Court. The highest of all courts in our country. That’s right, one man, not several presidents, not the People of the United States—that is to say, not ALL the People—but one single man created the line of dominos then tipped the first one forward and the domino effect is still happening today.

*Federalist Society co-chairman and former Executive Vice President Leonard Leo speaks to media at Trump Tower in New York, Nov. 16, 2016. Carolyn Kaster/AP*

Leo’s biggest accolade to date was his engineering of the Republican supermajority of our current Supreme Court Justices via his Federalist Society and several/many players and donors. Soon after SCOTUS followed HIS personal agenda and rolled back a woman’s right to an abortion, especially in critical or emergency situations. Does Leo’s version of Catholicism represent all the People of the United States? Is this a true republic when fringe minorities rule the land? He thinks it does. Leonard Leo, let me remind you of two Scriptural passages:

“Therefore ^[a]whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. ³ For rulers are not a cause of fear for ^[b] good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; ⁴for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil.”
— Romans 13: 2-7 (NASB 1995)

“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, ¹⁴or to governors as sent ^[a] by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right.”
— 1 Peter 2:13-14 (NASB 1995)

On the contrary though, Holy Scripture does not always apply to the whole, but only to the individual interpretation or belief of that Scripture’s exegesis (Opus Dei). Often one person or one tiny group believes their ideology applies to the world, not just themselves. This was and still is Leonard Leo.

Personally, Leo has been deeply shaped by his radical religious faith of ultra-conservative Catholicism, and the death of his daughter by complications of her spinal bifida at 14-years old. Yet, somehow (and who knows) that tragedy caused him to attack abortion rights for American women and to go relentlessly after the Roe v Wade’s repeal. It was purely a personal vendetta on our country and he succeeded with the aid of the Federalist Society… very sadly though at the expense of a much higher mortality rate for American pregnant women and their unborn or infants in 14 states with new abortion bans, including one of the highest ones, my native state of Texas. That is horribly and grossly disproportionate for one 14-year old girl named Margaret Leo, his daughter, for all the deaths due to inaccessible emergency medical care. Really? One girl for 100’s and 1,000’s of other women and infants? WTF Leonard! But I assure you 100% that Leo would say something like, ‘That’s God’s domain and only His domain, not man’s.’ I’ve heard that over and over and over ad infinitum from religious fanatics. In the end, Leonard Leo received in particular a $1.6-BILLION dollar donation that he used for slush funds to buy off near hundreds of activist leaders, including one that violently marched upon our Capitol building on January 6, 2021, in an insurrection on our federal government killing several people and Capitol Police sworn to defend the very institution Leo, Trump, his Federalist Society, and his crony politicians were attacking!

However, when so many powerful, well-connected, wealthy men in Washington D.C. serve only themselves, they will turn on you in a heart beat. Has Leo learned this painful lesson of who he serves or uses as a puppet? From Politico.com, May 2025:

Trump goes after Leonard Leo and the Federalist Society in fury over court ruling

“The president, in a post on his social media platform, slammed Leonard Leo, the former chair of the Federalist Society, calling him a “sleazebag” who “probably hates America.”

[…]

Trump’s attack came after the U.S. Court of International Trade on Wednesday struck down his tariffs, a massive blow to the primary pillar of the administration’s economic agenda. The ruling was temporarily stayed by an appellate court on Thursday. One of the judges on the three-person panel that blocked the tariffs is Timothy Reif, who was appointed by Trump in his first term.

The blame, Trump said, lay with the Federalist Society.

“I am so disappointed in The Federalist Society because of the bad advice they gave me on numerous Judicial Nominations,” he wrote. “This is something that cannot be forgotten!”

[…]

And at a time when much of Trump’s agenda is facing tests at the Supreme Court, Trump’s vitriolic attack on Leo has the potential to further distance the president from the court’s conservative justices. All three of Trump’s high court nominees, as well as Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito, are known to be close to Leo.”

What lessons has Leonard Leo and his closest associates really learned from their Supreme Leader in the White House? Dealing with fringe special interests and greedy megalomaniacs has a risky, high cost. When the proverbial feces hits the fan, historically it has always been “every man for himself; everyone will go down with me” mentality.

Robert Schenk was one of Leonard Leo’s, James Bopp’s, and David Bossie’s puppets from the Evangelical activist circles to help galvanize the nation’s Conservative Right behind Citizens United, ironically very much a minority group in our country. As many corrupt lobbyists and D.C. politicians say, “Money talks, bullshit walks,” even when you are a fringe minority money dictates the minority’s ideology upon the majority, as attorney James Bopp, Jr. boasts above in his direct quote of ‘being rich.’ Today, Rev. Robert Schenk has done a complete 180-degree turnaround on his beliefs; listen/watch closely:

Rev. Robert Schenck, one of the first to abandon the Far Right Conservative’s extremist movement on Pro-life abortion laws (Roe v Wade) after years of being a radical activist in that same movement.

Bottom-line? Easy, there is just a corrosive, obese amount of buy-off money (bribery) everywhere in Washington D.C. and Citizens United, James Bopp, Jr., Leonard Leo and their created culture in the money schemes/scams are simply too predominate in our modern politics. Period, full stop. And unless Citizens United v FEC is overturned, repealed… it will never stop; it will only get worse every year, two years, and four years until American democracy completely collapses precisely like the Roman Empire in the 4th- and 5th-centuries CE. Guaranteed.

#1 – Former Illinois Governor (D) Rod Blagojevich

Though indicted and sentenced, former Democratic Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was just two years prior to the SCOTUS Landmark decision of Citizens United vs FEC, he is still one of the best known victims, or rather criminal felons who got caught, who fell victim(?) in the 21st-century to ungodly, obese amounts of money in U.S. state or federal politics and legislation thanks to the lead-up of Citizens United.

Every day across the United States, in every single state, our political system is bankrolled by an onslaught of armies of wealthy fund raisers and their associate donors throwing in millions and millions of campaign dollars to their own special interests and puppet candidates. When those super wealthy donors front $50k, $200k, or $1-million dollars, they demand favors, paybacks, or kickbacks.

And no thanks to Citizens United in 2010, Brown and Bossie, attorney James Bopp, Jr. Leonard Leo, and our Republican supermajority Supreme Court, a wink and a nod that borders ever so thinly on bribery, U.S. politics has been and is as corrupt as it ever has been. Before it was cool to be filthy corrupt, soliciting bribes, wire fraud, and attempting extortion prior to 2010, Rod Blagojevich was the poster boy forerunner and first major consequence of too much money in state-federal politics.

#2 – Borges, Householder, Clark, Cespedes, Longstreth, & FirstEnergy Corp.

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#3 – Clarence Thomas and Brett Cavanaugh

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Temporary note — I am trying to finish this post while dealing with my Mom’s soon and eventual death from severe dementia/Early Alzheimer’s and other medical complications. I am handling a LOT at the moment. Please bear with me and thank you so much for your patience and understanding.

To be continued…

Live Well – Love Much – Laugh Often – Learn Always

Cheating: More Fashionable & Popular!

Posted on December 27, 2018 by Professor Taboo

Yes, the results of the “anonymous” polls and the historical court records are in, cheating on your spouse (sometimes called “irreconcilable differences”) is today more popular, perhaps run-of-the-mill and even expected, more than ever in our societal facade of til death do you part! Why? Why in the early, middle, or latter years of a long-term commitment do two people wonder away from each other emotionally, mentally, and/or sexually from lifetime vows, promises, and contracts? How many acclaimed cinema films tell the truth about love, dying love, love rediscovered, or mistaken naïve love despite the noble vows, promises, and contracts?

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A May 2016 New York Magazine article says women now “cheat” or have extramarital relations as much as men always have throughout cultural history with their mistresses, concubines, courtesans, and harems, but fortunately with much fewer severe consequences.

It is, perhaps, another milestone in the march to equality. Women and men are now taking an equal-opportunity approach to extramarital hanky-panky. A report out of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found that, for the first time in modern history, women are cheating at nearly the same rate as men. Another study, published in the National Opinion Research Center’s 2013 General Social Survey, found that while the percentage of men who admitted to infidelity has held constant over the last two decades, the percentage of wives who reported having affairs rose almost 40 percent.

[…]

Another recent study found that some women are genetically predisposed to “extra pair bonding,” euphemistically speaking. Men don’t have this gene.

But the prevailing theory is that modern marriage is what’s killing marriage — that the more deliberation women put into whom they pair up with, the more willing and motivated they are to make a move when something’s not working.

[…]

Women now are more aware of the alternatives to monogamy and more inclined to demand to have all their needs met. That’s because happiness is such an important part of marriage. Fewer women are marrying out of need; instead, they’re marrying to please themselves. But that also means when they’re dissatisfied with something they feel justified to go elsewhere.”

I would argue quite earnestly on the validity of one claim the article made. It says “The crazy part, [Rebecca] elaborates, is not the apparent epidemic of adultery, but that it’s the women who seem to be fueling it.” I disagree. As the popular and truthful cliché goes it takes two to tango — that is, consensual tango. Thriving and loving lifetime marriages are a 50/50 responsibility as well as a 50/50 risk or reward, no more, no less… always. Is that not the correct definition of full and true equality? And using the description “epidemic of adultery” is unnecessarily harsh when an action/behavior is a choice, not a contagious virus which is not chosen. Last I checked, adultery is a human choice.

What is wrong with having dreams and hopes in life? Isn’t it inherently and socially accepted, even encouraged, for a man or woman to “have it all” in a lifetime monogamous marriage? The article later reads:

Lauren, 41, admits she wanted it all: “the best friend, the domestic partner, the professional equal, the lover,” she says. She had two out of four when, some eight years and one baby into her marriage, she began sleeping with a co-worker — a guy who was more her professional equal than her low-earning husband, who’d largely given up on his career. “A healthy attraction to a person does demand you have a little bit of intrigue and imbalance, which in male-female-empowered relationships is not a priority,” she says. “Wanting some hetero-normalcy isn’t something people want to talk about, not in that bougie Brooklyn world I live in. A lot of women I know stick with it and suffer through it even as they have that fantasy of being with someone who is their equal, or even their superior.” — New York Magazine article

The journalist Alyssa Giacobbe reports the very real and justified anger of a husband who has been deceived and cheated-on sharing two examples of his public shaming of the unfaithful wife. But once again, if one is expected to impeccably honor their words, vows, promises, and contracts, then it applies equally to both husband and wife. Yet, examining our human social, patriarchal history doesn’t quite bear that ideal, does it? What I found very comically intriguing in Giacobbe’s report was what Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex and relationship psychotherapist, had found in his decades of practice:

When the woman strays, there’s anger, yes, but there’s also much more interest from the [husband] than there ever was to collaborate and talk and work it out, [while the wife has been having an affair with] some douche bag down the street. — New York Magazine article

The husband erroneously thinks it is a phase she is currently going through and will pass like a common cold. Many men rarely ask, Might it have something partially to do with me, or a LOT to do with me!? What a novel question! But to be fair, a novel question for either spouse. And why does it take something so painfully dishonorable or negligent by both spouses, and so late in the infection, if you will, in order for a sudden inspiration “to work it out” and improve, to be a better husband or wife? Why the delay?

Most or perhaps many of the stories of marital struggles and/or infidelity are quite familiar to you the readers I’m sure, and among your social or job circles, possibly within your own family or your own past relationships or marriages. Cheating is honestly not uncommon (to utilize a juxtaposition here 🤭) despite those appearing as “civil” marriages that underneath are hush-hush and closeted. It is however, unsurprisingly, a long distorted and ‘mystified’ result frequently manifested by limiting, proprietary, phobic or paranoid protective (hyper-jealousy), verbally silent, and repressive structures in those marriages. Furthermore, one should never presume that one’s own marriage or long-termed relationship is forever immune to such changes, possibly major surprises and challenges, when humans and circumstances are constantly fluid, moving and changing. I purposely emphasize this to my own heterosexual gender fooled into thinking that a socio-religious contract is unbreakable or unsinkable! Many old and ancient marriages — including those of our grandparents, great grandparents, etc. — simply remained intact due to the potential hardships the woman faced having to survive solo as a divorcee, even harder if publicly labelled an adulterer. Not so for the man.

With all of the above said, known, or unknown — intentional distortions, deceptions and mystifying of cheating — is there more to it, something mainstream traditional society has not considered, or is too afraid to seriously consider for far too long? I think so.

I suggest that the old, antiquated, mainstream construct of marriage, in particular monogamous marriage, was never ideal or realistic in the first place. Traditions that fail to evolve and adapt eventually die-out. Therefore, there are a number of reasons (supported by continued, advancing sciences) for our apparent(?) rise of marital cheating. I will list just five important reasons and the last two are critical to understand, possibly requiring our acceptance and embrace if you are a strong advocate for total marital monogamy. If so, if you believe lifetime monogamy is the best or only marital setup, then put on your thickest battle armor and prepare for years of relentless, 24/7, 365 days of acute alertness, attentiveness… never letting your guard down. Warning! Keeping a lifetime monogamous marriage/relationship in tact, much less thriving, is and will be a visible and sometimes invisible struggle upstream against natural (rarely against immoral or evil) forces everywhere. And even if you foolishly believe you have been victorious, sometimes your “enemy” is in and has been in your encampment for a long time and you did not notice. Faulty intelligence is ever-present, anywhere at anytime. That is simply human nature.

Nevertheless, for those who believe in Walt Disney-style eternal love and romance with one person their entire lifetime, it can be done. I have 3-4 different married aunts and uncles who have done it for 50-60+ years. They all have one thing in common: societal remoteness. In other words, they are quite recluse when it comes to daily social engagement; it’s very infrequent. Think about that.

To the five contributing factors of marital cheating. The first three reasons are summarized from Dr. Susan Whitbourne’s excellent report on PsychologyToday.com. The fourth reason is summarized from Ker Than and LiveScience.com. And the fifth and final reason below is from yours truly. I feel it is an overlooked or badly ignored factor in an already maligned, faulty, antiquated marital construct. Hence, I list it last.

Emotional Dissatisfaction
These spouses are seeking emotional intimacy and understanding they feel they are not experiencing in their primary relationship or marriage. Feeling appreciated and valued on a regular basis is an integral component in marriage if it is to last lifetimes. The precise details of this dissatisfaction can and do change over time for various reasons. The priorities of partners/spouses change and fluctuate over time, for example, when children enter the picture. Or a residential move or job-relocation occurs. How attentive we are to those fluid changes and what actions we take (or not take), verbally and non-verbally, will also dictate or influence future solutions and/or behaviors.

Sexual Dissatisfaction
This is the most common reason cited by clinical-counseling studies. I find this very interesting for two reasons. One, I discuss below in Mammalian/Primate Biology; it’s a natural biological force in 97.9% of humans, for a segment of humans it is a raging force relative to their sexual organs and hormonal makeup, starting as an embryo and genetically from their parent’s families and ancestors. Let me say this though.

Humans want to improve and/or explore their natural sexual desires. Medically, this does not generally decrease until a person’s late 40’s or 50’s, later if they lead a healthy lifestyle. Furthermore, participants in these studies cited desires to experience additional sexual encounters with non-partners or outside of their spouse. This number is typically and predictably low due to societal pressure of it being unacceptable, historically of women, as if a marriage was NOT 50/50, but 30/70 or 20/80… where the woman either was expected to have the lowest desire for good/great sex or the higher expectation of responsibility of always pleasing the husband! HAH! Yeah, riddle me that one.

Dying Love and/or Redefined Love
This is a lower cited reason in clinical-counseling studies probably because love is difficult for many people to unanimously define. Today, it is indeed more complex socially (vs. biologically) than it was 100, 500, or 1,000 years ago. Overall, the studies suggest that deeper emotional and sexual intimacy are more compelling reasons for extramarital behaviors. They both can be simultaneous expectations or demands too, not necessarily one or the other. And falling in love with someone new is not often cited as the driving force for infidelity. This might be because keeping an affair secret often requires a sometimes exhausting amount of preparation, forethought, juggling of schedules, physical, mental, and emotional energy, and the careful explanations (disinformation, deception) for activities “without” the spouse and/or kids involved. When a cheater’s secret lover usually only comprises maybe 5% to 20% (give or take) of the cheater’s realistic available time in a day or week (factor in children), there is little to no time for deeper definitions of love to develop. Not in a reasonable, sane(?), stable fashion.

I want to quote one of the paragraphs in the PsychologyToday.com article and invite commentary on its validity:

The findings also show that a substantial group of people who engage in extramarital affairs are pretty good at shifting the responsibility away from themselves. Many claimed that the decision to enter into the affair was a mutual one, that their affairs were justified, and that they felt no guilt.

My contention with these spouses claiming the decision to enter into the affair was mutual, I would immediately rephrase by adding and asking “Was it a verbalized mutually understood decision!?” In other words, penetration was consented to? What type of penetration? What about fellatio or cunnilingus? And often the real biggie, what about emotional attachment or love? Allowed? Disallowed?

Why should these liberties or boundaries not be openly discussed, negotiated at anytime in a healthy marriage? Better still, BEFORE the wedding day! More on this later in my last reason for cheating while married. And when should guilt and remorse be genuinely felt and expressed by the cheater, or should it at all? Is this the popular PR counter-move of turning oneself from a villain into a victim while portraying the true victim into a villain. We see this save-face tactic too often in politics by officials in power positions or celebrities in the public eye. The tactic does have its successes, though warped as they are. Take Tiger Woods or President Trump as two prime examples. Both are ~~blindly~~ adored by their fan-base despite their adulterous habits.

In the end, should any of these conditions, reasons, or results be the standard, the higher road? I don’t think so. I think it all stinks, or they set themselves up for future repugnance of the most vilest stench, if I can be frank!

Mammalian/Primate Biology
We humans, us Homo sapiens, are unequivocally lifetime members of the aquatic and terrestrial animal kingdom on Earth. We all share the same origins, period. DNA sequencing has put to bed any slight, wild doubts, misconceptions, or ill-founded blatant denial that this is not true. Much can be learned about ourselves by studying and thoroughly understanding animal mating behaviors. Let me begin this section by quoting a portion of Ker Than’s article from LiveScience.com:

Of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals*, only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong pair bonds. This select group includes beavers, otters, wolves, some bats and foxes and a few hoofed animals.

And even the creatures that do pair and mate for life occasionally have flings on the side and some, like the wolf, waste little time finding a new mate if their old one dies or can no longer sexually perform.

Staying faithful can be a struggle for most animals. For one, males are hardwired to spread their genes and females try to seek the best dad for their young. Also, monogamy is costly because it requires an individual to place their entire reproductive investment on the fitness of their mate. Putting all their eggs in one basket means there’s a lot of pressure on each animal to pick the perfect mate, which, as humans knows, can be tricky. [1]

Our closest relatives, or cousins you might say, are the bonobos and common chimps of the Hominidae family of which we also belong from 4.5 – 5.5 million years ago (click here). We share 99.6% of their DNA. I likely do not need to go into the mating and social behaviors of the Bonobo chimpanzees; it is well-known. Read this article if you are unfamiliar with their distinguished behavior and social structure.

As it turns out, the neurotransmitter chemical dopamine is heavily linked to sexual and emotional love. But news flash, it isn’t that simple. Dopamine does not distinguish between monogamy or non-monogamy as some biased experts may claim. In the animal kingdom as well as with humans, individual, familial, diet, exercise, and the social dynamics surrounding those components play a significant part in levels of dopamine production just as much as sexual and/or emotional situations do. According to Healthline.com, there are 10 natural methods of increasing healthy levels of dopamine. No surprise, of those 10 ways, frequent exercise is one. Now, how many various ways can we humans regularly, erotically exercise? Exactly. By the way, emotional exercising is a part of exerting ourselves physically and/or mentally. Hence, how many different ways can we exert and challenge ourselves and our partner/spouse, or significant other(s), mentally and emotionally? I can name a minimum of five ways! Not all discomfort or nervousness is bad or life threatening in moderate, short-term amounts.

Like many different animals in their natural habitats and social environs, we humans also require regular mental, emotional, and physical stimulation in order to live, thrive, grow in strength, i.e. 3-part strength, and pass on the best possible genes and lifestyle to our descendants. That said, why then are cheaters labelled with or risk such distressing, troubling, negative feelings and connotations after engaging in extramarital affairs? Again, it is not so simple.

Poor, Ambiguous, or Impeded Unreserved Communication
These marital situations are not simple primarily because of one initial reason: communication. Communication between cheating partners or spouses typically has not been open, voluntary, articulated well or accurately to reflect behavior, honest in other words, and therefore not well understood or erroneously understood by the listening, inquisitive, attentive partner/spouse. These ideal, lofty components of a happy, thriving, intimate relationship or marriage are an essential foundation for a long-term commitment to one person, much less a lifetime commitment. Why?

Because everything about humans change, evolve over time and the circumstances around them, e.g. family, careers, finances, ups, downs, health, births, deaths, and a plethora of societal and regional variables are constantly in play, whether weekly, monthly, annually, or longer. The only setup where these variables and components have little effects on a relationship or marriage is if the couple are consistently recluse, or lacking in those aforementioned healthy emotional, mental, and physical exercises. In those recluse cases, the “changes,” the “fitness” tends to be slower (non-existent?) due to much less diverse stimulation and exertion. You don’t know what you don’t actually experience or push yourself to achieve. You are unable to honestly say you have it best if you haven’t tasted the joys or pains of many bests and disasters. Many!

Therefore, everyone should always ask themselves, monitor attentively, maintain attentively their committed relationship, by gauging its health and asking… how freely, how proactively, how accurately, honestly with no reservations or shame or fear of shame do we both vulnerably express ourselves to each other? How often does this intense, safe level of intimate communication/expression occur between us? If your answer is not at all, or not so much, or could be better, or all of these above case studies of cheating spouses and victims admitted the same, examined the same, then the likely conclusion is that they, yourself, and your partner/spouse have poor, ambiguous, or reserved, impeded (greatly impeded?) communication with each other.

That silent, distorted, secret or fearful relational environment becomes a nitroglycerin catalyst for much bigger problems and less time to redirect or solve if allowed to fester. In today’s mainstream, traditional, moderate relationships/marriages dishonorable cheating apparently then becomes one of the most common (easier, quicker?) reactions or results of poor, ambiguous, or impeded unreserved communication. The quick fix that doesn’t really fix at all.

What do all of you think? Why has “cheating” become more popular, more accepted, fashionable? Is there an easy or easier preventative measure to be implemented? Let me know in the comments.

[1] – The Ker Than LiveScience.com article is now a bit out-of-date as of 2025. The latest figure of known mammals is more than 6,736 species according to the World Animal Foundation. Thank you to Davin Trent of that organization for this update.

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Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Doctor, What Do I Have?

Posted on September 24, 2014 by Professor Taboo

As part of the Alternative Lifestyles blog-posts migration over to the new blog The Professor’s Lifestyles Memoirs, this post has been moved there. To read this post please click the link to the blog.

Your patience is appreciated. Thank you!

When Good Principles Are Bad

Posted on May 31, 2012 by Professor Taboo

In April 2011 I wrote about how exclusiveness kills healthy friendships in the name of monogamy: The Curious Perplexity of Attachment. Curious how history repeats itself. This past weekend a very dear female college friend and I talked on the phone, updating each other on the past year since we spoke last. Allow me to give some background.

Both of us make each other laugh a lot, always have. During our rough times — each going through very difficult divorces — we were there for each other speaking brutally honest about anything, often saying things that the listener didn’t want to hear. Over the past five to seven years of our close friendship, we had always confessed “what if”…how greater the closeness could be if we were dating. Fun natural flirting came easy between us. But the 400+ miles and each of our separate families and kids kept us apart. The last time I had spoken with her she was madly in love with a new man. Fast forward to this weekend. Now that man was way out, even psychotic in her words, and now she has a new “keeper”.

What is so important or different about all this you ask? It is this: when I spoke honestly with her and flirted like we have always done over our 29-year friendship, strangely she did not respond. In fact, it seemed awkwardly BLAND. I thought to myself something is weird, out of balance, or something. When is she going to explain this?

If you have read my April 2011 blog The Curious Perplexity of Attachment, then you will know that the women to whom I was referring are past girlfriends, i.e. intimate relationships over multiple consecutive months. This good college friend of 29 years has always been a platonic friendship; never any sexual moments, not even any temptations except over the phone, long distance when her divorce had been filed by her husband. She was in a lot of disillusioned pain, struggling with 17 years of a dying marriage which sadly involved their four children. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was intentionally pitting the children against her. Innocent bystanders of a man’s anger.

There are several significant factors involved in the demise of her marriage but suffice to say for this article, infidelity was the root cause of the divorce. However, getting engrossed in the ugly mismanaged details of their marriage and divorce is not the purpose of my article today. Honestly, what happened between my dear friend and her husband or its complexities is ultimately none of my business or anyone else’s business. What is my business is how her “new” relationship with Mr. Keeper has now affected our 29-year friendship.

After our phone conversation my dear friend explained why she was not being her old, or usual self with me and our fun flirting. “As much as I love you” she explained, “…I feel loyal to [Mr. Keeper]. I never want to EVER cross the line again. You were playing like we always do (which made me smile), but I want to honor him and not flirt with anyone.” I must be honest, I was bothered by this explanation.

She and I have always, always been ourselves with each other. We have always been very comfortable in sharing all of our unedited, undiluted thoughts and feelings with each other. We could do so because we passed no judgement whatsoever on each other. Our 29-year close friendship is genuinely a wonderful healthy friendship. Why on earth should that ever change? An easy question to answer, right? No, it seems I am incorrect…again. Why?

When are good principles bad? What do monogamous boundaries really protect? When does a 2-month dating relationship have any more value than a 29-year platonic friendship? I am honestly not a wild-cannon that fires off randomly around new spouses or boyfriends with no impulse control. On the contrary, I am quite respectful of other’s relationships or marriages. I really struggle with this ‘pinch-off’ decision from my female friends when a new lover comes around for them! I hope one of my good female married and polyamorous friends (O.M. Grey) comments on this topic. From a woman’s perspective, she is a wealth of wisdom and experience on this subject.

I would very much like to hear anyone’s thoughts and comments about this because it happens way too often. Please tell me what your thoughts are.