Setting Love Totally Free

This time I am changing tact from popular topics, debates, and polarizing controversy of COVID-19 and our disuniting federal-state politics and lack of leadership during these unprecedented times in the U.S. to talk about something much more personal. In my opinion, it is critically important because it has to do with advanced(?) or semi-advanced, progressive society’s most integral part of long-term strength and stability. What is it?

I am talking about true liberating, non-judgmental, euphoric, Soul Mate/Twin Flame love. The intense, rare kind of deep passionate love that few people experience in their lifetime and even fewer recognize or have the courage to seek, find, and gleefully embrace. I am also posting this over on my Private blog The Professor’s Lifestyles Memoirs. I think this is worth posting on both sites.

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I have two good long-time friends in the Alt-Open-Swinger Lifestyles, Jackie and John Melfi. They own and run all the Colette Lifestyles clubs in Dallas, New Orleans, Houston, and their newest in Austin, TX. They are fantastic role-models for the Open Lifestyle and both Jackie and John are a wealth of wisdom, experience, and tips/help for anyone or any couples interested in taking their marriage/romance to a much, much deeper fulfilling level together.

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Jackie reposted recently a blog-post she wrote in February 2016 called Setting Love Free in an Open Relationship. In her post she offers invaluable perspective and understanding that applies not only to Open-couples, but everyone else equally important in whatever the love-arrangement together. She begins:

One of the most frequent questions I get about being in an open/swinger relationship has to do with love.

“If you play apart aren’t you afraid your partner might fall in love with someone else?”

“What if someone else falls in love with your partner?”

Well, I have the perfect story to relate my response.

That is probably most every spouse’s or partner’s biggest FEAR if they allow or don’t stop the (perceived) predatory behavior on their Significant-Other by those interested. However, those perceived fears are often unjustified. Jackie continues:

Recently John had to travel out of town on business. He was traveling back to a city where he used to live, so he had several friends in the area. We discussed before he even left town about any opportunities he would have to meet up with any of his old girl friends.

There were a couple of women he said he would be interested in seeing while he was in town. I had met both of these women in the past, so I was familiar with who they were. I like both of these women. They seem to be very sweet and kind women. I encouraged John to yes, by all means, make contact with them, even if it is just for dinner.

Why didn’t this bother me?

Because I trust John.

Alright, but HOW exactly is that trust built, earned, thoroughly known and appreciated once gained between two Lovers? Is it all done only by your partner/spouse? Do you expect them to do all of the work? Or are you yourself equally a part of that trust-achievement?

Everything about his behavior towards me shows his trustworthiness. He calls when he says he will. He discusses with me beforehand about possibilities he may have or want to have with others, and his actions show his love and devotion to me and our relationship. I saw no reason to believe this situation would be any different.

So John left for his trip. It wasn’t long before I received a text from him saying he would be joining a female friend of his later in the evening. She had always been a dear friend of John’s and needed some advice.

What I love about this story is my husband gets to put his strengths (his ability to give sound advice) to others without me being afraid. How much the world would miss if I tried to keep him all to myself.

Jackie says Everything about his behavior towards me shows his trustworthiness. He calls when he says he will. He keeps his word, he is reliable and just doesn’t feed her with regular empty lip-service. In other words, John walks his talk. What he says matches what he does, time in and time out for 5, 10, 20, 50-years. This is a very rare honorable trait in John! Believe me.

I have known many married couples, where both the husband and the wife sometimes or often confide in me. It seems to be the cost of meaningful friendship. Other times the wife seeks me out, alone, wanting to keep a secret platonic(?) friendship. Then sooner or later she will even go so far as to initiate a full-blown affair with me if she trusts that I will not wreck her marriage, wreck her home with kids, and her public image. The trade-off? I must be invisible to the world and her world. Whether it’s a good thing or bad, I cannot tell you, my readers, how many times over the last 15-20 years I have been duped into this very awkward predicament. I’ve lost count. I kid you not.

Just this last week I had a couple I have known for years, first the wife as a long-distant close friend, then her husband too, who I pushed and pushed her to please involve her husband in everything we discussed and everything she wanted to do with me in person —wide open, all the time. Nothing hidden from him. But she refused.

Just last week they “celebrated” their 20-year marriage anniversary and she publicly stated (I’m paraphrasing only a tiny bit):

Sooo much has happened these twenty-years… so many memorable, remarkable, special-times and experiences, and just as many difficult bumps in our road together. Marriage ain’t for the faint-hearted!! LOL I love this man, and he is my best friend. He’s an incredible Dad, protector, repairman, and bozo.

This same woman has carried on a 3-year affair with another man her husband never knew about, still doesn’t know about, and has carried on two separate long-distant phone-sex affairs for several years with two old ex-boyfriends (one of them married with children) and her husband doesn’t know about them either. He also doesn’t know about a one-day stand this past March in a hotel room with a fourth man.

Is it right to hide anything from your spouse? Is it right or healthy to keep secrets from your 20-year spouse several sexual-romantic affairs from him or her under false pretenses? More importantly, is that REALLY a testimony of “true love” to your own children, much less the world? Of course not!

When I read her above public statement to family, friends, and the world… I honestly could not stop laughing in disappointment, deep disappointment. Reading her husband’s beautiful tribute to her and pride in their “marriage” caused me to then get nauseated with pity for him/them, because he has no real clue whatsoever who his wife of 20-22 years is truly. It broke my heart to read their public proclamations, especially for their children who believe (falsely) their parents are perfectly and happily married even after many difficult bumps in our road together. Sadly, this woman, a former friend, doesn’t really know what brutal honesty is, the kind Paolo Coelho bluntly describes:

Paolo Coelho quote

Or make them believe in false-realities. I finally had to break-off, breakaway from her and our risky, precarious, dishonest friendship. It hurts what she became because there was so much hope for her as well as her husband to get hardcore real with each other. But in the end she was a scared, confused woman struggling with being true to herself. Consequently, she was becoming a prude, more and more untrustworthy drowning in her fear, denial, and endless excuses no matter what I tried to warn her about. It was just no longer worth it, especially when over the last 6-10 months she would fire nasty, self-absorbed exceptions/barbs and retaliations at me over ridiculous, trivial, insignificant, knit-picky things about me… like Jackie Melfi is describing here in her exceptional Feb. 2016 blog-post. Let me continue with her wisdom:

What I love about this story is my husband gets to put his strengths (his ability to give sound advice) to others without me being afraid. How much the world would miss if I tried to keep him all to myself.

As I laid in my bed at home reading, John was hundreds of miles away with a woman in his hotel room. He called me several hours later to tell me the evening went well. They spent those hours talking. In that moment I loved my husband with just a little more gusto.

I was so proud of him, not because he hadn’t had sex with her, but because he is so loving. Loving enough to share with others what he has learned in life. I allowed myself to be filled with gratitude for this amazing man. A man, who not only loves me, but strives to be loving to everyone. I love him even more because of this.

Jackie is so incredibly lucky to have John, and equally as well, John is so very lucky to have Jackie. What a rare, almost unheard of healthy, thriving marriage and complete trust they share together! They are one of my top heroes of couples I know and deeply respect.

But the story doesn’t end here. The very next evening, John had another opportunity to visit with a female friend. This visit was different. It was the same in the sense that I knew it was going to take place. John told me she had asked him to dinner and that he wasn’t sure how the evening would end. It was different in what happened.

John arrives at her home. She has prepared a scrumptious home cooked meal for them to share. To make a long story short, they ended up having sex. While they were having sex, she told John she still loved and cared about him.

Okay, so this is the dreaded scenario most people fear and will attempt to control from happening with their partner. Like I said earlier, it’s that fear of, “but what if your partner or the person they are playing with, fall in love?”

What if they do?

A symbolic menagerie of deep, exhaustive, liberating love:

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This is where the true, brutally honest definition of Compersion is demonstrated in our Open Lifestyle! Personally, I liken compersion to feeling the same level of joy I’d experience with my own two kids when they experienced unbelievable euphoria in another or in an event they are immersed inside. Jackie’s response and attitude to her husband afterwards is quite stoic and admirable, if I may say so myself. Bravo Jackie, bravo! I wish more husbands and wives strove HARD to get out of themselves and develop/nurture this same positive, appreciative, truly exhaustive love that Jackie and John share and model. Her conclusion is remarkably mature. Read it closely.

This is what I thought about this woman loving my husband. First, I was touched and honored because she see’s the same great qualities in John that I do. It made me like her even more. I mean of course she would love him, what’s not to love?!

Besides, just because she loves him, doesn’t mean John’s and my love for each other diminishes in any way. This woman simply adds another layer to our life. What’s not to love about that?

Can you imagine the stress and anger and fear and jealousy the evening could have had, especially using the traditional viewpoint?

First of all, John wouldn’t have even been “allowed” to go over to her home to begin with. My adult husband would not have been “allowed.” Even typing this makes me shake my head. John definitely wouldn’t have been able to share how wonderful the meal was, because I might be threatened by her ability to cook and I would probably lose John over her culinary skills! Instead of being threatened I instead have 3 new amazing recipes to try!

John returned home from his trip in great spirits and was eager and excited to see me. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how grateful he is to have such an amazing relationship.

My point is, we don’t have control over who we end up having feelings for, regardless of whether or not we think we can control it. I am so glad that John and I don’t try to control it. We embrace the love we have for those we come in contact with and relish in the goodness of this love.

John and I became a couple so we could add to each others life, not take things away.

As Jackie writes about facing your misplaced fears, embracing our own vulnerabilities and your partner’s/spouse’s, and as I know and have known so very many fairy-tale, falsely-based marriages full of secret locked closets and rugs bulging up with many unwanted 500 lbs. gorillas and pink elephants (silence), this raw hardcore honest, vulnerable love DOES EXIST. There are many paths and justifications to never-ending marital doubts, suspicions, and minefields of unhappy marriage/prison… and then there is one or two truly liberating, fulfilling, sometimes arduous sometimes fiercely real, correct paths to finding and living inside love that is completely set free and encouraged to stay completely free as Jackie speaks about. Believe me, I know. I’ve watched and experienced both. There is no comparison.

Fear stifles, courage fulfills. “The prude is in fact the libertine, without the courage to face their naked soul.” — A.S. Neill.

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Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Swinging and the Single Male

John and Jackie Melfi are the owners of the popular Open-Swinger Clubs colette (Dallas & New Orleans) and the Blog-writers of Openlove101.com! Please go checkout their websites; whether you are curious about the lifestyle, you and your partner/spouse are looking to explore the many benefits of the lifestyle, or are regular veterans… there is always something great the Melfi’s have to offer; I promise!

I asked John and Jackie if they would be kind enough to write a Guest-post here for my blog not only on the subject of the Open-Swinger Lifestyle, BUT the significance or importance of the single male within the lifestyle. More importantly, I asked Jackie to speak some on the topic of single-man etiquette in our lifestyle, at the clubs, and/or at private Meets/Munches. This is what Jackie had to say. Many many thanks to you Jackie and John for your willingness to share and educate!

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By: Jackie Melfi

Can a single male successfully navigate his way through the swingers lifestyle? The answer is yes, but this success will weigh heavily upon whether or not he applies some simple yet effective guidelines.

Flirtatious young girls staring at handsome guyAs owners of some of the most successful swingers clubs in the United States, my husband and I have witnessed the victories and pitfalls single men encounter when entering the swinging community.  

It’s been my experience as well as others I’ve communicated with that some of the most basic protocol is overlooked by men who want to be part of this diverse and sex positive lifestyle. It’s also been my great pleasure to be surrounded by an equally genteel group of men who value not only themselves but others who partake in this rich and uniting way of life. What separates these two groups of men? I’ve compiled a top five list for both in the hopes of educating single males who regularly find themselves in the pitfall category as well as to reinforce the actions and behaviors that keep a percentage in the upper crust level.

pitfall-signPITFALLS

1) Touching without Permission: This for me is probably the biggest no-no I see committed by single men, and which I have personal experience with. My husband and I were travelling and stopped in a swingers club. We decided to check out the playrooms, and after selecting a quiet, private spot, we ventured onto the bed. The next thing I know, an arm was encroaching in on our moment and touching my leg. This intrusion instantly put a complete end to the romantic play I was envisioning with my husband. While my husband was quick to quell the advance, the uninvited contact was far from romantic and definitely did not assist this single man in a successful interchange with us.

2) Bad Hygiene: If you want to experience an evening in bed with a beautiful, hot couple or single, please don’t look like you just climbed out of bed! I’m always amazed at how easily this step can be overlooked by the single man attending a club. One of the basic successes in life is to put your best foot forward whether you’re applying for a job, attending a function and yes, even a swingers club.

Because physical attraction, more often than not, initiates an encounter in a swingers club, it’s vital that you look and feel your best. Putting on a clean pair of pants and a freshly washed shirt isn’t going to do you any good if you haven’t showered, styled your hair (yes, this includes facial hair) or brushed your teeth. Remember, the saying goes, “A good suit to a woman is what lingerie is to a man.” I know for me, there’s nothing more sexy than a man who cares about himself.

3) Stalking/Lurking: Part of a successful swingers club experience is the opportunity to meet couples and singles who are like-minded. You’ll miss out on this opportunity if as a single man you stay in the shadows. I know it can sometimes be difficult to work up the courage to introduce yourself, especially if rejection is in the cards, but it’s a step you have to be willing to take in order to meet others. This is another one of the more common complaints a swingers club will receive in regards to single men. The men who follow around a couple, keeping himself just out of reach or in some cases, as in no-no number 1, will cross the line and invade that space. Either way, rather than a romantic turn on for the couple, your behavior will come  across as creepy.

4) Masturbating in Public: News flash! This behavior just makes you look desperate! I’m not talking about in a group setting with another couple or single or a setting in which you’ve been invited and masturbating is part of the play. What I’m talking about is sitting on the couch or standing by the bed of a couple having sex in a swingers club when you were clearly uninvited. I promise you that no one wants to see you do this!

5) Taking the Conversation Straight to Sex: “Hi, my name is________, you are soooo sexy, I would really like to have sex with you!” If you want to be rejected, rest assured this line will do it every time. Think about it, you’re already in a swingers club, a place where the prospect of sex is hanging thick in the air and the atmosphere is charged in anticipation of things to come. There’s no need to address the obvious as an ice breaker. Take the time to actually have a conversation with either the couple (both the male and the female) or the single. The biggest fallacy I see when single men attend a swingers club is that every person in that club is not only wanting to have sex but wanting to have sex with them. So many couples who attend the club never ever take advantage of the playrooms or they only play alone. And others like the swingers atmosphere for the voyeur or exhibitionist setting. You would be safer erring on the side of caution when approaching a couple or single and striking up a conversation with a potential partner or partners. Be genuine in your interest in who they are and what they have to offer, whether you strike out or end up playing.

Okay, so you’ve read through the pitfalls and are making mental notes about what to avoid. You may even be patting yourself on the back for not falling into this pit of ills but still need some reassurance that the steps you’re making will lead you to success. I’ve found the following five steps or “Upper Crusts,” as I like to call them, will definitely move you closer towards the type of happy ending you’re hoping to achieve when attending a swingers club.

Baker taking out from the oven baked buckweat breadUpper Crusts

1) Well Dressed/Good Hygiene: Remember the quote from above: “A good suit to a woman is what lingerie is to a man?!” It’s not only true, but it works. I know I’m much more inclined to strike up a conversation with you if you’re dressed to the nines as opposed to looking like you just finished replacing the motor in your car. A woman puts just as much importance on the physical aspects of a man as a man does a woman. Take that shower, shave, style those locks, iron that shirt, brush those pearly whites and make sure to let us see that smile when we meet you. The single men who grasp this will take the effort to put their best foot forward, because after all, if you want the best you have to offer the best. Three cheers for the guys who take care of themselves…inside and out!

2) Communicate With Both Partners: These guys get it. The successful single man knows the couple is a complete package. They know to engage both people in conversation. The successful single man will know it’s just as important to find a common ground with the husband as it is with the wife. The swinging couple is in the club to enhance their relationship not to replace something. They want to intensify an already strong bond. The successful single man understands this and shows it by inclusion with both partners.

3) Setting Up Playtime: The successful single man will understand he’s more likely to engage in playtime with a couple or single before entering the play area. As a matter of fact, the successful single man won’t enter into the play areas unless invited by another couple or single. Instead of lurking in the shadows of the play area, the successful single man will spend his evening engaging in meaningful conversation with couples or singles in the reception area of the club. He’ll take the time to get to know his potential play partner long before the topic of playing is ever broached. He’ll set up the play date rather than lurching around the play area hoping to score.

4) Well Mannered: The successful single man understands how far manners will get him,  especially in the swinger environment. He’ll be courteous and polite, keep his hands to himself and respect everyone’s personal space. He won’t have any expectations about what could happen at the end of the evening because his goal is to engage in meaningful interaction with other like-minded couples and singles. He won’t shy away from introducing himself and will be well spoken. He’ll be able to discuss a wide range of topics, while able to read whether or not he has overstayed his welcome with a couple or single and then graciously move on.

5) Never Pushes for Sex: Some of my best single male experiences have been those in which  I initiated sex. These guys let me take the lead and were happy to follow. They may have made eye contact with me across the room and were clever enough to understand my body language. They understood that sometimes women like to take the dominant role.

When the man in the swingers club I mentioned above touched my leg, the outcome of that evening actually ended on a high note. After the intrusion, John led me back to the common area so I could take time to compose myself. While calming down, I noticed a single man not far from where I was sitting. There was something pleasant about his demeanor which piqued my interest. He wasn’t lurking, yet he wasn’t oppressive either. He was simply standing there smiling at me. I never moved from the chair I was sitting on. He slowly made his way towards me, never afraid to look away from my gaze. The next thing I knew, I was taking him by the hand and leading him to the play area with my husband in tow. Fortunately for me, I didn’t let the previous situation take away from what ended up being an extremely successful evening with this single man and my husband.

What I’ve found in all my years of being part of the swingers lifestyle is that the single male does play a vital role in playtime. They provide that additional play partner, that fantasy role in a threesome, the much-needed member of a gang bang, or on occasion, will be the partner in a separate play situation. I’ve formed incredible friendships with several single men I’ve come in contact with and enjoy seeing and talking to them, regardless of whether or not we end up playing. I believe most swingers will admit to enjoying, at one time or another, the benefits of having playtime with a single man. Yes, the single man can at times be dealt a pretty rough hand as a result of a few bad apples, but for the most part, those within the swinging community will understand the vital addition they provide to a plethora of play.

Not only is it up to the single man to put his best foot forward, but it’s also the responsibility of couples and singles to be respectful of these men. Something I’ve always tried to remember is that I don’t know someone’s situation until I talk to them. Who knows, maybe the single man in the club is a recently divorced swinger, or worse, maybe he’s the widow of a swingers couple and misses the companionship of the lifestyle. He may be new to the area and wants to meet  people who are more open-minded, or he could simply be new to the lifestyle and have no clue what his role is in this foreign arena.

Just like with a couple new to the lifestyle, there will be a learning curve as the single man adjusts to the environment. This is another reason why I think it’s so important to advise single men with tips and pointers while they navigate a successful route through swinging. Yes, sometimes, there will be those single men who come into a club and for whatever reason lose sight of how they’re supposed to act. These men on occasion will have to be reminded to rein it in, and in the most extreme cases will have to simply call it a night. With a loving and open arms policy, I believe the swinging community can come together in support of this empowering lifestyle and encourage ALL who are interested in learning the benefits of entering into a swinging relationship. We can become vital teachers in reaching those who are truly interested in creating the best possible life for themselves.

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Creative Commons License
This work by Professor Taboo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at www.professortaboo.com/contact-me/. or from John & Jackie Melfi at http://openlove101.com/contact/.