Is The Swingers’ Lifestyle Male-Driven?

John and Jackie Melfi are friends of mine at OpenLove101.com and fantastic advocates for the Open-Swinger lifestyle through their web-blog, their three clubs Colette Dallas, New Orleans, and now Houston. All of their efforts to further educate couples and singles are positive, encouraging, and down to Earth when it comes to first exploring your curiosities with your partner/spouse. They also dispel many of the preconceived notions and false myths outsiders might have about the lifestyle. John and Jackie make you feel so comfortable, so welcomed with your questions, you leave not only impressed, but feeling as if you, or the two of you, are veterans in total sync with each other AND others! Yes, they are that good!

John-Jackie Melfi_abcnews-nightline

One such popular misperception is that the Open-Swinger lifestyle is male-driven and that the women are essentially there to please or keep their man and afraid to speak up for themselves. John and Jackie flat-out take contention to that false claim saying that in reality the exact opposite is true. The women are very empowered and dictate much of what occurs in the lifestyle! In my 15-16 years in the lifestyle I could not agree more with them.

This is a transcript and repost of their recent video-blog, Is The Swinger’s Lifestyle Male-Driven? Check it out. If you’d like to just watch the blog-video, scroll to the bottom and hit the play button.

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John:  Hey everybody, it’s John and Jackie here at OpenLove101.com and we’ve decided to have a little conversation today about whether or not the Swinger lifestyle is male-driven because we’ve heard some comments about that lately, and we’ve had some questions about it in emails, and it’s something I don’t think we’ve ever really discussed. So this is kind of off the cuff here.

I know that when Jackie and I first got together she knew right away that I was in the swinger club business and there was a curiosity there from her to come to the club. I didn’t force her to come to the club. I mean, I think in our conversations about the swinger-lifestyle relationship model, you decided you wanted to see what it was like… at least, yeah I mean, she’s gonna end up with me she’s got to see what the clubs are like, right? But I didn’t drag you in there. And now… you talked to me before about some misconceptions you had, like what your thoughts were, like what was going to be going on inside the club.

Jackie:  Yeah, you know again, and I’ve talked about this before too, you know I didn’t know anything about swinging and you know like John said this was his livelihood so of course it came up very early in our conversation and I had done some research on it. So through that there was a I guess a level of comfort, but I was still really apprehensive about going into a club because again, unless you’ve had the opportunity to go into a club, it’s one of those situations where you have to actually go in and see how you’re going to feel about it. Once I did that of course, any preconceived notions that I had just went out the window. I realized that it was you know… it was so much deeper than what I thought it was… which was just this sex-fueled lifestyle and of course I’ve learned since then that it’s much deeper and so once I bridged that gap and made my way into the swinger’s club and the comfort level that I felt, the conversations that I was able to have all of a sudden this went from something that John you know was doing for his livelihood, but it was also something that I was beginning to enjoy. I wanted to go to the clubs with you. I wanted to be involved in what was going on. I liked seeing the other couples and interacting with them. Regardless of what that level of interaction was I just really liked that and I liked the environment.

We’ve talked in our other videos about how women sometimes can kind of get engulfed in this view of our sexuality and of each other that can be somewhat competitive. That was one of the things that I noticed in the swinging lifestyle was that particular thought-pattern was void. I mean the women were all really embracing of each other and encouraging. It was kind of like this community within a community. And with other women that I’ve talked to since then, it’s kind of the same storyline. It can go… My husband introduced the concept to me and so then I came into the club and now we come all the time. I’m really active and vocal and in the forefront of what I’m wanting to do… continuing on in the swinging lifestyle.

That is something that I think gets lost, more often than not, and I think it’s pretty common that men are going to introduce this in the partnership, at least that was my experience, because men get to come at sexuality, more often than not, from a little different angle than women. So women for me… I can only speak for me… I wouldn’t have been as inclined to introduce something from a much more sexual standpoint than John would feel like introducing to me.

John:  So I think that might come from… that women have a tendency… more of a tendency to feel shame or guilt about… thinking along those lines. So if a woman is going to propose to her husband… Let’s go to this swinger’s club and I’m going to want to hook up with a few guys, what do you think? Her fears are going to be, I guess, would be that How’s he going to look at me? Is he going to look at me in a bad way if I broach the subject? Wouldn’t you say [to Jackie]?

John-Jackie Melfi_at_homeJackie:  Right. I think you know you’re going to have varying degrees of that within the lifestyle. You’re going to have some women that have no problem embracing it and then you’re going to have other women that it may take them a visit or two in order for them to feel comfortable with it. But I think what’s important ultimately is for us not to kid ourselves or to fool ourselves into thinking from a societal standpoint that these women are being dragged into these things against… against something that they’re wanting to do. This is a very female dominated lifestyle. It has been my finding that these women have really embraced this opportunity that they have to get in touch with themselves and foster their relationship with their partner… and just really grow that. I think it’s an important topic to touch on to kind of dispel some of those myths that this is just strictly something for the guys. I can guarantee and I promise you that the women end up pulling away a lot of positive feedback for themselves in this.

John:  Actually I think I see more women driving what the couple does in the clubs than I do the men. I don’t know if it’s because the men kind of defer to the women to make sure they don’t cross any lines, or they really don’t want to push their partner into doing something. Now of course there’s couples that have been around for a long time in the lifestyle and they just… I’ve seen those couples, they just kind of do whatever comes along. I could think… the man could suggest or the woman could suggest… either way. And then in our relationship we both suggest things but for the most part in the clubs I really see the women as being the driving force behind it.

There’s a story that comes to mind in a club that I owned in Tampa, and this couple had come in and they announced when they came in the door that they were there to meet a single woman. They were looking for a threesome with a single woman. I kind of suspected that it was an idea that was generated by the man because that does happen sometimes… men really want to have their fantasies, to have a threesome with two women, but that particular night there really weren’t these single women in there. When they left, the woman was so excited she had had sex with like four or five men. I mean, it was the exact opposite! And she goes It was amazing! I never dreamed I would have come in here and had this happen to me! and she said I had the opportunity and I said can I try it? He said sure. So there’s another example, and I see that happen more often than not when a woman is able to fulfill the fantasies she might have whether it be with a man or a woman.

Jackie:  Yeah, that’s a great point.

John:  So I definitely I think it is a misconception men or the driving force behind it and it really is a couple’s thing.

Jackie:  That’s true. I mean at the end of the day you know it’s about enhancing the relationship so yeah, definitely.

John:  So thanks for watching our video. Please subscribe to our email list at OpenLove101.com and we’ll send you updates on new videos and blogs and other stuff about what Jackie and I have going on.

Both:  See ya.

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If any of you have any questions, about absolutely any subject, John and Jackie, as well as myself, are happy to answer or suggest tips, etc. John and Jackie are very good at replying to questions and emails.

And below, please feel free to leave your thoughts, comments, and questions!

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Swinging and the Single Male

John and Jackie Melfi are the owners of the popular Open-Swinger Clubs colette (Dallas & New Orleans) and the Blog-writers of Openlove101.com! Please go checkout their websites; whether you are curious about the lifestyle, you and your partner/spouse are looking to explore the many benefits of the lifestyle, or are regular veterans… there is always something great the Melfi’s have to offer; I promise!

I asked John and Jackie if they would be kind enough to write a Guest-post here for my blog not only on the subject of the Open-Swinger Lifestyle, BUT the significance or importance of the single male within the lifestyle. More importantly, I asked Jackie to speak some on the topic of single-man etiquette in our lifestyle, at the clubs, and/or at private Meets/Munches. This is what Jackie had to say. Many many thanks to you Jackie and John for your willingness to share and educate!

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By: Jackie Melfi

Can a single male successfully navigate his way through the swingers lifestyle? The answer is yes, but this success will weigh heavily upon whether or not he applies some simple yet effective guidelines.

Flirtatious young girls staring at handsome guyAs owners of some of the most successful swingers clubs in the United States, my husband and I have witnessed the victories and pitfalls single men encounter when entering the swinging community.  

It’s been my experience as well as others I’ve communicated with that some of the most basic protocol is overlooked by men who want to be part of this diverse and sex positive lifestyle. It’s also been my great pleasure to be surrounded by an equally genteel group of men who value not only themselves but others who partake in this rich and uniting way of life. What separates these two groups of men? I’ve compiled a top five list for both in the hopes of educating single males who regularly find themselves in the pitfall category as well as to reinforce the actions and behaviors that keep a percentage in the upper crust level.

pitfall-signPITFALLS

1) Touching without Permission: This for me is probably the biggest no-no I see committed by single men, and which I have personal experience with. My husband and I were travelling and stopped in a swingers club. We decided to check out the playrooms, and after selecting a quiet, private spot, we ventured onto the bed. The next thing I know, an arm was encroaching in on our moment and touching my leg. This intrusion instantly put a complete end to the romantic play I was envisioning with my husband. While my husband was quick to quell the advance, the uninvited contact was far from romantic and definitely did not assist this single man in a successful interchange with us.

2) Bad Hygiene: If you want to experience an evening in bed with a beautiful, hot couple or single, please don’t look like you just climbed out of bed! I’m always amazed at how easily this step can be overlooked by the single man attending a club. One of the basic successes in life is to put your best foot forward whether you’re applying for a job, attending a function and yes, even a swingers club.

Because physical attraction, more often than not, initiates an encounter in a swingers club, it’s vital that you look and feel your best. Putting on a clean pair of pants and a freshly washed shirt isn’t going to do you any good if you haven’t showered, styled your hair (yes, this includes facial hair) or brushed your teeth. Remember, the saying goes, “A good suit to a woman is what lingerie is to a man.” I know for me, there’s nothing more sexy than a man who cares about himself.

3) Stalking/Lurking: Part of a successful swingers club experience is the opportunity to meet couples and singles who are like-minded. You’ll miss out on this opportunity if as a single man you stay in the shadows. I know it can sometimes be difficult to work up the courage to introduce yourself, especially if rejection is in the cards, but it’s a step you have to be willing to take in order to meet others. This is another one of the more common complaints a swingers club will receive in regards to single men. The men who follow around a couple, keeping himself just out of reach or in some cases, as in no-no number 1, will cross the line and invade that space. Either way, rather than a romantic turn on for the couple, your behavior will come  across as creepy.

4) Masturbating in Public: News flash! This behavior just makes you look desperate! I’m not talking about in a group setting with another couple or single or a setting in which you’ve been invited and masturbating is part of the play. What I’m talking about is sitting on the couch or standing by the bed of a couple having sex in a swingers club when you were clearly uninvited. I promise you that no one wants to see you do this!

5) Taking the Conversation Straight to Sex: “Hi, my name is________, you are soooo sexy, I would really like to have sex with you!” If you want to be rejected, rest assured this line will do it every time. Think about it, you’re already in a swingers club, a place where the prospect of sex is hanging thick in the air and the atmosphere is charged in anticipation of things to come. There’s no need to address the obvious as an ice breaker. Take the time to actually have a conversation with either the couple (both the male and the female) or the single. The biggest fallacy I see when single men attend a swingers club is that every person in that club is not only wanting to have sex but wanting to have sex with them. So many couples who attend the club never ever take advantage of the playrooms or they only play alone. And others like the swingers atmosphere for the voyeur or exhibitionist setting. You would be safer erring on the side of caution when approaching a couple or single and striking up a conversation with a potential partner or partners. Be genuine in your interest in who they are and what they have to offer, whether you strike out or end up playing.

Okay, so you’ve read through the pitfalls and are making mental notes about what to avoid. You may even be patting yourself on the back for not falling into this pit of ills but still need some reassurance that the steps you’re making will lead you to success. I’ve found the following five steps or “Upper Crusts,” as I like to call them, will definitely move you closer towards the type of happy ending you’re hoping to achieve when attending a swingers club.

Baker taking out from the oven baked buckweat breadUpper Crusts

1) Well Dressed/Good Hygiene: Remember the quote from above: “A good suit to a woman is what lingerie is to a man?!” It’s not only true, but it works. I know I’m much more inclined to strike up a conversation with you if you’re dressed to the nines as opposed to looking like you just finished replacing the motor in your car. A woman puts just as much importance on the physical aspects of a man as a man does a woman. Take that shower, shave, style those locks, iron that shirt, brush those pearly whites and make sure to let us see that smile when we meet you. The single men who grasp this will take the effort to put their best foot forward, because after all, if you want the best you have to offer the best. Three cheers for the guys who take care of themselves…inside and out!

2) Communicate With Both Partners: These guys get it. The successful single man knows the couple is a complete package. They know to engage both people in conversation. The successful single man will know it’s just as important to find a common ground with the husband as it is with the wife. The swinging couple is in the club to enhance their relationship not to replace something. They want to intensify an already strong bond. The successful single man understands this and shows it by inclusion with both partners.

3) Setting Up Playtime: The successful single man will understand he’s more likely to engage in playtime with a couple or single before entering the play area. As a matter of fact, the successful single man won’t enter into the play areas unless invited by another couple or single. Instead of lurking in the shadows of the play area, the successful single man will spend his evening engaging in meaningful conversation with couples or singles in the reception area of the club. He’ll take the time to get to know his potential play partner long before the topic of playing is ever broached. He’ll set up the play date rather than lurching around the play area hoping to score.

4) Well Mannered: The successful single man understands how far manners will get him,  especially in the swinger environment. He’ll be courteous and polite, keep his hands to himself and respect everyone’s personal space. He won’t have any expectations about what could happen at the end of the evening because his goal is to engage in meaningful interaction with other like-minded couples and singles. He won’t shy away from introducing himself and will be well spoken. He’ll be able to discuss a wide range of topics, while able to read whether or not he has overstayed his welcome with a couple or single and then graciously move on.

5) Never Pushes for Sex: Some of my best single male experiences have been those in which  I initiated sex. These guys let me take the lead and were happy to follow. They may have made eye contact with me across the room and were clever enough to understand my body language. They understood that sometimes women like to take the dominant role.

When the man in the swingers club I mentioned above touched my leg, the outcome of that evening actually ended on a high note. After the intrusion, John led me back to the common area so I could take time to compose myself. While calming down, I noticed a single man not far from where I was sitting. There was something pleasant about his demeanor which piqued my interest. He wasn’t lurking, yet he wasn’t oppressive either. He was simply standing there smiling at me. I never moved from the chair I was sitting on. He slowly made his way towards me, never afraid to look away from my gaze. The next thing I knew, I was taking him by the hand and leading him to the play area with my husband in tow. Fortunately for me, I didn’t let the previous situation take away from what ended up being an extremely successful evening with this single man and my husband.

What I’ve found in all my years of being part of the swingers lifestyle is that the single male does play a vital role in playtime. They provide that additional play partner, that fantasy role in a threesome, the much-needed member of a gang bang, or on occasion, will be the partner in a separate play situation. I’ve formed incredible friendships with several single men I’ve come in contact with and enjoy seeing and talking to them, regardless of whether or not we end up playing. I believe most swingers will admit to enjoying, at one time or another, the benefits of having playtime with a single man. Yes, the single man can at times be dealt a pretty rough hand as a result of a few bad apples, but for the most part, those within the swinging community will understand the vital addition they provide to a plethora of play.

Not only is it up to the single man to put his best foot forward, but it’s also the responsibility of couples and singles to be respectful of these men. Something I’ve always tried to remember is that I don’t know someone’s situation until I talk to them. Who knows, maybe the single man in the club is a recently divorced swinger, or worse, maybe he’s the widow of a swingers couple and misses the companionship of the lifestyle. He may be new to the area and wants to meet  people who are more open-minded, or he could simply be new to the lifestyle and have no clue what his role is in this foreign arena.

Just like with a couple new to the lifestyle, there will be a learning curve as the single man adjusts to the environment. This is another reason why I think it’s so important to advise single men with tips and pointers while they navigate a successful route through swinging. Yes, sometimes, there will be those single men who come into a club and for whatever reason lose sight of how they’re supposed to act. These men on occasion will have to be reminded to rein it in, and in the most extreme cases will have to simply call it a night. With a loving and open arms policy, I believe the swinging community can come together in support of this empowering lifestyle and encourage ALL who are interested in learning the benefits of entering into a swinging relationship. We can become vital teachers in reaching those who are truly interested in creating the best possible life for themselves.

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