Courage Fulfills: The Many Rewards of Mindful Exploration

It is not quality vs. quantity, but instead quantity and quality.

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John and Jackie Melfi are blogging friends of mine over at They are also fellow Open-Swinger lifestylers that I not only respect for their sex-positive view on life and relationships, but also for their sound, understanding help they offer singles and couples curious and/or exploring the Open-Swinger lifestyle… or perhaps couples/singles doubting what they’ve been taught about love, intimacy, sex, and a truly fulfilled and wholesome life.

This week’s blog-post is “Ask John & Jackie: Pros and Cons of Open Relationships” and the email they chose to share is a really great example of a woman curious about the possibilities of a different lifestyle. A lifestyle of endless riddles-with-rewards and strong, lifelong friendships. Jackie’s response to her is superb and reflects her many years of wisdom with her husband John and living the lifestyle for years. What is just as intriguing is the woman’s list of pros and cons. From the blog-post…

Dear John & Jackie,

Hi! I’m enjoying your videos so far. I wanted to share my story and ask some questions about the swinger lifestyle.

I was raised as a Mormon, which is a fundamentalist cult-like strict faith. It is sexually shaming and suppressing unless you are married, and even then, there isn’t much openness and experimentation emphasized. I realized the church was a hoax and left, but it took me until I was 28 (I left less than a year ago).

I am now in a relationship of about 6 months. He is my first sexual partner. My viewpoints on all kinds of things have evolved radically since I left the church, and continue to. Some of those things had already evolved for me, such as — I saw absolutely nothing wrong with gay marriage, which was prohibited and discouraged in the church. Obviously I see nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage I’ve surprised myself with how much I’ve opened my mind.

One thing that I’ve started thinking about more, which I would never have considered previously, is threesomes and open relationships. We have joked about it, but I kind of started thinking about it more seriously and doing a lot of research. He has always been curious about trying an open relationship so that he could know whether he even liked it or not before writing it off, but none of his girlfriends would have been into it. I seem to be okay “thinking about it” but I’m afraid that I’m just fooling myself, and that it would not go well, or it would ruin my relationship if I tried it out. Here are my fears and my pro-cons. Perhaps you can offer some insight, but I am coming from a very different lifestyle than most people who become swingers. I’m at the VERY earliest stages of thinking about it.


  • I can try more sexual partners (since I’ve only had ONE), which will bring me more experience and pleasure, and teach me more techniques to please my partner
  • Having more partners wouldn’t mean I have to end my relationship
  • I firmly believe in freeing your partner as much as possible to be themselves and express/fulfill themselves. I’d never considered it on a sexual level until now, but I’ve thought more and more about it.
  • I may feel less jealousy or suspicion, because we would communicate openly and he wouldn’t feel a need to sneak around behind my back.
  • I wouldn’t worry about my partner cheating (which currently is a fear! 😉 )
  • I may feel more love and acceptance of all people (especially women)
  • My partner may be more satisfied and content in life
  • I will be empowered as a woman
  • I will more fully overcome my upbringing of shaming and suppression. Instead, it will be about total authenticity and embracing my beautiful sensuality. I have already had to heal from that and it’s a work-in-progress.
  • If I get married, we will never reach that breaking point where we’re struggling and feel the need to get out and date because we’re sick of each other. Instead, we’ll have been proactive about that.
  • It may increase the level of our trust and communication
  • For both of us — that magic of first meeting someone and feeling the chemistry never has to fully disappear. We’ll always have a craving for that and now we could have it forever.
  • I would never need to look on jealously at someone who had a more freedom-based relationship or as myself if I should have experimented with it.
  • I like talking to him about his past relationships. It helps me digest them and not see them as a threat.


  • I don’t know how to date. I’ve never dated outside my church until now, and certainly never been intimate with someone I wasn’t dating.
  • I didn’t even really like dating before. It was tiring and painful. Of course, for me, it was more about looking for a life partner instead of having fun; this type of dating might be more fun!
  • I am an introvert, and my partner is much more gregarious. He would have a much easier time finding dates, and I would be more likely to be reading a book at home feeling depressed that he’s not around. I know it’s not a competition, but I would feel like he was the only one benefitting if I couldn’t get dates. I find it very easy to ignore people in public, but he loves looking at women, engaging with people, etc.
  • No idea how the logistics work. Like… is our house off boundaries? Do we rent hotel rooms? Their place only? How do you find people to date?
  • He might fall in love with someone else.
  • I might fall in love with someone else.
  • I will continue to age, and he will date younger and younger women, constantly comparing me. I feel like the double standard would just be even more emphasized in an open relationship. Am I wrong?
  • I am pretty open minded but do feel some jealousy when my BF flirts with/checks out other women when I’m present. He doesn’t do it intentionally; I can just tell when he’s attracted to someone else and is more engaging with them. I worry that my jealousy would eat me alive!
  • I’m afraid at failing (being a bad lover, not being able to come etc — this is a legitimate concern because I just barely became sexually active! As I’m healing, I can be hard to please and vulnerable)
  • Our relationship might fail
  • It may make me feel like I’m not satisfying him
  • I am already going through so many changes. This might shock my system.
  • I like knowing that my partner and I have no STIs. Adding more and more partners to the mix seems like tempting fate.
  • My entire LARGE family is married and monogamous and quite conservative. None of them watch porn (or if they do, it’s underground and considered “sinful”), none of them would ever consider cheating or they’d get kicked out of the church, and they would be extremely judgmental to learn of that lifestyle. It would require a lot of either hiding, or facing constant judgment and shaming. I’ve already dealt with so much of that just from leaving the church. They are not embracing of my lifestyle even as is.
  • It’s hard for me to fathom bringing other people into such an intimate part of our lives. Sure, I can fantasize about a threesome, but I feel like I rely on the privacy to be comfortable and trusting in our sexual encounters.
  • We might give it a shot, and one of us may decide to live that way the rest of our lives, and the other won’t like it, which will tear us apart. If we’d never tried it, maybe we could have prevented that.
  • Our relationship is a cradle for my vulnerability. Will that go away?
  • Even though I enjoy my untethered life after the church, there are still little things that resonate with me, since it was my entire world view for my whole life. The sacredness and specialness of marriage between two committed partners still resonates with me. Maybe I need to give it a shot, but it just feels a little wrong for me. The same way I can appreciate homosexual relationships but don’t have a desire to engage in one. How do you take the first step?

Anyway I’ll keep reading your posts and watching your videos and checking out other articles online. I am certainly curious about this lifestyle, but I’ve seen some people hurt by it before, and I’m coming from a very different background. I’m not sure it’s for me. I apologize for the LONG email but hopefully it will be a new and interesting perspective for you, and maybe you’ll have some insights for me. Thanks, and cheers to great, honest, authentic relationships! Xoxo


Voliere Wire BirdcageJackie’s reply is simply fantastic, but probably more importantly is her encouraging approach while also being empathetically understanding — Jackie too is from a deeply religious background. I encourage you all to go and read her entire reply here.

This was one of my favorite parts in her response:

I have had my share of people in the lifestyle ask me about the fear of John falling in love with someone else. My standard response is, “I don’t have any control over him falling in love regardless.” Look half the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce and this is the monogamous standard! Keeping ourselves or our partner in cages, does not protect us from a relationship ending. this is why I am purposeful in my thoughts. I don’t spend my days worrying about what I might lose, instead I focus on what I DO have. The beauty in what I have right this moment with John. This loving with an open hand and heart, I have found (at least in this relationship) to work almost like an oxymoron. The more open my attitude about our relationship, the closer the relationship seems to become. The funny thing is though, that this closeness isn’t on purpose. I’m not giving freedom in an attempt to keep John, nor is John doing it to keep me. We have simply come to see that this is a natural response to this kind of love…a bonus!

Not giving freedom in an attempt to keep John, nor is John doing it to keep me.” When I read this sentence I imagined two symbolic images. The first image was a ship like the one above in the header, but not at sea. It was tethered tightly to its pier, never or rarely to become what it was meant to be. The second image was a birdcage without a door. There was no need for a door. The bird’s sheer beauty was found in its flight as well as its rest.

How will the ship and its crew know and learn what they are capable of finding, of handling if they do not leave port or journey out of the harbor and out of their home sea? How can a Bird of Paradise be fully appreciated (loved) if it is kept behind a locked door or even a door which is rarely opened?

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote a very popular poem most of us are familiar with, but I want to add my own personal touch at the end:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all,
Or the most.

I am certainly not advocating reckless abandon. We humans are not one of the planet’s most intelligent creatures for nothing. Trials and errors have taught us plenty to keep moving forward even after setbacks. Successes are lifetime memories, failures are merely opportunities. Do not let fear stifle what awaits us all. Have courage to fulfill your curiosities and experiences beyond your imaginations. Try. Keep learning how to fail better each time. Eventually you’ll become an expert at exactly what you were always meant to be! The more the better.

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Amour et Coeurs Jumeaux

I felt compelled to spread these images, this song, and the emotions pouring out of them. I hope it all puts a big smile on your face and warms your soul.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ § ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

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Love is love is love.  It knows no ethnicity, no national borders, no amount of money, no time, no genders, no animal genders either, and never any limits.  It is the reason to exist.

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Music:  “Les Coeurs Jumeaux” by Concrete Blonde

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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The Meaning

Tuesday, June 7th 2016 began like most of the last 1,000 days, maybe more. I had stopped counting. I had stopped thinking too. I had slipped into cruise-control and didn’t know it until a little after Tuesday, June 7th. That day probably should have been like all the hundreds of days prior — a number before the next.

But it wasn’t.
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I am a firm believer in the laws of attraction. I am a firm believer in Nature, Human Nature, and what tens of thousands of years have embedded deep within our human DNA and hormones generation after generation after generation. Only if we intentionally choose as an adult to make ourselves a social recluse, something we are not as newborns, infants, toddlers, or children (teens or adults?). On the contrary, we are naturally a very gregarious species. We crave to be part, a significant part of a group which is similar to ourselves. We crave connection with others. I am no different.

city_lights_in_ac_motionI am a firm believer in communication and free-form human interaction. I am a firm believer that all forms of human communication and expression, verbal or non-verbal, work as an alternating-current; yes, as in the back-and-forth flow of electricity. How we are charged Effects others near us and they us, and those expressions, those connections, those exchanges influence to some degree our own Affect. Laws of electricity and attraction are always seeking in never-ending motion between organic bodies and the unseen waves, as well as the heard, the felt, the scented, and flavored waves between us; all are in motion and seeking. We crave to sense these motions, these waves, and I am no different.

Astronomers current best estimates say there are at least 100-billion galaxies in the observable Cosmos. There are an estimated 400-billion stars or Suns in our Milky Way galaxy. On our very tiny planet of 7.45+ billion people there are roughly 6,500 spoken languages. Of those languages 4,500 are more common and only about 10 are most commonly spoken by roughly 3.6 billion people on this tiny planet floating around 1 Sun among 400-billion other Suns in one galaxy among 100-billion galaxies. The enormity of our Cosmos cannot be appreciated, its vastness incomprehensible, its richest mysteries infinite. In a human existence of on average about 75-80 years, on a planet only 4.5 billion years old floating in a galaxy about 13.2 billion years old floating in a Cosmos that is about 14-billion years old, human connections are obviously here and gone in a flash, no… not even a flash. Blink and you will have missed all of humanity’s history entirely.

Yet, there are events, there are connections of chemistry and physics between people in an ocean of 7.45+ billion and thousands of verbal and non-verbal languages that make perfect sense. In part, I know what I know because I am made of star-dust, of particles, atoms, energy, and thousands and thousands of generations of family called the human race and passed on to me (in part) as intuition and human expressions. I am inextricably linked with my kind, so I recognize certain signals, certain energies, certain waves on a planet in a galaxy within a never-ending cosmic ocean.

Me:  “So I know what I can know. There are many things… many “encounters” that are common, others that are a bit less common… and then…

…there are very very FEW that in such a cosmic ocean are ridiculously weird and uncommon, yet unbelievably natural, which pound on your chest, stagger your breathing and your normal thinking… so different, there is no imaginable reason you can ignore it or explain it in logical terms.”

“And there it is.”

In order to be able to say those things and mean it, to have lived it, you must have been truly inside and experienced a kaleidoscope of multiple human encounters, right? One must have tasted many flavors. Check-mark. I have.

But I have gone ahead in this story. Those words quoted were written 3-weeks later, June 28th. Is that the end of it? Leave good enough alone? No, not at all. (An important sidenote)
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sun-moon-ying-yangWe learn as much from our successes as we do from our disasters. I might go as far as to say we learn much more profoundly from tribulation and failures. If true, as beautifully imperfect creatures as we are then we can learn to fail better… staying determined, staying hopeful, staying openly mindful, bending not breaking while staying true to self along the way! I know. In theory this sounds splendid; in practice it can feel overwhelming. I’ve lived both sides, up and down, and I am no different from others who have done the same. But I knew too well, to my deepest core, exactly what I wanted, exactly what would work, exactly what would align my stars. In addition to my above sidenote involving both my alternative lifestyles, I had also developed during a 13-year span of multiple relationships… an extensive idea, a list if you will, of my atypical imaginary woman. Along with those aforementioned lifestyle-choices, this List has only 20 points, or signs, to recognize her/them:

  1. You feel a strange, inexplicable sense of “recognition” when you meet the person. This might manifest itself as déjà vu, or an unshakable feeling that you’ve known this person before, or are somehow “meant to be together.
  2. You have a feeling that they are going to play a very important role in your own development, without knowing when, why or how.
  3. You’ve established an immediate, intense connection with them that is invigorating and shocking at the same time.
  4. You feel as though you’ve finally found a “home” or safe place with the other person.
  5. You are able to be your authentic self warts and all – without the fear of rejection, persecution or judgment with them.
  6. You both embody the yin and yang, in other words, your dark side is balanced by their light side, and their dark side is balanced by your light side.
  7. You feel a sense of expansion with them, as though you are larger than your limited identity.
  8. They make you a better person, and you make them a better person.
  9. When together you are both bonded but free, attached but unattached. In other words, you still maintain your freedom even though you might be in a relationship with them.
  10. You are finely tuned to their energy, and they are finely tuned to yours. This means that you are both very conscious of the present play of energy (whether happy or sad, angry or forgiving, open or withholding) present in the connection. You’re both therefore highly empathic with each other.
  11. love-the-abstract-wayYou feel as though you have been waiting for this person your entire life.
  12. You both connect deeply and mirror each other’s values and aspirations for life beyond surface similarities.
  13. Your twin flame is a mirror of what you fear and simultaneously desire the most for your own inner healing. For example, if you are a highly strung person, your twin flame will most likely be relaxed and messy. If you like to play the victim, your twin flame will be a strong character who refuses to give you pity or sympathy to perpetuate your complex. If you are creatively repressed, your twin flame will be a flourishing artist. In this way, our twin flames challenge and infuriate us but also teach us important lessons about our fears, core wounds and repressions.
  14. No matter how many times you avoid or leave your twin flame, you’re always magnetically attracted back to them. (Don’t confuse this with abusive relationship complexes.)
  15. One of you is more soulfully mature than the other, and often serves as the teacher, counselor or confidant within the relationship.
  16. You are taught important life lessons such as forgiveness, gratitude, empathy and open-mindedness by them and with them.
  17. Your connection is multi-faceted. In other words, your twin flame is likely your best friend, lover, teacher, nurturer and muse all at once.
  18. Your twin flame doesn’t try to change you. They accept you for who you are and what stage you’re at, and encourage you to do the same for yourself (and vice versa).
  19. You can be truthful with each other about anything. Nothing under the Sun or Moon is off-limits or needs hiding.
  20. Together, you both feel driven towards a higher purpose, whether spiritually, socially or ecologically.

dilemmasMy 20-point list, however, has a double-edge. While assisting me like a compass providing some unemotional intellectual direction — i.e. not getting lost in the moment; fabulous for distinguishing realistic wants vs needs — it also can trap or filter out unrealized potential, for myself AND for her if she abhors such a list. Wise and frustrating at the same time. For years my personal circumstances, deficient social rendezvous in my area, my age of fifty-three, and my uncompromising “fail better” mantra, all looked like Mt. Everest and felt counter-productive. Preserving a proud true-to-self integrity and doing it alone/solo appealed less to me each ticktock of the clock.

Then there was coincidence, clear serendipity.
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The Cambridge English Dictionary defines coincidence as “an occasion when two or more things happen at the same time, especially in a way that is unexpected or unlikely, or the unlikely fact of such things happening at the same time.” My definition turned out differently starting with an unusual request, a friend-request, by way of a mutual friend:

Me:  “Hi! I was trying to place you. I see we have mutual dance-club friends… but I can’t honestly remember where I may have met you. Sorry. Am I having a brain-fart?”

Haha… nope, no lapse in your memory. We have never met (that I am aware of). Blake has mentioned your impressive taste in music on a couple of occasions (even new material). So, to be honest, I am finally adding you for purely selfish reasons with regard to music exposure. LOL!! And thank you for the kind words about my babies. I thought so too, but I have a significant case of bias.

Ahhh…then we are in good company on child-bias!!! I have two very gorgeous, very intelligent, very nice, polite, humble children that will both become Adult Prodigies and CHANGE THE WORLD…. or take it over, whichever makes more money for me to retire on!!!

I do love Blake’s and Sid’s music — I miss dancing BADLY! And Blake & Sid have exceptional taste as well. Maybe we feed off each other… and sometimes (maybe?) invite Jarell to take part. Hahaha!
No… just kidding about Jarell… love him too! Anyway, GREAT TO MEET YOU here! Perhaps when I’m up in DFW sometime or in Denver July 30th at the concert we’ll cross paths, eh?

Ahh, a proud Papa!! What ages are your kiddos? So you are not in DFW anymore? Not to brag, but I think I MIGHT be going to the club this Friday. Was just in Denver (at Beta) a couple of weeks ago after The Cardigans show.

Hey, I just looked at our mutual friends and it really wouldn’t surprise me if we had been introduced before. I know all those folks pretty well, and see that you even know two or three other good friends. I’ve been friends with Hannah and (even more so) Myra since maybe 2002. Small world!

Small world indeed. Three days later our world got even smaller. Or bigger? Veiled or unveiled? Days later…

There’s a form of dance I often do at the club to certain songs. I later found out that it is called Kizomba. Here’s an example of it:

Whoa… dat ass though!!

Listen, due to my occupation I know we know some of the same people (and those people know people), so please keep this between us…

[a lengthy needed explanation follows which I omit here…]

Soooo, there ya go. I’ll stop there instead of writing a NOVEL like I did yesterday. Haha

OH whatever. You didn’t write a novel — please, get over yourself with grandiose delusions of being Mark Twain or Ralph Waldo Emerson! Just kidding!

Seriously though, I’m a fanatic for significance, for impact, for relevance, for the marrow-of-life, NOT B.S. about the weather and overkill with proper formal etiquette for the sake of a stranger’s temporary feelings, etc.! Not condoning the other extreme either, like simply rude or insensitive… just REAL! Make sense?

And no worries about the need for my exceptional discretion for your situation. Actually, most of my dance-club friends already know that I am quite “Alternative” in and about relationships — i.e. since 1989 I’ve been in the S.S.C. BDSM lifestyle, and a Pre-open/swinger lifestyle since 1997, full-blown in 2003. In theory I might be polyamory, but can’t determine; I haven’t been in a serious committed partnership since 2003 and 2010… both of those dear female friends/Soul MateS were into my alternative lifestyles as well and they only confirmed beyond doubt that I BELONG and THRIVE in BOTH lifestyles!

So… how’s my novel introduction right there!? – wink –

OMG… been asking for that for more than 10 years!!! Open, polyamory, etc. I keep trying and the answer is always a resounding NO. I don’t believe it is in many people’s nature to be monogamous. Works for some, but very unrealistic for others.

Lol…yeah, when those lifestyles finally surface from me in conversations, the woman or couple look at me like I have a big eye in my forehead with antennae sticking out my skull. A few times at public places, bars, etc…the woman will just immediately and literally walk away… sometimes they’ll say “Okay, bye-bye” or eventually some other freak-out happens. – wink –

Are you a Dom? My fascination and interest with BDSM began with my visits to The Chamber in Atlanta at age 21. You should google… they put on some phenomenal shows back in the day.

Two of my most prized memes…

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I am a Dom/Top…not a 24/7 Dom, have no desire to be a “Father” again(!), but more like 1-3 times a month to dungeons or Munches, and 1-2 times a week privately/personally at home or my private dungeon.

I’m not familiar with The Chamber in Atlanta. I will check them out!
Hahaha! And love those memes!

Not sure if you’ve had a chance to notice, but my personal blog (WordPress) is pretty much my own Journal… about all sorts of things, but also my BDSM/Open Lifestyles, and other important topics/categories that are sometimes feared and avoided.

By the way, when I/we get into more open details about my Alternative stuff… I like to go private email… my blog’s email preferably. Care to email back-n-forth there?

Yes Sir. I have a private email address but can’t remember my password and couldn’t get into it the other day. It’s Wanna guess what HBD stands for??

Well, my imagination can go wild on that! Tell me…

Human Bondage Den.

temptation_by_strehpnahziaMy jaw drops. I rub my bulging eyes to read and reread several times what she has written to make sure I am not hallucinating! “Is this really effin possible!?” I asked myself.

I decided I’m going to quickly get deeper into metaphysics, or things unseen and difficult to measure/observe; i.e. Soul Mates, Twin Flames, and my 20-points above. After that litmus test I’ll explore the music, dancing, social shenanigans, and How-to-be-Bohemian litmus tests! And eventually I will return to these two alternative lifestyles — to the real harder core aspects of the Open-Swinger lifestyle and further aspects of the SSC BDSM lifestyle; dig for a more accurate litmus test with my two-page (≅ 200-275 questions) SM 101 Negotiation-Forms from “S&M 101:  A Realistic Introduction.” Over the years these two tests are usually deal-makers or deal-breakers; mostly the latter.

And the final test/requirement:  a voracious turbo-charged sensuality-sexuality; NOT SHY, NOT ASHAMED!

Some (or many) women, as well as men, I meet online or in person, choose to avoid full-swap in the OS-lifestyle or the BDSM lifestyle for various trust-fear reasons, and some/many firm Feminists choose, or do not manage well, or have difficulties being a true submissive — “bottom” maybe, but not full-blown submissive. She is a Feminist and BDSM sub — no problems there whatsoever. And on top of these personal preferences… I prefer the RACK BDSM lifestyle more than the generic forms. Litmus test Coup de grâce coming up! Hah! More like a litmus lab, right?

Not only does she love to dance, even be the center of attention on a dance floor, she loves and knows all about 98% of all music styles and genres I love too! In public she is clearly extroverted, loves meeting new people and carries on conversations with anyone, any type, any subject — obviously very intelligent. Why? She graduated with her post-doctorate degree, duh! And hedonism and Bohemia are her little home playgrounds! I share my 20-points on Soul Mates/Twin Flames with her. Later that evening she lets me know she’s read it, all of it, agrees with all of it, and goes one step further:  “At least 18-19 of them are us.” I couldn’t argue. She was right. Astonished and geeked didn’t begin to describe how my world was spinning in overdrive.

At that point I’m thinking the SM 101 – Negotiation Forms (by Jay Wiseman) will be the crushing reality check. There’s not much that won’t get revealed about each other after some 200-275 explicit questions. It does not leave too much to the imagination; everything is covered! We exchanged our SM-Forms with each other, and about halfway through the first page, I thought I was reading MY SM-Form! I moved on to page two and yes, our completed forms were essentially identical! We both like most of the same kinks, to the same degrees, and both want to explore a lot more. And the voracious timidless turbo-charged sexuality? Pffft, not an issue whatsoever. I am blown away! She once asked me “Do you have a survelliance camera in my head and heart!?” I could’ve easily asked her the same thing. This had now become (for both of us) some freaky-scary weird shit. Time to pullout the Coup de grâce.

About 6-7 weeks later, “Have you had a chance” I asked her, “to read all of my Dark Encounters/BDSM blog-posts as well as the latest one?” Around 2:00 or 3:00 AM that next morning she writes:

I just finished your blog post. You know what I think each time I’m reading one of “these” from you? I keep saying in my head… he is a fucking genius. A GENIUS. And I also think ANY woman who is fortunate enough to have you plan something like these scenarios for her, is the LUCKIEST DAMN WOMAN IN THE WORLD!!! Those are the exact thoughts I hear when I am reading ANY of these blogs from the BDSM section of your page. I mean… DAMN.

nameless_pleasures_by_skehrkrowAnd I can go a step further, but I don’t want to freak you out… so I’ll just say this… I am HONORED to be your LD sub right now and for what I hope will be a long, LONG TIME (well, I’m hoping that LD part goes away real soon)!

WHAT would have “freaked me out”??? What could possibly freak me out by you going a step further???

What I meant by that was this… I have always been drawn to the balance between MALE and FEMALE, the dynamics between them and how beautifully they work TOGETHER and BALANCE each other. I can see us maximizing that dynamic… and I would SO LOVE to be the focus of your writings… both of us… how we are TOGETHER, how we BALANCE each other.

YES! I would have you Guest write as well. I want SO MANY MORE female voices there on my blog! But… WHAT would freak me out?

I just see us being such a beautiful thing, and I think your writing is so eloquent… the two combined would be so magnificent

POWERFUL? IMPACTFUL? You and I together want to FREE UP people from their fears & imbalances!?


Help GUIDE THEM to EMPOWER themselves!!!?

Seeing OUR balance, equality… just, you and I being a TEAM, in that respect…

[several minutes pass with no messages…]

Are you typing up a lot… peeing for the 100th time… or thinking a long long time?

And I guess what I meant by that…

Come on… SAY IT!!!! – wink & laugh –

…some sort of connection being YOUR sub… even long distance being YOURS.
I’m not peeing for the 100th time!!!

Ok… for the 97th time!

I just want to be YOUR PARTNER in it all… BAD!!! I am BESIDE myself with this!

Oh oh! -wink-

Come take advantage of me…

veils_by_cunninghand(line break)
I so TOTALLY WOULD if I had the SLIGHTEST CHANCE there!!!!!



yes I am…

As I am…after you! I will make you give ALL OF YOURSELF UP TO ME!!!!

I already have!!!! As much as I can… before surrendering to you physically.

“And there it is.”

two-timeI have no more litmus tests except time. I don’t exactly know what to make of this now. I know there is no use denying what has been going on in my mind and heart, on the phone live, in emails, in chat, since the end of June. Everything, I mean everything with her/us is effortless. She says she can’t deny it either; impossible. She has her wish, or at least one of many — she requested I write this post and publish it. So what is the purpose? What is the meaning? Do we ever figure it out completely, perfectly, all the time? Should we? What sort of lives would we have if everything and everyone was always predictable? Mostly predictable? Barely predictable? Never predictable?

You tell me, if you can, the meaning.

(paragraph break)

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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