Status Update

Several of you might be curious as to my delay in posting the 4-part conclusion to Black Underworld Inc. I am glad to say the conclusion is over three-quarters finished. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately depending on who you are 😉 and your preferred tastes of blog-subjects, I have been beset by several simultaneous life, family, and other related significant occurrences and their ripple-effects. Obviously, these have made several inevitable interruptions and postponement to the finish of this 4-part series and any other blog-posts of late I had intended to tackle, compose, and publish. This is the quick explanation.

Thank you all for your patience, inquiries, concerns, etc. I do foresee a respite of these events and their consequences in the near future. But I can not say with any precision when it might be—as Robert Frost candidly puts it, In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. And I am not a psychic or fortune-teller. There could very well be more unexpected curve-balls and shenanigans that the infamous Murphy and his law firm of sinister pranksters have in store for me. I hope not.

There are some gremlins too that I know could arrive at my doorstep, through unlocked windows or hatches, tunnels, ventilation pipes, or by phone… IF particular events and circumstances beyond my control went left, right, up, or down and at a particular time. Inopportune times too! Hah! I’d imagine this is exactly what an insurance underwriter wrestles with and considers daily:  damage control and minimization of risk/exposure. Can’t you just hear him punching his adding machine and the clah-clicks tallying totals as the paper-roll moves across the floor?

Bah! So that’s the polite short of it.

I am still here. Until that day or evening of some respite, please do check your new blog notifications for the Professor. I shall return as soon as all my escaped circus animals are located, returned, and settled back to normal… whatever is considered “normal.” 😛

Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Here! Not There!

Such events as follows are occurring with increased and unwelcome frequency.
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Evidence Log, Entry #1

The Towel & Tissue Thief

APB – The Towel & Tissue Thief

It started out like any other shower routine. Being very aware of personal hygiene, I have a list of specific items inside the shower. Those items never leave, never move from within the shower. I may not use every single item every time, but unless the item is empty or past its lifespan and being replaced, those items must remain in place! Despite the perfection going on in and around my shower, imperfection manages to agonize me at the most inopportune times. He his known to most as Murphy, that sinister force from the familiar adage. He has never been a figment of my imagination. He is quite real and torments us all! For the aged, he is the Prince of Perverse and he has somehow removed my towel!

Evidence Log, Entry #2
It started out like any other bathroom routine. Your body tells you beyond any sort of confusion that it is time to relieve yourself soon. It will not be a quick trip, so you look forward to quality reading material. Over the years this chair-of-delight has become a tranquil happy time of intellectual stimulation. It is not to be rushed. For a man’s man like me, it is truly one of life’s simplest pleasures. As the end nears, you glance over to the tissue dispenser… and it sits empty; just cardboard. The Thief of Tissue has struck once again. To make matters less than dignifying, premeditation has placed the new rolls either across the expansive room in the cabinets opposite, or in a completely separate room where willing assistance must be hailed several times, putting one at a distinct disadvantage. Then I realize I am the only one in the house, thanks be to the fairies of embarrassment.

Entry #3

APB - Oger of Odor

APB – Oger of Odor

It started out like any other suit-and-tie engagement. The tables were set with several pieces of fine china and silverware with two different drinking glasses in front. The occasion was grande, but the temperature unusually warm. Of the hundreds of guest, you know only the bride or groom on a personal basis, and they are overly detained. To avoid being a prude you meet and chat with total strangers. After a few awkward moments you realize that in your haste to be on-time, you completely forgot to apply deodorant. Ahh, the Oger-of-Odor is unexpectedly making his entrance. Later the bride and groom ask guests where you’re hiding, and one answer is always the answer: “He is outside; the one with arms folded.

Entry #4
It started out like any other trip to the store. You hear a yelp from the bathroom vanity. Because there is no time and she is undressed, your wife or girlfriend has asked you to run quickly and purchase eyeliner. But not just any eyeliner; velvet-black glide-on pencil eyeliner with an unrepeatable French name in the .05 oz length. Not the liquid kind with the Italian name, the glide-on pencil kind; not the cream, not eyeshadow, and it must be black, not midnight blue… and a can of condensed milk for the caramel flan. I’m already friggin stressed and I haven’t even walked out the door. Makeup challengeGod knows what my pulse will be inside the store. Murphy damn sure knows because I hear him laughing. After staring at the cosmetic display for 20-minutes paralyzed, I go find a Cosmopolitan. She can help me! And yes, I purposely called her that name. Before my face could turn blue from no breath, I list the U.N. conditions of this eyeliner that must be found and purchased. Through process of elimination, the patiently humored store-clerk rings me up. I am so relieved she helped and proud as a peacock that I am delivering exactly what she wanted! With a huge smile on my face and the suavest of suave walks, I give her the coveted prize. “Did you get the can of condensed milk?” Complete and utter deflation followed by several unrecognizable cuss-words. The Murphy-of-Makeup had bitten me again.

Entry #5

APB - The Card & Keys Duo

APB – The Card & Keys Duo

It started out like any other backup plan. Since I don’t need my credit or debit card while in the house, I thought why not just leave them in the car. That’s the only time I really need them with me: when I’m driving to spend money to go further in debt, or to get gas. The plan is wittingly put into action. One cold late Sunday evening, I am walking out the door to the car to attend a good friend’s birthday party. I’m excited about going. I will know most everyone there; a fun comfortable group where everyone has a great sense of humor. I quick-step-it to my car, reach into my pocket and find nothing. No car keys. I do an about-face, get to the front door… locked. That door key is on the key ring with the car keys. I am not only locked out of my car, I am also locked out of my house. The window I usually leave unlocked for exactly this reason is now locked because I forgot to unlock it weeks earlier when window-washing. With no other quick choices available to avoid missing the entire party forty-minutes away, I call an after-hours locksmith, to go further in debt. Describing my situation and location, the dispatcher mentions he needs a credit card over the phone to guarantee against a cancelled trip out. Under my breath come familiar unrecognizable cuss-words. “Excuse me?” says the dispatcher. I apologize to him and humbly admit where my wittingly placed credit/debit card is located. He chuckled. The Criminals-of-Cards-n-Keys had struck again.

Entry #6

APB - close likeness of the Devil-of-Direction

APB – close likeness of the Devil-of-Directions

It started out like any other conversation in the car. The weekend road trip would take us to a much-needed retreat about 80-miles west of hectic DFW. We had plenty of time to talk about anything. The trip had basically two turns, off of and onto two different highways. That’s it! My then girlfriend and I had no difficulties whatsoever talking about anything and everything under the Sun or Moon. When we disagreed, it inevitably made us laugh. It was one of those relationships that never seemed to have an ending. But then it did; in several different unsuspecting ways. She noticed the sign we just passed had said “Thackerville, Oklahoma 21 miles.” I asked her, isn’t Wizard Wells (the name of the retreat) in Texas? Bursting into laughter, we realized our turn west was over 60-miles behind us. I thought you were navigating!? Comically astounded she fired back, “I thought you were driving!?” We knew all too well both of us could not talk and drive at the same time. The two of us did not belong in the same car: trouble. The Devil-of-Directions had committed a double-homicide, again!

Entry #7

Common misnomer - Height does not equal force. It equals time.

Common misnomer – Height does not equal force. It equals time.

It started out like any other little league baseball tournament with my son. Group play of two or three games, then the playoff round in the evening with the championship tomorrow. It is a full-day and weekend at the sports complex. Like most good pro-experienced fathers we want to impart to our sons our vast knowledge of the game and life. Those coaching tips are very important. I have absolutely no experience of playing baseball to speak of but the tips should be given with the least amount of interruption, even when needing to go to the bathroom between games. We trot over to the Men’s side of the building and belly up to the Little Man’s and Big Man’s urinals. As we stand there, I tell my son how quick he must think and how quick he must move and throw in certain game situations. He listens keenly filling his urinal with the voraciousness of Niagara Falls! Mine, on the other hand, is silent. My son finishes, zips his pants, rebuckles his belt, and stands there listening to my wisdom. Meanwhile, my urinal FINALLY starts to sound like a dainty Victorian tea-party with tiny cups. He really wants to get back out to the diamond. I see it in his face. I hear it in the tapping of his cleats as well as the here-and-gone-oh-here trickle in my urinal. I think we’re both thinking the same thing. The words, do as I say not as I do come to mind, but it seemed too blatant, too common. It probably wouldn’t achieve the correct lesson. Humbled, I paused a moment for my own wisdom and my not-so-quick plumbing… “Go ahead son, I’ll catch-up” …knowing full well I never would. The Poacher-of-Peeing was pillaging and caught me again damn it!

Entry #8
It started out like any other steamy erotic bedroom scene. Hah! Are you kidding? You think I’m going to share those embarrassing moments!? I’m aging, but not foolish…

…yet.
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It has become increasingly clear, no… let me rephrase that to reflect reality. I need a reminder-list to find my To Do list. I need a damn checklist for all the lists and reminders for reminders! Murphy’s diabolical ominous horizon is no longer “out there.” It’s here! I am no longer Ringmaster of my circus. The ever jovial Murphy has usurped my throne. He has taken my kingdom and my sword and replaced them with Geritol, Metamucil, and a walker.

Release clause:  Sorry, for now that’s an exaggeration, but frustratingly less untrue.

No, Murphy-time is not on the horizon lurking, he’s HERE today. He isn’t in the distance or knocking anymore, he has found the hidden key and made himself at home! He is a persistent mad-man. And even though I have brilliantly perfected counter-measures of reverse psychology, like losing or forgetting to put on my pants, or putting on different colored socks, I can’t seem to shake Murphy like I use to or as much. He has become less a figment and more a nimble gnat I swat from my ears and nostrils.

I seem to have misplaced my Anti-Murphy repellant, again. My bifocals — check to see if they’re on or off my head — can’t seem to find the right horizon either, nor the damn wall in front of me.

Please, if anyone cares to join my circus, your own self-incriminating comments below are indeed welcomed!

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Live Well — Love Much — Laugh Often — Learn Always

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Out of Step

optical-illusions-2Ever had those mornings or days when you say to yourself “I should really just go back to bed so I don’t hurt myself”?  For awhile it has felt like things have been strangely out of alignment to me.  It seems Murphy (of the firm Murphy’s Law, EDC, not LLC) is tagging around causing mischief and maniacally giggling with each train wreck.  Or lately, no matter how hard I try my words and meaning come out of my mouth and head having disaster woven in everywhere.  People look at me like I’m from outer space.  Oh, and EDC stands for Excessive Disaster Creation.

That is what my last several days have felt like.  So I have decided to just let Murphy have the stage and blog about it – get it over and give everyone else a few laughs at my expense and “his” warped gain.

Have you had any of these moments happen to you?  I already know the answer; don’t answer that.  I have had many laughs at others’ misfortune or embarrassments so I guess it’s my turn.  I am a BIG fan of raw and open, and so to be candid, most all of them have happened to me too.  Sometimes they come in bunches, other times they come in tidal waves.  Always I am reminded just how infrequently often I need to be humbled relative to my rather enormous healthy ego.  Images are not necessarily connected to protect the innocent and reflect the theme.

Accolades of Sir Murphy

That didn t go as plannedWhy paper coffee-filter companies’ pack all their filters to sub-atomic compactness so that one needs a microscopic-robotic surgeon’s tweezers to separate just one – when 5 a.m. dexterity doesn’t begin operating until at least 9 or 10 a.m. without coffee – is certainly one of Murphy’s doings!

A party memo lost…or lost in translation:  The birthday person and guest-of-honor walks-in for their surprise party and everyone simply yell surprise but you begin singing happy birthday…out of pitch; everyone stares awkwardly at you.  Yep, Murphy’s doing.

Your new romantic partner introduces you to their parents, including grandparents, and you greet the mother as the grandmother while she then gives you the death-stare and a very limp hesitant handshake like you have leprosy.  Murphy.

This is a popular Murphy trick:  rushing out to your car with coffee mug in one hand, office work, lunch or briefcase/purse in the other hand, put something down on the roof to open the door, get in, drive, and at the nearest or next to the nearest red-light you break to a stop; objects on your car roof come tumbling down the windshield, hood, and front-bumper and startled, you scream/jump, probably dropping your cell phone on the floor.  Several cars are behind you and the light turns green.  Definitely Murphy!

murphyslaw_beaverYou and some coworkers are out to lunch.  Sharing jokes with everyone, one particular joke goes over your head.  Extremely relieved that another one says they don’t get it, you still don’t get the explanations.  Everyone begins talking about the joke, and then one of your coworkers asks why you’ve become so quite.  Damn it Murphy!

Do I need to go into the reliability of vending machines?  Enough said.

When my son was four and five years old, he used to love running at me for a hug and to be picked up.  After the first three sprints to Dad, I painfully quickly learned to bend my knees and bend over to salvage what was left of my impacted testicles.  Murphy…in a very warped way.  Don’t ask me how some of our father-son baseball batting lessons have gone — my son has a very quick swing!

You are on a first or second date with the one you perceive a long happy future with while taking a stroll in a public park.  You’ve spent the entire day/evening trying to impress them.  Now you must find a toilet rather soon, in order to sit…for awhile.  With Cupid’s incessant harp and barrage of arrows, you have failed to check the stall or bathroom for any type of soft paper-products to finish your private business.  Nothing, nowhere; anywhere!  Just outside the door he/she asks if you are alright.  What will your answer be?  What action will you take?  Where the hell is Murphy!?  Do women always carry inside their huge purses toilet papers or wipes?

When you are certain the world is not right.

When you are certain the world is not right.

Many think that hidden keys are for those expected visitors or family to enter through a door.  Absolutely not!  They are for me and that unwelcomed jerk Murphy.  I have spare keys everywhere; on, in and under my car or the RV, two or three around the house/apartment, and one or two for work.  I got tired of locking myself out at gas stations, RV parks, home, or work…especially after hours…waiting on building security or worse, your boss.  I keep out myself more than I’ve EVER kept out robbers, salesmen, or nosy family members.  And some damn windows, always the lowest ones, are indeed impenetrable!

And then there are those weeks when Murphy is having a fricking July 4th gag-party with me with fireworks and Tchaikovsky playing.  During those times with my glum face of defeat, I’ve played this song at least 30-times…

Do you have a Murphy’s war story to share?  Rather than laughing at myself I would love to laugh at someone else for a change…please!

 

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P.S.  Once I’ve passed through this temporary off-kilter wacky phase I’m in, I will quickly return to my other pleasures and perspectives of social-lifestyles, history, humor, science, religious intolerances, etc.  Thank you all for your patience.  I am more than ready to be rid of Murphy and his menacing jokers, believe me!

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Live Laugh Love

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