Yes, Believe It or Not I’m Married!

Many didn’t think it would happen. Hell, I didn’t think it would happen. I had accepted the real possibility that I would live out my life single, unmarried, with no Soul Mate until my last breath. Alone. Then the Universe decided to throw me a lit stick of dynamite last summer and fall and I could not put the fuse out!

Sandy’s genealogy and heritage is Irish (Lyle) and Scottish (Stewarts). I like Celtic and Gaelic culture even though I am definitely Franco-German (Bonet/Bonnet on maternal side, Konzack-Miller on paternal side). We both love silver, not gold. Perfecto!

🧨BOOM! As Sandy and I reconnected more and more every third day, then every other day, then every single day/night multiple times, laughing with each other non-stop that my face-cheeks would begin hurting and my ribs sore, we began to talk on deeper levels. It had always been super easy to communicate together. We have known each other as the best of friends (only) for just over 45-years!

Sandy was my very first therapist after my father’s suicide in July 1990. Sandy was married to her first husband then, of 12-years. I was too busy being a hot metrosexual man, 😈😉semi-pro footballer, while working toward my master’s degree in counseling and therapy, exactly what Sandy finished doing in early 1990. However, Dad’s suicide change everything. My whole world was upside down for the next three or four years. I moved back to Dallas, Texas. Sandy moved to Atlanta, Georgia, and we lived our separate lives, but always staying in touch; and yes, always laughing together.

By late November 2024 everything was falling perfectly into place for us. We discussed many times how convenient it would be to get married and both of us not be alone, dying single. She’s 62 (March 29th) and I am 62 (January 4th), three months her senior. She doesn’t like it when I bring that up. 😄 Sandy is quite independent, self-confident always, articulates her thoughts and feelings exceptionally well, and has a fabulous sense of humor and quick wit. My Mom absolutely adores her and Sandy loves Mom since she has lost both her parents. It all just made sense. There was no point in putting it off any longer. Justice of the Peace William “Bill” Ragsdale of Kerr County married us. He made the disastrous mistake of calling Sandy, Sandra, as her legal name and driver’s license read. JoP Ragsdale therefore made a Johnny-on-the-Spot, special adjustment to our marital vows:

We both chuckled every time he said, “Bubba.”

As the legal document indicates, we were husband and wife at 3:23pm CST, August 8, 2025.

Now comes the big, big move for her from Chattanooga, Tennessee, next month and her storage unit filled with all her furniture from her two-story house when she was married—all of it very nice and beautiful furniture and two queen beds, etc. Ugh. 🙄 But honestly, I don’t see any of this being difficult, overly stressful, or untimely. As a matter of fact, in the 45-years we’ve been great friends we have not had one single fight, not even a little spat! This amazes us both, but it is so because we are both excellent, articulate communicators with non-aggressive, pro-positive verbal exchanges without sacrificing brutal honesty. This has always been our best talent/gift together from day one in August 1981. 😍😁

Both of us are excited and looking forward to our lives together full of fun, laughter, and perfect, affectionate communication, the cornerstone of any healthy, long-term relationship and marriage. ❣️💞 😁

The Professor’s Convatorium © 2023 by Professor Taboo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

An Alzheimer’s & Family Update

Some of you may have noticed that I have been around our blogging community less, perhaps noticeably less. You would be right. That has been the case for some 3-5 months now, I’m unsure really. Here’s why… well, several reasons why.

Life. And…

Immediate family, specifically my Early Alzheimer’s Mom and unfortunately and negatively my 61-year old sister.

Mom

Much of what I’ve been having to do to care full-time/overtime 14-16/7 hrs. per day, 365-days the past near four years for my Mom has been covered in these previous three blog-posts: Click here for the first post, then the 2nd and 3rd are all linked together after.

No surprise, she has declined a little more since my last Alzheimer update-post in November 2023. Hence, my free-time to write blogs, comment on blogs I follow, or explore new blogs I’d enjoy has gone by the wayside to this present day.

Mom has now reached the point where cognitively and physically she cannot and/or is unable to help me do anything at all around our apartment. None of the daily or weekly chores for both our bedrooms, the bathrooms, the tub/shower, cleaning the kitchen daily 2-4 times per day, preparing two meals a day, all the grocery weekly/bi-weekly shopping and pharmacy trips, vacuuming and mopping of the apartment, caring for all the plants inside and outside as well as my herb garden outside—all of which are dead now and most are dead inside—and the chauffeuring to quarterly or biannual doctor appointments; she no longer drives.

Regarding my hard work on my herb garden, roses, and gorgeous geraniums outside last year, this past summer, autumn, and now winter has been utterly brutal on all outdoor plants/gardens. In the summer last year we had one of the worst infestations of huge tan-brown-green grasshoppers that devoured everyone’s plants. Some huge grasshoppers were at least 4-inches long. Extreme boiling temps in the day and extreme frigid temps at night doomed my 2024 efforts. On top of this unmitigated garden disaster, for 8-days straight I was so deathly ill I could not get out of bed, ever. I struggled bad to walk to the bathroom. I never ate during those 8-days. Consequently, all the indoor and outdoor plants suffered horribly.

One of my top priorities this late January is reapplying for her Long-Term Medicaid assistance for her eventual admittance into a full-time Assisted Living Memory Care facility where here in the central Hill Country of Texas are all extremely expensive, between $4,800/mon. to $7,300/mon. Most are private pay only. I must get assistance for this third reapplication as I learned the hard way last year—by ending up in the hospital for four nights back in late June—by a Medicare family consultant to guarantee that Mom gets approved. She does incredible work and has tons of experience in this hyper-complicated politicized out-tha-whaa-zoo process here in Texas. That was part of the reason why I ended up in the hospital with serious heart and stress-hypertension problems.

Concluding with Mom I have this comparison…

I was a stay-at-home Dad when my son was an infant until he turned two and my daughter at the time was 7- to 8-years old in elementary school. In 1999-2001 I was the stay-home parent during the day when their mother (my ex-wife now) was at her 8-9 hr. job in downtown Dallas. We lived at that time in a nice starter home in Carrollton, Texas. When she returned from work, and I had dinner ready and homework done, I went to my graveyard shift security guard job at 7:00pm until 7:00am the next morning. I did this for 18-months. By far the hardest jobs I have EVER had in my life!

Now, since August 2021, I am caring for—for all intents and purposes—my last 4-year old child… Mom. Literally. The huge difference, however, between my stay-home-Dad days/nights and right now since August 2021 is that I have been and still am “A One Man Show and Bad Dance.” Back in my married months/year I at least had a wife-partner and parent. Not this go round. This is harder than those 18-months, much harder. The “end” of this rough go will eventually be very different.

My Sister and Her 48-Year “Disease”

As a footnote to my header up top, my sister now weights over 275 lbs., not that weight in the Xmas 2014 picture. And that is the least health problems she has at present.

My 61-year old sister is also a Schizoid-affective Bipolar of about 25-30 years with regular bouts of very manic behavior. She is also a 48-year drug addict and alcoholic. And she also has poor judgement, cognition, and temperament or composure in stressful environments, all due in part to her psychiatric diagnoses. She is also presently on about 6-7 various psych meds daily. There’s the introductory details of what I must often help with, manage, or try to stop the hemorrhaging, as it were, when she has a psychotic meltdown.

On October 9th through October 17th, 2024, she had a major meltdown on me that involved her calling the police department on me—for a 2nd time that year, first in Feb. 2024—and became physically violent toward me inside Mom’s and my apartment almost breaking down or through my locked bedroom door. However, this was after her public meltdown with me at Western Union inside the local Walmart. If you are not familiar with psychiatric-psychologically dysfunctional people with a long, long history of disorders, eight prior felonies, prior addresses of residence that include over 25 Halfway Houses & Shelters, homeless 3-4 times under highway overpasses, and a long list of low-wage jobs that are longer than an encyclopedia… then just believe me when I say this: During those breakdowns/meltdowns, it is pure chaos and a rollercoaster of manic behavior sometimes lasting for over 10-12 hours without medication or in some cases until she is arrested by law-enforcement.

Then also imagine the stress, distress, crying, and emotional exhaustion she puts my elderly Mom through each episode, and you have a slight glimpse of what Mom and I have dealt with since 1978.

Should any of you wish to read the email (Page 1 click here, pg. 2 click here, short pg. 3 click here) I had to send to my sister about this latest 9-day/night psychotic meltdown on me—she was impossible to speak with civilly or maturely and logically those days and nights that I had to get a hotel room 2-nights when she wouldn’t leave Mom’s apartment—so consequently we have yet to speak to each other either in person or by phone or text message. She’s been and still being a royal, immature, asshole to me over a situation I had no control over whatsoever. As is often the case with arguing family members, the initial issue and subsequent meltdown at Walmart had to do with money, her portion of money Mom said she could have from the sale of Mom’s 2007 Toyota Avalon XL Sedan that I had completed after 4-months listed, all by myself, on Oct. 5th, 2024 for $7,600. The rest of the insanity is available via the “click here” links above.

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Therefore, the moral of my quick post here is that my “free-time” has been slipping further away the last 8-26 months as Mom continues to decline, my workload in everything around here increases because I have zero help—with the small exception of Mom’s professional hospice team that visits 3-times a week for 30-40 minutes at most, not on weekends or holidays—and my sister with her horribly shitty attitude and refusal to help out with Mom, much less help me with Mom with anything simple… just eats up every bit of every day now. And it doesn’t appear to be changing anytime soon.

My apologies my friends and followers. It is the hand of cards I’ve been delt for the moment. 🤷‍♂️

The Professor’s Convatorium © 2023 by Professor Taboo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

Our Brains & Pastor J. Waits

Over the last week or more I have been engaging in dialogue with a pastor in Charlotte, North Carolina who pastors at an evangelical fundamentalist Baptist church. He also blogs on WordPress to further proselytize or evangelize his own world-view to a small audience of followers.

This post will address our somewhat lengthy engagements of opposing world-views on one specific post on his blog, as well as my expansions on what simply could not be sufficiently addressed on his blog in long, long comment threads. I am very certain that his small number of followers/readers, some of whom are members of his Baptist church, got extremely bored with the in-depth conversations and Scriptural theological debates we had and simply tuned out. Those discussions will get lost and buried completely in his never-ending blog-posts, never really reaching his audience’s objective minds.

But that’s modern social-media, is it not? And that is modern attention spans on the internet, is it not? Hence, my needed blog-post here… to say the many things and point out the further details that Pastor Jonathan Waits willingly refused to seriously consider. He had already decided how he would respond BEFORE our dialogue even started. If that isn’t narrow bias, then I don’t know what biasness means at all.

Our Brains & Environment Form Our Identities

Before I dive into this fascinating, heavily studied neuroscience of our human brains and the environment we often choose to experience much or most of our life, I asked Pastor Jonathan Waits what his family, educational, and occupational backgrounds entailed. This was his response:

During our somewhat lengthy dialogue about his current world-view versus mine (Secular, Freethinking Humanist), he really struggled badly trying to understand, to grasp my perspective and world-view and why I deconverted from Christianity and the ministry and missions in 1991. He just could not find a way in his brain to relate to me and my life experiences. It was stunning really, but not uncommon.

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Inside every head of every human, and inside every residence on Earth is the most complex object we have discovered in the Universe: the human brain. That marvel of biology in the cranium might seem alien to us at first, but the fact is… it is us. For our entire lives hundreds of billions and billions and billions of cells have quadrillions and quadrillions of electrical synapses firing trillions of trillions of signals every second of ever minute of our entire life. For many decades (hopefully) those gooey electrical sparks make up all that we experience in life as “us.”

Billions upon billions of neural synapses in the human brain firing trillions of trillions of signals every second of our entire life

So what shapes who you become? Answer: It is about how your life/environment shapes your brain and how your brain shapes your life.

For a few millenia humankind believed a soul or a spirit, something more than mere matter, made up who you were in life. Today, that is no longer the case. Extensively understanding our identities in-depth can only be done by understanding that 3 lbs. organ in our head.

When any of us are first born we are born helpless. However, we are born with adaptable brains. For about the next two years our brains are unfinished, so human babies are born much more dependent than other mammals who are often born able to walk, swim, or stand just minutes or hours after birth. Not human babies. And yet, after those first two years of learning the very basics of our immediate environment, our infant and toddler brains allow us to develop and make neural connections based on the child’s environment. This biological and physiological strategy has made human beings one of the most adaptable and malleable species on the planet so that we can first survive, then hopefully thrive, based on our immediate and extended environment(s).

Since at least August 1966 with Charles Whitman up inside the University Texas Tower, Austin, TX, but really going back to 1885 with Sigmund Freud, humans have learned that our survival and our growth (or death) and life experiences are just as dependent on our individual brains (or brain tumors as with Whitman, 1966) as they are on our environment(s). We cannot escape the two forces, ever. Life wires up the human brain with few or many experiences in order to adapt, survive, die and/or thrive in most of Earth’s and our familial environments and then tune it up on the fly, on the job. It’s really that simple.

Developing newborn and infant brains

A newborn’s brain has the same number of neurons as an adult. However, after those first two years the neurons are quickly forming newer connections relative to their environment. This continues well into adolescence and young adulthood. By that time the developing young brain’s neuron connections have more than quadrupled—as many as 2-4 million new connections every day—by their mid-30’s all relative to that individual’s environment(s), i.e. life experiences, AND how their brain developed genetically in the womb.

After year two we become who we are not by growth or new neurons created, but by pruning back or removing what is unnecessary in order to survive, adapt, and hopefully thrive. We learn how to make our life and identity happy and happier according to our individual brains and endocrine systems; all very influenced by our immediate and (slightly?) extended environments. The field of neuroscience confirms this consistently in many case studies for a minimum of the last six decades around the world.

Our conscious experiences in life are guided NOT by monism, or even by binary constructs, but by a plethora of pluralism. Everything around us on this planet, and including all humans, is evidenced by immeasurable pluralism to the point our brains struggle with the possibilities. This is also true beyond our planet. To cope, many of us prune down or toss out entirely what is perceived as unnecessary, or harmful, or even lethal… in their own brain based upon their past and/or present environment and individual life experiences. The neural connections go from being universal to very specific of your narrowing and immediate environment(s). Our brains are wired up by our immediate or slightly extended environment. After all, we don’t know, we can’t experience what we don’t know or haven’t ever experienced.

But the outside world that forms our brain and identity is a gamble. The outside influences of our family, our immediate environment doesn’t always give the healthy stimulus our brains crave.

The Jensen Family of Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Americans Bill and Carol Jensen adopted three Romanian biologically related babies aged 4 from a poorly staffed and horrible, over filled Romanian orphanage.

During the collapse and fall of Nicolae Ceaușescu’s reign of terror from 1968 to 1989 he had created over 170,000 Romanian children orphaned by his rampant ethical cleansing throughout the country. Bill’s and Carol’s adopted Romanian children in 1996 became John, Tom, and daughter Victoria. They did not have names in the orphanage just numbers. Dr. and Professor Charles A. Nelson III of Harvard Medical School describes what it was like walking through these Romanian orphanages:

Did these small children’s behavior go beyond mere distress, neglect, and lack of human contact? Did all of this combine to physically structure their brains? Young human brains need lots of stimulus to develop. It seeks out information and experiences. If they do not receive it or don’t receive a healthy amount of diverse experiences and information, then the young brain does not know how to get wired up and developed for survival, much less to thrive. Those kids in institutions result in adult IQ’s in the 60’s and 70’s. That is terribly low for modern life and humanity. They also develop secondary, ripple-effect emotional-behavioral problems such as severe attachment or detachment issues, and show all the signs of an underdeveloped brain and EEG activity very reduced.

What many neuroscientists found along with Dr. Charles A. Nelson was that children from orphanages placed into a nurturing family before the age of two generally recovered normally. However, children placed in nurturing families after the age of two their brain development was significantly compromised or severely delayed. What do these tests and case studies reveal to us?

The answer is straight forward: the lack of diverse experiences throughout one’s developmental and adult stages leads to the human brain not wiring correctly, especially for a 20th– or 21st-century shrinking globe. As a result, the brain doesn’t receive diverse sufficient experiences, diverse sufficient information over an extended period of time to know how best to wire itself. No debate.

Dr. Nelson’s work clearly revealed that when the human brain is starved of input, of many diverse inputs it needs to fully develop, the development is stunted and ill-equipped to manage a never-ending changing, evolving diverse world, both in the human and animal kingdoms as well as in nature. The Romanian-born Jensen kids still have emotional and learning disabilities from neglect in the orphanage more than 25-years later as adults.

What we individual humans and brains experience in our younger adolescence (hormones) and young 20’s or earliest 30’s goes a long way in who we become. Those youthful years are right on schedule for a more refined/refining, changing brain. But again, this is only half the story of our human brain.

The Genetic Blueprint from Generational & One’s (In)Experience

A neuroscientific experiment called the Look At Me in a glass windowed shop on a busy street reveals compellingly how the teenage brain is wired differently than our adult brains. When adults were placed in the shop window with pedestrians stopping to stare, their heart-rates, sweat glands, and facial expressions almost never changed from before the curtain was drawn open. However, when teenagers were placed in the shop window, all monitored physical responses spiked significantly. Dr. Sanjay Gupta explains in this quick 20-minute podcast:

Basically, the big difference between a teenage, early 20’s brain and an adult brain over 30-years is the area of the brain called the medial prefrontal cortex. This area becomes active when you think about yourself, especially the emotional situation to yourself. As one grows from child to adolescence, the activity in this cortex rises peaking around 15-years of age. This is what Pastor Jonathan Waits experienced from (his own words above) 8-years old until he was a teenager surrounded by Baptist friends, family, and church members all his life. His (narrow, confined?) social involvements carried a ton of weight for him.

In most adults this response in the prefrontal cortex is modest. But in teenagers and young adults it causes intensified emotions which go into overdrive. The result is often or sometimes a high stress emotion that can greatly change the teenager’s or young adult’s life for a very long time. This is what happens to most all teenagers and young adults, including Pastor Jonathan Waits.

It isn’t simply about self-consciousness, the development of the teen and young adult brain has other consequences as well. That can include poor impulse control (temptation in theological terms), risk taking (un-Christ-like behavior), and distorted coping skills (Satan?). It has been repeatedly found in neurological studies over the decades that most of the dramatic changes of our brains have finished, but even beyond our 20’s our brains can still undergo radical physical transformations.

Reshaping Our Genetic Adult Brains

Derek O’Reilly of the Knowledge Point School, Ltd., in London, UK is the Training Master of all Black Cabs in London proper. It takes his students at least four years to complete the memory recall and pass certification for a license to drive throughout a 642 radius mile area, 24,000 streets and roads, and 50,000+ places of interest to be quickly recalled for all eventual Black Cab drivers in London. This is by far one of the world’s most difficult feats of memorization to complete.

Black Taxis wait in London, June 2014. By law, the drivers of London’s black cabs must memorize all of the city’s streets, a process that takes years of study.

This trade school’s testing and licensing of drivers made the rigorous memorization of particular interest for an international group of neurologists. The neurology group was most interested in the part of the brain called the posterior hippocampus of these students. They did brain scans before admission into the school, during training, and after graduation/licensing and found in every case that by the end of their memory-training the posterior hippocampus had literally grown larger. All the mathematical calculations, all the visualization driving, all the simulations of future routes had reshaped their brain anatomy to match their M.O., their task at hand or their personal belief system.

This means who you are and who you will be from an infant to a geriatric is a fluctuating work in progress until your very last breath. Everything we experience throughout our life will alter and structure our brain, unless of course we cower, or limit, or avoid new and different experiences that challenge our intellectual and physical comfort zones. Based on all these life experiences, many or few or none at all, will still mold and wire our brains to some great or small degree over time.

A Taliban Quran school engraining lessons through repeated citations over and over bobbing their heads up and down over their Holy Scriptures

But our brains can also change in ways we have no control over. Ways that can have a terrible impact on our personalities and how we behave socially. Epileptic seizures in young or adult people are a prime common example. Another example are children, teenagers, adults, or the elderly who suffer from a brain tumor, Parkinson’s Disease, Schizophrenia, or any number of neurological physiological disorders or diseases.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, Charles Whitman in August of 1966 had been a model citizen, an Eagle Scout, a former U.S. Marine honorably discharged, working in a bank while studying mechanical engineering at the University of Texas, Austin. Nothing before had ever suggested to any friends, family, or coworkers he was capable of what transpired next. Tragically that summer Whitman wrote letters about murdering his mother, wife, then his mass shooting of students under the UT Tower. Nothing prior ever pointed the UT campus or Austin Police investigators to a disturbing change in his recent personality. What happened?

With his three rifles and some two sidearm pistols, Whitman went up the tower, killed three persons inside, proceeded to the observation deck of the tower, went outside and began opening fire randomly on anyone below. He shot and killed 15 people and wounded 31 in just 96-minutes. The autopsy report later found that Whitman had a nickel-size brain tumor in the amygdala, the part of our brain that regulates fear and aggression. The pressure on Whitman’s amygdala caused a cascading flow of emotions that led him to the tragic senseless violence July 31 and August 1, 1966 which otherwise would be completely out of his previous personality. His brain matter changed and it made him change with it.

Granted the change in Charles Whitman is an extreme case, however, thousands and thousands of neurological research studies around the world since the late 19th-century show repeatedly that how our brain is developed does indeed form who we are and become in large or small degrees. Our neural networks and how they are structured make up a large part of our self-identity and our social identity. It is inescapable.

The Primary Link of It All: Memory

Brain memory is Central Command of our personality, our identity. It gives our life a unique narrative, one to be expressed, shared, with meaning or purpose unique only to our individual experiences. Unfortunately, human memory is NOT always reliable, not even by the (pre)supposed Gospel copyists/scribes. Whether it was 1st– thru 4th-century humans or 21st-century humans, our brains have not drastically changed in a mere two millenia.

Dr. Elizabeth Loftus of the University California, Irvine

If you try to think back on your 5-year old child memories, then your 13-year old teenage memories, your 27-year old memories, 45-year old memories, 60-year old memories, and perhaps your 80-year old memories, they will link back to a general theme, but neurological studies have repeatedly shown those memories factually change about every decade or less. Why? Because all of our brains have a finite number of neural connections since the age of two. Hence, we prune back or allow to fade the historical memories within weeks/months of our past events for new memories and new replacement neural connections.

Dr. Elizabeth Loftus above conducted another experiment upon 1,000+ volunteer test-subjects to determine whether it is possible to implant entirely false memories into a human’s brain? Her results and other neurologists around the world discovered: well over 65% to 75% of the test-subjects not only embraced false memory implants, but embellished them over time. Humans will weave fantasy and more sensational details into the fabric of who they are as well as those around them and what they may or may not tell you.

Then in 1957 one singular case of human memory and recall revolutionized neuroscience revealing that experiential memory is an integral part of who we become.

Henry G. Molaison 1926–2008

Henry Moliason, or H.M. as he was known by family and friends, was born in Manchester, Connecticut in February 1926. His boyhood was very typical for the time until he turned 10-years old. H.M. began to suffer minor epileptic seizures. By his 16th and 17th birthday the seizures became very severe and more incapacitating. High doses of anti-convulsion meds were no longer effective. When he turned 27 H.M. and his family accepted the then experimental surgery called bilateral medial temporal lobectomy to surgically reset several brain organs to hopefully cure his severe epileptic seizures. Despite the surgery controlling his epilepsy, the side effects removed his ability to construct new memories.

Henry G. “H.M.” Moliason through his teens, twenties, and older

For the remaining 55-years of his life H.M. could never form a single long-term memory. But there was more to his post-surgical condition. Henry was always stuck in the present moment for those last 20,075 days and nights of his life. When asked by doctors during his permanent stay at Bickford Health Care Center, Windsor Locks, CT, “What will you do tomorrow?” Henry would always answer, “Whatever is beneficial” or “I will have to see.” He was unable to recall any actual details of his activities the day before, much less 4-5 days prior. What H.M’s condition revealed for all of our human brains was profound for the field of neuroscience.

The brain regions that underpin memory are the same regions that simulate what is probable or coming next, whether tangible and/or abstract. In other words, the past and the future are creations in our individual brains.

Whoever we think we might be to ourselves and socially is an ongoing narrative. This unique individual and localized social construct starts after age two and continues non-stop until your death. This is where the popular idioms Old habits are hard to break or You can’t teach an old dog new tricks come from. Why? Because of brain degeneration such as dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, or Huntington’s disease as more and more people are living into their 80’s, 90’s, or 100’s. The good news is that through regular physical and mental activities into our elderly geriatric years neural brain networks can be rebuilt or better refined. This is because of Cognitive Reserves.

And now I would like to gradually navigate back toward my recent dialogues with Pastor Jonathan Waits, the Baptist minister in Charlotte, NC.

Meaning of Life vs Self-Meaning

How do the physical cells and neurons in our brains help us/me care about anything in life? Why does consciousness in all of us occur? Throughout your life you will hear, listen, and read as many theoretical explanations as there are stars in the night sky and galaxies in the Cosmos. The question of consciousness is still the greatest unsolved existential mystery of human history. The general question of “meaning” is without doubt still undefined, unanswered. However, we can say with certainty and abundant evidence that the meaning of something to you is completely defined by YOUR web of associations based on your entire history of personal experiences.

Imagine if I showed you a painting of various colors in no particular obvious pattern. Will that conjure up in your mind specific memories and ignite your imaginations? No, not likely. To you it is just a painting of colors with no particular meaning to you. But look at the two images below:

What do these two images mean to you? Do you think they will mean exactly the identical meaning you have to someone else? Why or why not?

The two flags will trigger some sort of meaning that is specific to your personal experiences. However, your experiences will never be precisely identical to someone else’s experiences nor to any number of others who look at the flags. Humans do not perceive or interpret objects as they are we perceive them, interpret them as we are. Every single one of us, including Pastor Jonathan Waits and myself, and all of you are on your specific journey, specific trajectory guided by our generational genetics, our immediate and extended social networks, and our own individual life experiences… whether many or few, wide or narrow, joyous or traumatic, boring or exciting.

As a result, every single human brain has a different neural reality and one that does not and cannot reflect one unified reality. Monism is a human coping mechanism constructed to ease our fears and insecurities about not being in total control. However, the Universe and Cosmos, and Earth itself amply shows through inference and explicitly tangible facts that they do not operate on or require one human’s or a group of humans’ invented Monism.

One of the most popular, widespread human construct of monism since the Bronze, Iron, and Classical Eras is religion’s and their endless plethora of convoluted theological constructs that have either 1) no unifying evidence or 2) very little convincing, compelling collection of evidence. This is no surprise given how the three Abrahamic religions evolved and evolved and changed and changed, some over several millenia of human history, across a vast swath of geographical, cultural, and military events and experiences. Some or many of the storied events changed many times over thousands and thousands of years and some/many which became false narratives, myths, and sensationalized legends or compounded embellishments.

No, the meaning of life and self-meaning is not that complex or confusing at all, not in the end. When “meaning” is understood primarily and/or strictly on an individual’s biological-neurological connections and social networks—tiny, small, large, or immense beyond compare—throughout their own life experiences, only then can one and millions or billions of Earthlings realize that meaning is found best within infinite pluralism as the planet, solar system, universe, and cosmos reflect and repeatedly shows us. This is what I politely and patiently tried to convey to Pastor Jonathan Waits over several days of dialogue. This has been what I always have tried to convey, to show and backup with ample broad evidence to all monistic, theistic faith-believers since 1991-92 the first months of my deconversion from Christianity.

Unfortunately, as I’ve conveyed here and I hope sufficiently, our human brains, such as Pastor Jonathan Waits’ brain or mine and yours, can be deeply programmed in unhealthy ways, in connecting neural pathways, to only perceive reality, his nearby limited reality, in just one way… monism, unbending and inflexible to the point of handicapping a fuller, more wholesome, thrilling life of unimaginable experiences, lessons, and adventures. To further demonstrate what he has done and chosen for many years surrounding himself daily with like-minded sycophants, or people who don’t challenge him or his world-view, but rather echo his world-view, I offer this blog-post. Obviously, Mr. Waits’ chosen tunnel-vision and radical narrow path is not just restrictive, limiting a more whole, sharper brain, but it can easily be defined as unhealthy, even divisive for a species that needs, even demands biologically and socially inclusion rather than exclusion.

An Epilogue

Over on his blog-site I asked Pastor Waits to freely share his background; childhood, teen and young adult background, his educational and occupational background. I was hoping it would be lengthy enough to gain a fair, accurate idea of his life experiences. Whether intentional or not it was resume-like and semi-short. I wanted more extensive background, especially many significant experiences from many continents, many nations, cultures, people and how much time was spent there experiencing different places, people, and events. His answer only told me the probable or implied story of strictly a (limited?) American experience. I have invited him to visit here and maybe change/correct my deduction of him. I hope he accepts.

I, on the other hand, as I share in/under my About menu selection, have had an unbelievable amount of life experiences during my six decades of life and in all sorts of ways and interactions! Every possible life-lesson I have absorbed and cherished has been acquired on four of the world’s six inhabitable continents: N. America, S. America, Europe, and Africa. This was possible because of my unquenchable passion for soccer or football, or futebol as it is called in Brazil. And futebol/football is a universal language no matter where you are and seamlessly connects you to anyone on any continent. I lived for a period of time and playing soccer in Brazil, West Africa, and briefly in northern-ish Europe—Belgium, Holland, Germany, and Austria. The most time I spent in those places was Rio de Janeiro, Brazil around São Cristóvão, Botafogo, and Copacabana, the heart of world-class football and festive, beautiful people! I regret that I have lost most of my Brazilian Portuguese. 😕 The two continents I have not been to or lived? Asia and Australia. I would love to change that.

But all the places and people I have experienced along with their marvelous cultures (and footballing talents) influenced me in enormous ways helping me see, find, and embrace the goodness and wonder of humanity no matter the small differences. I would strongly encourage anyone, especially Pastor Waits or those like him to follow Mark Twain’s profound, timeless observation:

It is because of this life I have lived deeply that I am now a very happy, kind, understanding, compassionate, exploring Freethinking Humanist looking always for more enriching life experiences, good or bad, to give and/or embrace in equal measures for whomever I encounter. I think that is fair.

Why Aren’t Christians Unified?

Addendum 11/1/2024 — Pastor Jonathan Waits finally answered my invitation to visit here and comment, not here obviously, and he said this:

Unfortunately, this appears to be his regular M.O. with non-Christians who ask him, challenge him about his own world-view—he will not meet you halfway. Interpret that response/behavior as you will. I think it is indicative of his fear about his world-view when he steps outside of his personal comfort zone, his church, or his blog-followers. Being surrounded by Yes people or sycophants is risky, especially if you fortify yourself in very little diversity. It is not healthy for our brains to be trapped in a small box, never wanting or too scared to venture out.

As the popular cliché goes, You can lead a donkey to water, but you can’t make it drink, especially if it has a lifetime of only one type, one pH level of (holy?) water. 😉

The Professor’s Convatorium © 2023 by Professor Taboo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

What’s Going On?

It has been quite some time since I’ve had a bit of free time to draft and publish a blog-post. Why is that you ask? Well, several reasons to be honest. One right now, this morning, I’m somewhat free because Mom, who is now into Early Alzheimer’s Disease stayed up until at least 4:30am last night. This typically means she sleeps until 1pm–3pm. Hence, I am currently semi-uninterrupted by her and her frequent needs. As such I can operate around the house and free from her same questions of me several times throughout the day and night. 🙂 Reason #1.

I’ve had to put Mom on a “12 Questions Only” limitation per day/night! Otherwise, the Brainiac Answers Store would be technically open 18-hours a day. Ugh.

A second reason is due to Mom’s gradual decline over the last 3-years and noticeably so the last 4-6 months and my tasks, chores, and managing ALL of her financial and business affairs, her daily-nightly meds, her two meals a day/evening, including healthy gourmet dishes and recipes I prepare each day and have been over the last 1,316 days, usually takes up most 12–14 hours of my days and nights. Yes, I am a one man Dog & Pony Show day in and day out. Not much free time to blog.

The sign that goes up on my bedroom door or in the living room when Mom has used up her quota limitation of 12 Q’s 😉

The most critical reason I have not been able to blog for awhile is twofold:

  • 1) Since February 2024 my sister (well, not so much my sister) and I were trying to transition my Mom into an Assisted Living Memory Care facility in Kerrville by the end of July this year. The months of April, May, June, and early July were a literal high-stress, high-anxiety 3 1/2 months for me beyond anything I’ve had to handle all my life.
    • I was having to handle Mom’s second laborious Texas Medicaid application to assist her with the high exuberant costs of modern elderly dementia healthcare. Anyone who’s familiar with Medicaid apps knows what a prolonged nightmare the process becomes. To say too much detailed personal information is a gross understatement.
    • I was having to handle the transfer of vehicle titles (three in Mom’s name) over to myself—two Toyotas to me—and one Dodge to my sister which Mom years earlier had bought for her. Why was this a must? Texas Medicaid considers all property as a wealth asset to eventually deny applicants if the assets are too much, like $1,500 total. Ridiculous! This was a lengthy process, especially when the state’s Tax Assessor computer network frequently went down. 😡 Naturally, she “gifted” for free these two Toyotas to me because she absolutely cannot make any profits on the sales; it would disqualify her Medicaid app immediately.
    • I was handling the search for an above-average to great ALMC facility that wasn’t above $4,700/mon and would accept Medicare and Medicaid. A very tough ask here in rural Texas. Most good-to-great nursing facilities are $5,200–$7,000 per month and rising every year in the Texas Hill Country, and sadly we live in a very wealthy Kerr County. Many wealthy retirees here and thus it is a HUGE revenue market for private geriatric retirement homes, apartments, and nursing-rehab facilities. None of which accept Medicare or Medicaid. Incredibly frustrating.
    • I was still handling all the daily house chores, particularly non-stop kitchen cleaning—Mom won’t clean up after herself—healthy gourmet meal preparations, her doctor appointments and prescription refills, her morning and evening meds consumption at correct times of the day/evening, as mentioned her entire finances, bill payments, etc., including monthly fights with her retirement health coverage through ExxonMobil Service Benefits who royally fucked up her payments account while transitioning onto a newer, “improved” website platform. They informed us after their massive screw-up that we owed them $787+ in missed payments from the previous two years 2022–2023 due immediately! 🤬 Needless to say, there was no way in hell we could come up with $787+ to keep her ExxonMobil Health Benefits with Aetna. We were already struggling bad to make ends meet after the previous 2-3 years of hyper-inflation and corporate America gouging us at every opportunity! I also had to manage Mom’s Long-Term Care Insurance policy premiums—$471 quarterly—that she would absolutely NEED at a ALMC facility. To make matters worse, Mom’s Social Security Benefits only barely kept us afloat! Then to make that worse, she received too much SSI benefits to qualify for Medicaid! Incredibly infuriating. 😡
  • 2) All this heavy stress, anxiety, and overwhelming busy days for 1,316 days, the last 3 1/2 months the absolute worst, fighting constantly corporate America… has all taken a major toll on my own health as a one-man show Caretaker. On June 23rd, 2024, at 11:35pm I was taken by ambulance to the ER and hospitalized for four nights as I was having troubled labored breathing, zero strength, and becoming incoherent. My long-time nurse friend up in Dallas, TX told me I was on my way to having a stroke. See image below.

At first, this above bill was over $15,000+. I have seven other bills from doctors, laboratories, and the EMT ambulance bill all totaling over $21,500 on top of my more frequent PCP follow-up doctor visits, and now my new cardiologist bill because I now have tachycardia and AFib of the heart. 😔

One thing that is not obvious above, my last 4-years, particularly in April, May, June and early July, of being Mom’s full-time, overtime Caretaker for 14-18 hours per day/night is my increased alcohol consumption to keep my sanity. It has been my self-medication to stay relaxed. Also, due to my inability to stay in Dallas long-term—always having to move back down to help my mother and 48+ year addict/psych sister—has pushed me into chronic depression, now major depression. Enter escitalopram, in addition to my other prescription meds over the years: amlodipine, lisinopril, atorvastatin, and now blood-thinner med.

So there you have it, my last 4-months and 3-years here in small rural, redneck Kerrville, Texas, not having or able to have (yet) my own fun happy life in Dallas. By the way, due to Mom and I selling her large ranchita home here in December 2019 for over $535,700, she was quickly disqualified for Medicaid assistance for 2024 in August. Utterly exhausting and disheartening after several months of work toward Mom’s transition into a good ALMC facility. My plans to return to Dallas, Texas have been postponed until August 2025. 🤦‍♂️

There is much more I have left out here, not the least of which has been my sister’s 4-5 drug relapses since I moved back down here in August 2021. I’m not going into how badly that effects Mom, and frustrates the living fire out of me. Since I’ve returned home from hospital, she rarely comes around anymore to see Mom or help me out, which she asked me this question back at the end of June, “Dwain, what can we do to keep you from being hospitalized again?” My answer was fast: I need more of your help here with Mom and the constant chores. It is all way too much for me without any help from Mom.

She has done the exact opposite of what I asked from her. Hardly ever around.

The Professor’s Convatorium © 2023 by Professor Taboo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

Killing the Messenger?

How many tales and stories throughout history can you count when the bearer of a factual message is shot, beheaded, or loses their tongue? Think about it for a moment.

My header image above is from the 2005 film Kingdom of Heaven where the “new king” of Jerusalem, Guy of Lusignan, brutally kills Salah ad-Din Yusuf ibn Ayyub’s (or Saladin’s) messenger. All the messenger had been tasked with was to deliver Saladin’s factual message. That’s it. And he was murdered for it. I ask, in the 21st-century, does the messenger deserve death? Abuse? Blowback? Victimization for merely delivering the facts/truth? Anyone know the definition and background for a “whistle-blower“?

∼ ∼ ∼ § ∼ ∼ ∼

Recently, I did exactly this: deliver the truth, the facts.

That’s it! And I will most likely get harsh blowback from those with depraved integrity, dignity, ethics, morals, and a disdain for the raw truth.

Therefore, knowing what most likely awaits me, and what social-media platforms do to messengers of truth/fact… I post this parody of factual news on here, on WordPress, because I will likely get “reported” for something like slander or fraudulent accusations… which by the way are totally unfounded, false blowbacks and merely their deluded defense for staying silent while abuses are committed by their supervisors, their church leadership or congregation members, or worse, their own family members. And all of it in silence… while these people profit from their too-scared-to-speak-up accessories of abominable sins. 😄

From the Truth Messenger

So… this is my Plan B backup when I surely receive blowback and attacks from vanilla, turn-a-blind-eye religious nutcases wanting the Messenger’s head.

I wish everyone a fabulous weekend! 😊

The Professor’s Convatorium © 2023 by Professor Taboo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0