Communication

Posted on November 7, 2013 by Professor Taboo

image WikiHow.com

While I share my thoughts on how critical mastering communication skills are for life, I will also take this opportunity to update everyone on my job/career status; the other night the two went hand-in-hand beautifully.

The update from What’s My Story?: I am now training with and soon to be working as a tutor with a well-established national educational-tutoring company helping struggling students in areas of math, reading, writing, and test-preps. This is my evening job and the primary purpose of this post. I am also currently substitute teaching in one Dallas-area school district, and soon to be substituting in a second Dallas-area school district; yes, three separate jobs to make ends meet. Despite the long hours six-days a week, I am grateful to be working again. But that’s not what I want to talk about.

The other night while observing and assisting the short-staffed learning center, one student was originally from China. He was a very bright 16-year old boy who spoke good English and has lived here about ten months. He was being tutored in advanced English writing and literature. One of his vocabulary words for the night was “exciting” and how to use it in various sentences. Of his five words to learn, this one was the most difficult for him. Tchang (as I will call him here) could not understand the difference between the uses of exciting versus excited. If you are an American having spoken English your entire life, how would you explain the differences to Tchang?

Our attempts to differentiate the two words seemed to confuse Tchang just as much as they seemed to help. After several different examples, in the end his perplexed expressions never receded. Why?

If the English language is not your native tongue, then of the world’s many thousand languages to learn, English is perhaps the hardest to speak and write. Unfortunately, Tchang was learning just how hard it can be. Empathizing with his frustration I explained it wasn’t his fault for not understanding but that it was our/my language; a very complex and often redundant language. English words and their uses can sometimes have one or a half-degree of separation, perhaps less. Yet they will indeed describe a slight difference…which leads me to my big-picture point.

Communication isn’t just a skill; it is the linchpin of one’s true identity.

If you do not master the art of communication, then life will often seem an uphill battle. This holds true just as much for those around you; their communication skills can be just as trying on your patience like trying to navigate a circus fun-house maze of meaning.

Let me merely scratch the surface of how profound communication is to life. “The ability to communicate effectively is important in relationships, education, and work.” Following are steps and tips for the development of good communication from WikiHow. After the first two highlights are explained, for the sake of time and space go to the WikiHow link for the remaining detailed explanations.

Understand the Basics

Know what communication really is. Communication is the process of transferring signals/messages between a sender and a receiver through various methods (i.e. written words, nonverbal cues, spoken words). It is also the mechanism we use to establish and modify relationships.
Have courage to say what you think/feel. Be confident that you can make worthwhile contributions to conversation. Take time each day (meditate?) to be aware of your opinions and feelings so you can adequately convey them to others. Individuals who are hesitant to speak because they do not feel their input would be worthwhile need not fear. What is important or worthwhile to one person may not be to another and may be more so to someone else.
Practice.

Engage Your Audience

Make eye contact constantly.
Use gestures often.
Don’t send mixed messages.
Be aware of what your body is saying.
Manifest constructive attitudes and beliefs.
Develop effective listening skills. Think twice, speak once.

Use Your Words to Impact

Enunciate your words.
Pronounce your words correctly.
Use the right words that accurately convey your thoughts and feelings.
Slow your speech down!

Use Your Voice to Impact

Develop your voice – A high or whiny voice is not perceived to be one of authority or authenticity.
Animate your voice.
Use appropriate volume.

Though some of us might think these steps/tips are well-known or even intuitive, the present history of mankind and womankind speaks to the contrary. On any level of communication, from world powers to individual family or marital relationships, communication is paramount! Perhaps it is safe to say that wherever there has been violence, hatred, or wars, there has been a massive failure of communication. Conversely, wherever there is or has been peace, love, and collaboration, there has been superb communication. Though it is not quite that simple, this generally stands true does it not?

Can you communicate both organs effectively?

Then there is the wrench of deception; intended or unintended. This is an entirely different matter and deserves a separate discussion, particularly intended deception. For now, I wish to dabble, or languish depending on circumstances, in the art of interpersonal language and communication, or the lack of it. Also, I have observed an unspoken hierarchy present in human interaction of which I have personally broken them down into these six following hierarchies. I’m very curious; how would YOU define them in the context of “authentic” impactful communication?

Strangers are –
Acquaintances are –
Friends are –
Close-friends, dear friends (platonic?) are –
Lovers are –
Soul MateS are –

Expressing one’s self to others requires understanding one’s self accurately. If you do not understand why you feel or think a certain way, or in a context how you’ve come to feel or think a certain way, then how can you accurately express it? Language and words express as much emotion as they do fact, sometimes one more than the other. How well do your words match your emotions? Better yet, how well do they match your actions or behavior? What is meant when people say “Actions speak louder than words”?

There seems to me to be a pure art of communication and language, and that purity is mysteriously hard to find sometimes not just in others, but within ourselves too. I love being around elementary kids because they still have that blatant innocence to express exactly what they think and feel that we sometimes don’t find among adults. In a group of strangers or acquaintances where little children are present, why do the adults so often invest their attention onto the children instead of the adults? I find this social condition…

…obtuse.

I am puzzled by this blurry condition of artful candid communication today so to understand…

I wonder if it might be because as we “mature” we become more sensitive to the way others perceive us. In potential romantic relationships – for that matter even certain long-term relationships – do we sacrifice authenticity to be more loved? And if that is the case, then isn’t that living an illusion? Is it because of a fear of rejection that we do not communicate authentically but in diluted forms in order to be served in some way?

I would very much like to hear any and all feedback on the condition of modern communication; modern verbal communication in interpersonal relationships particularly. How do you find the art of interpersonal communication? From the 6 hierarchies above, is it right or wrong to authentically communicate another’s ‘status’ or ‘ranking’ in your heart?

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Fail Better

Posted on September 10, 2013 by Professor Taboo

Oliver Napoleon Hill, one of America’s greatest writers about self-improvement, motivation, and success once said “In every adversity lies the seed of an equal or greater opportunity.” In achieving a difficult goal, Hill conceptualized that the greatest reward was not in reaching the goal, but instead was in the will to continue in the face of growing doubts bred from failures. Most importantly to note is that Hill did not state “failure.” Critical to his concept was the kinetic word “failures.”

Everyone can make a long list of failures throughout their life; hopefully. If all hopes and dreams were easily gained, they would have little satisfaction and soon be forgotten. But it is the exhausting roads and persistent belief that with each setback, with each refinement of imperfection and expectation that create the most astonishing most memorable life experiences – to perhaps cauterize a realization that life and death work together, not in conflict. Neither need be feared. Contrary to antiquated religious teachings, no ‘stand-in’ is required, no depraved condition exists within us unless it is taught, accepted or internalized, and manifested as less-than capable by one’s self-will and surrounded environment chosen. No, quite the opposite should be taught: failures are a good option!

Care to revisit some famous failures that came with some spectacular silver linings?

1492 – Geneon explorer Christopher Columbus never did make it to India’s spices and wealth, but instead found much more; so much more that it changed the entire world. *

1804-06 – Cartographers and explorers Lewis and Clark set out to find a water passage from Midwest America to the Pacific Ocean. No such route exists, however, they documented the land, people, plants and animals which led to the bargain-basement steal of the Louisiana Purchase. *

1896 – Nineteenth century German engineer Otto Lilienthal first pioneered glider-flight that soon inspired the Wright brothers to powered-flight in America. Days later Lilienthal was killed in a flying accident attempting to perfect his glider. *

1937 – During the latter stages of Women’s Suffrage, aviatrix Amelia Earhart vanished while attempting to fly around the Earth’s equator. Regarding women’s rights she was quoted earlier saying, “[women’s] failure must be but a challenge to others.” *

1940 – The Tacoma Narrows Bridge had only been completed 4-months prior to its collapse due to high winds. Wind impact had not yet been fully understood during construction. Following bridge designs around the world included stabilizing measures and construction. *

1946-56 – Discovery of the 972 texts of the Dead Sea Scrolls at Khirbet Qumran, Israel, convincingly showed a much more comprehensive portrait and subsequently more diverse Second Temple Jerusalem than was traditionally portrayed in the canonical Christian Gospels; further confirming the truer nature of Judaism as opposed to the warring oppressive Greco-Roman version of later early-Christian groups closer to Rome. For one example of the two 1st century CE severe divergences, read Sign of Jonah in Talpiot Tomb confirmed just this year.

1970 – The Apollo 13 lunar mission failed due to an oxygen tank explosion lethally damaging the flight crew’s breathing system and service module. However, with ingenious adaptation and resourcefulness NASA brought all astronauts back home safely and with several critical later spacecraft changes. *

1991 – Locking eight scientists in a sealed terrarium called Biosphere 2 did not go as planned: food shortages, bad air, and “crazy ants” cut it short. Columbia University then the University of Arizona has since used it for successful eco-bio research. *

1993 – The Apple Newton is recognized as Apple Corporation’s biggest failure. The personal electronic assistant expired after 6-years of mediocre sales, but led the way for today’s highly popular iPad. *

1998 – NASA launched the Mars Climate Orbiter to examine the Martian climate. After a 287-day journey and over-budget costs the probe likely incinerated in the Martian atmosphere. The problem? NASA used the metric system in its designs, but the engineering team at Lockheed Martin used English units of measure. Now regular Martian orbiters and land-rovers explore the red planet with feasible developing plans of mining, colonization, and making Mars a leap-frog point into deeper parts of our solar system. *
[ * – National Geographic Magazine, Sept. 2013]
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On a more personal level, an intimate level, these concepts are ever truer for our relationships, especially in marriage and parenting a family. Some of our best virtues can be born and honed with a marital partner and raising messy failing succeeding children. And the more the better!

Failure and success coexist. Though we may have been taught they are dire enemies, they are really identical twins from the same mother: a life and death well-made and well told.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

If — by Rudyard Kipling

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How many wonderful failures have you made this week? Was one of them epic? Profound?

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Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at https://professortaboo.wordpress.com.

A Bigger Shovel

Posted on August 31, 2013 by Professor Taboo

Limited Liability Clause: The names in this post have been changed to protect my body, my blog, and my personal property. Thus…

The limit of liability of this blog-author to the hyper-sensitive reader for any cause or combination of causes of mental and/or emotional duress shall be, in the total amount, limited to the fees paid under this post or $3.00 USD, whichever is greater or more fun.

* * * * * * * * * *

Benton courteously poured my second glass of Shiraz-Cab vintage 2012 as his wife Vidal asked me again puzzled, “What do you mean they required a specimen?” A peculiar silence filled the room. Even the perky ears of their toy Cairn-Manchester-mix terrier snapped to attention waiting on my answer.

Professor: Well, it was a matter of life and death, at the very least, image.

Vidal: What did you do?

Professor: I looked right into the tech’s eyes and with polite confidence said, You’re going to need a bigger container. She placed her hand below her neck and with bigger eyes whispered faintly “Oh my!”

It isn’t every day that someone stumbles upon crude unrecognizable tools in the heart of Sasquatch country. The primatologist needed more proof. Can you blame him? How big do you think they are? What would you need?

This leads me to another moral-of-the-story…story.

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A mutual friend of Benton, Vidal, Delilah, and me, who was back in town visiting after moving back home to Kansas (no not Dorothy) is an adventurous curious lady I will call Ahmouray. We had gotten together for wine, snacks, and folly just for her and to hear the latest in her life. As it turns out the “latest” was a gentleman that restored old tractors and she had to immediately show us an iPhone picture of he and she next to his latest John Deere. Embracing each other with huge happy smiles, this tractor’s engine and wheels reached above their shoulders; massive! Ahmouray was obviously bubbly with excitement. You had to agree, Mr. John Deere had a big…

tractor.

Benton: How long have you known him?

Ahmouray: Two months. He is really sweet to me. It feels really right.

[Vidal is sulking trying to keep her lips tight]

Benton: Remember what happened to Mr. Wright #IV? – Referring to the last pathological liar with Alzheimer and a former police officer and priest. Yes, a priest and they met on Match.com. She married him after 6-months of dating and 1-month after moving in together.

Professor: Does he work on you as well as he works on his John Deere’s? I’d hate for you to fall into another disaster.

Vidal: [pops-off] …Or will he be another Dear John?

Ahmouray: I understand what you all are saying, but I am 62-years old. I don’t have an eternity!

Professor: It is okay to be alone sometimes. There is no set deadline for true companionship! Quality takes time unless you are a gifted psychic. Besides, you will have other man-husbands in your next lives too so don’t stress about how “little time you have to live!” Enjoy the freedom you have right now!

Ahmouray: I don’t believe God made me to be alone. I know Professor you and I differ on the meaning of this life, death, and God, but I am most happy as a well-cared for wife.

Delilah: Not any or every man who comes along with shining-armor, a smooth tongue, muscular body, and beautiful hair and tractors will be Mr. Wright #V!

Professor: And many Mr. Wright #IV – IX who are “priests” are on the internet! They call them virtual predators when they’re not in church! [looking toward Benton] Or does it matter where they are?

Ahmouray: I don’t have forever to look!

Professor: Hmm, especially if you have only a garden spade. [grin]

Vidal: [directed at Professor] What is the preferred size?

Benton: Doesn’t it depend on the amount of dirt or how pretty you want your…garden?

Professor: Exactly! Some need only a garden spade, others require front-loaders with dump trucks. I guess it depends on what you’re constructing. How deep the foundation should be depends on how long it will last, how much it will withstand, or what you’re digging up, huh?

Ahmouray: We have so much fun together! We talked over three hours on the phone last night. He is so nice to me. He has a Dachshund! [with a much peppier voice] Do you realize what that means!?

Dachshunds are Ahmouray’s favorite dogs. Her previous Mr. Wright #IV was also (as it turned out) a dog-lover on his internet profile, but in reality never owned a dog in his life. He never liked Ahmouray’s two dogs either.

Professor: Are you going to tell me next the dog’s name is Toto?

Ahmouray: No. Its name is Lady.

Professor: As in Gaga?

Ahmouray: No silly, as in Kenny Rogers!

At that point I believe the rest of us simultaneously downed our wine in two gulps. I asked Benton where the bottle was…he quickly got out of his recliner and said “I’ll get it and open another.” Expressing my “deep” appreciation I also asked our host and hostess, “Do you two prefer a spade or shovel?”

Vidal: If we are at an AA-NA meeting (her daughters are both addicts) spades are usually appropriate because of the group monitor/leader. [Benton agreed then added…]

Benton: But with this group shovels must be handy!

Professor: And at church?

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Soul MateS

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Professor Taboo

As part of the Alternative Lifestyles blog-posts migration over to the new blog The Professor’s Lifestyles Memoirs, this post has been moved there. To read this post please click the link to the blog.

Your patience is appreciated. Thank you!

Love Gas – Part One

Posted on May 26, 2013 by Professor Taboo

Let me apologize beforehand to my readers who do not favor venting or ranting. But I am a big time communicator of all feelings and thoughts because right or wrong doesn’t matter at that instance! It is the raw honesty that matters and matters critically! No one can or would know how to manage a sensitive situation if they are not working with REAL truths, the bare-naked facts! In a way then, I am not truly apologizing right now; I reserve the right to do it later. But I have to get this off my chest.

* * * * * * * * * *

I am not posting this based on any theory. It is not based on any scientific research of which I am presently aware. I’m not even sure if this subject has been written about for ages by thousands. But this post is most definitely from personal experiences and I am getting increasingly fed-up with it!

When I feel my pulse rise like this I try my best to find appropriate ways to vent. One of those successful ways is to go run. Run until I can barely expand my lungs and rib-cage. Another that works for me extremely well is going to a batting-cage and hitting the shit out of baseballs… or softballs if I want to dish out a thoroughly good whacking! True story: once I did bust open the covering on a baseball I swung so hard. I realize the ball was likely old and on its last home run, but still… it felt good!

I am ready to run hard. I am so ready to hit the covers off some baseballs screaming a new expletive with every 1,000 foot homer I hit! Well, I’m not Miguel Cabrera: between 100 – 120 foot homer… some of them frickin’ grounders!

Here is what has happened….. again.

That Delirium Idiot-Inducing Love Gas

The other day I posted a polite encouraging compliment on a dear friend’s profile in response to her photo and comments of how happy she is newly married. I quote: “Isn’t it great to be a great parent [her name]!? And also a phenomenal wife!”

The critical context…

From the 2010 movie “Last Night”. Husband & wife married under wrenching fear, silence & half-truths.

My dear female friend and I have a long close friendship that goes back 30-years to college. We have always been close platonic friends that entire time. This is her second marriage to apparently, according to her, the best man in the world she could’ve ever dreamt for. I am extremely happy for them both! She and I had hundreds of long-distance phone calls running hours long about her first slow dying marriage then exploding divorce which involved her four children. It was nasty and the ex-husband put her through hell and back using the kids, financially putting her through the ringers, and shaming her publicly (via their church) for her extra-marital affair. You’d had thought a public stoning was next.

Over this past Mother’s Day weekend she texted me three long messages overly thanking me for always making her feel she was not the slum-of-the-Earth for cheating on her ex-husband and always fighting his brutal shaming of her and him never taking ownership for his part of a rotting marriage he was clearly a half-part of. The death of a marriage is never ever one-sided; I learned that the hard way twice despite being cheated on both times.

From 400-miles away during her nasty divorce, I had always gladly been available for her. We always had no-holes-barred conversations about anything under the Sun or Moon; I mean ANYTHING! Naturally, this comfort level included much verbal flirting. At the time it helped her self-esteem enormously. Disclaimer: To put any of my reader’s suspicions to bed (seriously no pun intended there!), in our 30-year friendship we had never done anything the least bit sexual; only the verbal flirts over the phone, always 400-miles away.

My Ears Must Be Enormous

When it comes to “unavailable” women, I’ve learned too many times the painful way, my exceptional communication skills, levels of rawness, and articulation are my glory/attraction and my curse/repellant. The doubling of the curse/repellant is also amplified by the seemingly insecure BFH (boyfriend, fiancé, or husband). Here is the kicker: for whatever reasons, the BFH does not know me, or maybe anything about me. He damn sure doesn’t know me like a best friend over five, ten, twenty years or anything about my integrity like she does.

I’ve asked so many times, how/why is this so frequently the case?

Or replace “opinions” with “feelings”.

Yesterday, I received three long text messages from my dear happily married friend. She preempted her message “I know you’re going to hate what I’m about to say and ask you…” She is probably spot-on because we do indeed know each other (platonically) very well. That is simply the way the Universe has put us in each other’s life. She goes on with “…like you and your ex-wives, I am remarried to a very jealous husband who also was hurt deeply and cheated on. I do not want to and cannot mess this one up!” Finally my semi-orders: “Please rein back your [public] comments and their frequency; he is going to get too suspicious!”

After I took about 45-minutes to an hour to simmer down, I responded, “Helen of Troy [the name I’m giving her here], I am 400-miles away and now we hardly ever talk. Seriously?” We no longer talk for hours or as many times because when they began dating it was too risky and she still had some guilt over her previous infidelity. She wanted to prove to him beyond a shadow of doubt that she was no longer a….let’s use a different term than her ex-husband and church used: expressive courtesan. I completely abided to her fears and request then. Reluctantly I will again, and angry again. I want to scream.

Here is my screaming question which annoyingly arises too often with female friends…

Why can you not openly comfortably talk to your BFH the way you have talked for 30-years to me!?

And this question leads to perhaps too many other revealing questions doesn’t it?

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Part Two will be over two previous situations with good close female friends; one of them I promise will be unexpected and even more revealing! You’ll want to stay-tuned. Trust me.

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This work by Professor Taboo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at https://professortaboo.wordpress.com.